A men's sex coach shares 4 things he did to turn casual hookups into the best sex of his life

• Mens' sex coach Alex Grendi says changing his mindset around intimacy transformed his sex life for the better.
• Grendi said four tips helped him make partnered sex more pleasurable for him and his partners.

Once a week, Alex Grendi gets on Zoom with eight men, fielding their questions about how to impress their female partners in bed and ways to maximize their performance.

As a men's sex coach, Grendi has helped hundreds of men have the best sex of their lives, the kind that makes their female partners gush to their friends about how mind-blowing it was for them too.

Grendi does this through his 12-week virtual course, which includes 72 sex lessons and weekly group check-ins. For $3,000, Grendi's clients get lifetime access to his video modules, he told Business Insider. The lessons, which focus on things like personal arousal and female pleasure, are useful for both single and partnered men, according to Grendi.

He said that he's tried all of his tips, both while in relationships and single, finding that even casual hookups could be deeply satisfying when he took the right approach.

"Before using these tips, I tried to perform like a porn star without really considering my or my partner's desires. Now, I'm having the best sex of my life. I feel complete confidence and control, can last as long as I want, and help my partners have some of the deepest and most expansive orgasms of their lives," Grendi told Business Insider.

Below, Grendi shares his four top takeaways for men who want to have better sex.

Reduce stress in your day-to-day life

One of Grendi's sex coaches helped him realize that taking care of your mental health is important for a satisfying sex life, he said.

Until then, Grendi said he didn't take much time for himself to calm down after a stressful day at work, let alone before a date that could result in sex.

But when he started taking time to reduce daily stress — exercising, and swapping morning doom-scrolling on his phone for reading a book or going for a walk — Grendi noticed that he could enter sexual experiences with a more grounded and less anxious demeanor.

"You can't just be going 100 miles an hour all day and then expect you can just switch that off at 9 PM and be totally calm and ready for pleasure. You need to be able to regulate your nervous system throughout the day," Grendi told Insider.

Don't assume every partner wants the same things during sex

Grendi also learned how to focus on his sexual partners in more helpful ways, he told Business Insider.

Before working with sex coaches, he fixated on how a partner might judge his performance after sex, or what she might tell her friends. But Grendi's female sex coach taught him that turning his attention to how each individual partner likes to receive pleasure was a better strategy for improving his performance.

Grendi said that she taught him about the concept of pleasure mapping, or slowly touching different areas of a partner's body and genitals to understand what they personally want and need to get off, and which areas to avoid.

"When I started to do this with new partners, they would tell me that they've never been touched like this before. It's been pretty special to help partners connect to their pleasure or have orgasms in new ways," Grendi said.

Since pleasure mapping doesn't center penetrative sex, it became a way for Grendi to focus less on his penis and more on pleasure as a full-body experience, he said.

Experiment with touch when you're alone

Another men's sex coach taught Grendi the importance of self-touch for becoming a better sexual partner, he said.

Like he did with his partners, Grendi committed to touching himself all over, not just his genitals. He said he still sets aside an hour each week — usually three 20-minute sessions — to be alone and experiment with feel-good sensations, like lightly biting his arm or scratching his chest. This practice has never gotten in the way of his sexual relationships, Grendi said.

According to Grendi, this practice made him realize there were so many more ways to feel pleasure than he knew was possible.

"Exploring every part of your body is a huge factor in knowing what you want," Grendi said.

Practice being comfortable with saying "no"

When Grendi explored his body, he also learned the types of sensations he doesn't like during partnered intimacy, like being touched on the lips, he said.

"If someone's doing that and I don't say anything, I'm just going to be thinking, 'Wow, this is the last thing I want right now, but I don't want to ruin the mood,'" Grendi said.

He said that one of his male sex coaches taught him how to avoid this outcome, instilling in him the importance of saying "no" to someone in a sexual setting without feeling guilty about it.

"Now, I'll be like, 'Hey, please be mindful not to touch my face. I like it more if you touch my neck,'" Grendi said. He told Insider that this practice has been a "game-changer" in his sex life because it makes sex feel more like a collaboration between partners, rather than a self-sacrificing performance.