- It's common to feel like your genitals are faulty, but those worries are often unfounded and based in sexual stigma.
- Sex expert Tara Suwinyattichaiporn suggests pre-sex meditation and new self-pleasure techniques to reduce feelings of shame and increase pleasure.
Dear Julia,
Why does it feel like my clitoris is faulty? When I masturbate, it feels very uncomfortable.
If I touch myself under the hood of my clitoris, I have to rub at very specific angles to get anywhere, otherwise it feels too sensitive. Sometimes, I have to go back and forth on either side of my clitoris to reach a climax. Lately though, I can rarely orgasm by using my fingers. I have to use a vibrator to get anywhere.
Is there something wrong with me? Should I take a long break from masturbating?
- New Hampshire
Dear New Hampshire,
It can feel demoralizing when your body doesn't seem to work the way it should, especially when you want to indulge in the sweet release of an orgasm.
Though your situation may have you feeling desperate, I want to reassure you that your clitoris is great (and so are you!).
Concerns over how our genitals work during solo and partnered sex are common, but usually unfounded, sexologist Tara Suwinyattichaiporn told me. Suwinyattichaiporn, who goes by Dr. Tara on social media, conducts research studies on sexual satisfaction and distills her findings into actionable advice on her podcast Luvbites.
"There is no one way to come. You can come however you'd like," Suwinyattichaiporn told me.
She said that her social media followers commonly voice concerns over how their genitals receive pleasure. These concerns are usually rooted in societal stigma over what good sex should look and feel like, not because the person actually has a sexual problem, Suwinyattichaiporn said.
She said there are a few steps you can take to figure out the self-pleasure strategies that work best for your body and mind.
Try a pre-masturbation meditation
According to Suwinyattichaiporn, addressing any anxiety before you masturbate could help you have a more pleasurable experience.
She said that people with vulvas can often hold onto sexual shame about how they touch themselves. If someone fixates on that, it can cause their stress hormones to spike, which makes relaxing into a sexy experience difficult, Suwinyattichaiporn said.
To decrease any stress, Suwinyattichaiporn suggests what she calls a sexual meditation, something she does herself before masturbating.
To do this, you can think to a recent sexy experience or orgasm you enjoyed and replay it in your head, slowly touch your own body, or focus on your breath. Whichever method you choose, stick with it for five to 10 minutes, said Suwinyattichaiporn.
She said that a regular sexual meditation practice can help you better notice the specific sensations that bring you pleasure, helping you feel more excited for self-pleasure.
Experiment with new self-pleasure techniques
You mentioned how your masturbation methods feel off, but there's nothing wrong with the way you currently touch yourself, Suwinyattichaiporn told me.
She said that you should lean into the types of touch that work for you. Since you mentioned that direct touch feels too sensitive on your clitoris, Suwinyattichaiporn recommended pleasing yourself with more indirect touch, like with water from a shower head or over a piece of silky fabric or clothing.
Trying a different type of vibrator — like one with a stainless steel tip that gives a cooling sensation, or a small one the fits on the tip of your finger for a more targeted sensation — could also help snap you out of a masturbation slump, according to Suwinyattichaiporn. Though it's a myth that a vibrator can permanently desensitize the genitals, making room for new types of sensations could increase pleasure because of the novelty, she said.
If you notice feelings of guilt or anxiety arise as you try these techniques, remind yourself that everyone has their own unique way of experiencing pleasure, so there is no right or wrong way to go about it.
Those intrusive thoughts won't go away overnight (even I have them from time to time), but consistently challenging them through journaling, talking to a therapist, or trusted friend can help your relationship with sexual pleasure evolve into something you love.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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