- Kenneth Play, the author of "Beyond Satisfied," said he used to deal with sexual insecurity.
- Play told Insider how a
sex -party mishap led him to take control of his sex life.
When Kenneth Play learned his girlfriend set up a threesome at a sex party, he was terrified.
Since puberty, Play said he experienced extreme sexual insecurity. For him, mustering the courage to attend a sex party, something he fantasized about regularly, was a feat of its own. So when Play couldn't get an erection, likely because of the Adderall he took earlier that day, he said he could feel his anxiety build and excused himself from the threesome.
In the bathroom, Play said he slapped his penis in a desperate attempt to get an erection. When he realized it wouldn't happen, Play decided it would be the last time he would let his fear of embarrassment ruin sex.
"In that moment I thought, 'If this is my worst nightmare, if I overcome this, then my life will be changed,'" Play told Insider.
After rejoining the sex party, Play took a chance by complimenting a woman's breasts. Moments later, she placed his head between them.
"When my head was bouncing between her boobs, I was like, 'I'm never going to cock-block myself again,'" Play said.
Now, 10 years later, Play is an internationally known "sex hacker" who says he's had over 1,000 sex partners.
In his new book, "Beyond Satisfied: A Sex Hacker's Guide to Endless Orgasms, Mind-Blowing Connection, and Lasting Confidence," Play uses research, diagrams, and tales from his own sex life to teach readers how they can become great lovers, regardless of their penis size. He told Insider his fitness-trainer background influenced how he taught sex.
Play used to think his penis size was the root of his sex problems
According to Play, his sexual insecurity stemmed from his penis size. He said stereotypes of Asian men and small-penis jokes in childhood led him to believe that a large penis was the key to a woman's pleasure.
His top concern was whether a woman enjoyed the penetrative sex they had, Play said.
In his book, Play says he now knows his 5.6-inch penis is average in size. It was a lack of communication and education that caused his unfulfilling sex life, not his member, he says.
"Just like penis size doesn't determine brainpower, it also doesn't determine how much pleasure you're able to give to a partner during sex," Play writes in his book. "But if you hang onto your internal biases and low genital self-esteem, I guarantee you'll have a shitty sex life."
One of Play's 'sex hacks' includes creating a pleasure menu for your partner
When Play started to teach himself how to be great at sex, he said he poured over studies on female pleasure and orgasms. Sometimes, he'd email researchers after reading their work, eager to turn their findings into a real-life experiment of his own.
Play, who was a fitness trainer for 15 years before becoming a sex educator, said he used exercise principles to practice getting better at sex.
From the research he read, Play said he knew he couldn't advance to anal and bondage without first learning the basic building blocks. He started with learning the philosophy of fulfilling sex, including concepts like consent, negotiating sex acts, and understanding pleasure.
One lesson, which he outlines in his book and online courses, is to create a sexual menu that focuses on your partner's pleasure. Since no two partners have the exact same sexual tastes, Play says to master a few science-backed techniques, like clitoral stimulation, and practice them mindfully by asking each partner you have how the sensations feel.
"The more options you have to present on a menu, the higher the likelihood that when a new partner walks by your restaurant, so to speak, that she'll choose to come inside," Play writes.
Once he better understood the ethos of good sex, Play experimented in the kink community to refine skills like oral and hand sex, foreplay, and squirting. He said applying a "growth mindset" to his sex goals, just like he did with his fitness goals, changed his life.
"If you've never worked out a day in your life, you have no idea what your body's capable of," Play said. "You have no idea that you can do 50 pull-ups if you dedicate yourself to it.
"So many of us have not even scratched the surface of our sexual potential, and that includes ourself and our partner."