Science- Demi Lucy May Engemann posted a TikTok video of her 5-year-old getting her hair bleached.
- The clip went viral, with many negative responses.
When Demi Lucy May Engemann posted a TikTok video of her 5-year-old daughter, Maude, getting her hair bleached, she thought it was a cute mother-daughter bonding moment.
The clip went viral, with more than 18 million views, but many of the commenters found the post anything but adorable.
"This is so cringy," one commenter wrote.
@demilucymay_ Here’s your sign to say “yes” more pure joy! ##HausLabsFoundation##momsoftiktok##mommydaughter##hairtok##utah##thatgirl##thatgirlaesthetic##girly##hair##momtok ♬ Love You So - The King Khan & BBQ Show
Engemann returned to TikTok to post an explanation for why she let Maude bleach her hair. She said her daughter wanted pink hair like a classmate had and temporary hair color wasn't showing up on Maude's brunette locks. So Engemann and her husband agreed to allow Maude to bleach her hair.
"Do what feels right to you as a mom. Period," she captioned the video.
Experts say parents should follow their kids' lead on hairstyles
Engemann isn't the only one defending her choice. The internet is awash with opinions about when it's safe for kids to dye or bleach their hair. Ultimately, the decision to use harsh chemicals on a child's hair should be made by the parent and child, in conjunction with a pediatrician and stylist, Megan Ledet, a licensed clinical social worker and the vice president of adolescent services at Lightfully Behavioral Health, said.
Physical risks and considerations aside, allowing your child to experiment with their hair is a great way to build mutual respect and trust, Ledet said.
"The more freedom parents can offer in generally safe areas of self-expression, like hair and clothes, the better," she said.
Trish Hutchison, a pediatrician and cofounder of Girlology, says that refusing to even consider a child's request can damage parents' relationships with their children, especially if the kids are older.
"Always avoid a hard no, and take your emotions out of the conversation," she said. "Instead, try to have an open and nonjudgmental chat about why they want to change their hairstyle or other outward appearance."
In Engemann's case, her daughter wanted to look similar to her classmates. That reasoning can be sound, but it's important to make sure that your child isn't succumbing to peer pressure, Hutchison said.
"If your kid is changing up the way they look or expressing themselves in a different way, parents should step back and try to have healthy, open conversations and questions about why and how they want to make these changes," she said.
Balancing 'yes,' 'no,' and 'hold on'
Angela Karanja, an adolescent psychologist and parent of a teenager, recommends that parents keep an open mind when their children request big changes to their appearance. There are three possible answers to a child's request — "yes," "no," and "hold on," she said.
If there's no harm to the decision, say yes. If there is potential for harm — like with using harsh hair chemicals — guide your child through doing more research about the impact and talk to them about their reasons for requesting the change. Say no only if the request is outright dangerous, she added.
After talking about options with their parents, most kids and teens will make the right decision for them, Karanja said.
"Most kids go for harmful options when they feel constricted or restricted," she said. "But in safe and supportive situations, kids will always choose something that's for their highest good."
Engemann, along with her husband and Maude, decided on what was best for their family. She's since posted videos of Maude looking confident with her new hairstyle. That's the real value in allowing kids to experiment, Karanja said.
"There's no child as healthy as one whose self-expressions are validated and supported," she said. "Their self-awareness, acceptance, and confidence are admirable, and these are the kids who become anchors for their peers."