Science- Day Villafane, a 26-year-old in Philadelphia, is dating a man who is 17 years older than her.
- Villafane said she's always had relationships with significant age-gaps, and prefers it that way.
On any given weekend, 26-year-old Day Villafane knows she can find people her age at buzzing bars and nightclubs where DJs spin top-40 hits. But Villafane would much rather spend those evenings doing something simple and relaxing with Chris, her partner who is 17 years her senior.
When Chris's 43rd birthday was nearing, Villafane had no reservations about leaving the bustling city for a small town in the Pocono Mountains, where she and Chris sipped cocktails in a quirky old tavern, then got cozy in their rented trailer, building a typewriter out of LEGOs and watching the 1986 film "Blue Velvet." Villafane didn't feel like she was missing out on her youth one bit, she told Insider.
Villafane said that she's gravitated towards older men since she began dating, and now considers Chris, who is 43, her soulmate and best friend. She said she's never viewed relationships with age gaps as a cause for concern because her parents had a 28-year age difference. She's always assumed it was normal.
"I never really had any bad experiences with it. But I definitely get lots of judgment from outsiders," Villafane told Insider.
She said that strangers, and her family — even her mother — have offered their unsolicited concerns about age-gap relationships, like that her older partners could take advantage of her.
But Villafane said she's content with her dating preferences, and that being with an older man fits her interests and lifestyle — she's a massive fan of the Rolling Stones, but avoids rap music, Taylor Swift songs, and nightclubs, she pointed out to Insider — more seamlessly than being with a man her age.
The benefits of an age-gap relationship outweigh the negatives for Villafane
Villafane has dated men as old as 55 and as young as 35 before meeting her current partner Chris, who is 43. She said she's been with Chris since March, and that their relationship is full of intimacy and adventure.
Four months into their relationship, Villafane moved in with Chris upon his offer to take care of her. "He found out I was about to have a big surgery, and said he wanted to be the one who cared for me," Villafane said.
According to Villafane, she and Chris enjoy quiet nights at home together, experimenting with cocktail recipes at their home bar and building intricate LEGO projects, a newfound mutual hobby. An avid roadtripper, Villafane has been showing Chris the beauty of Pennsylvania's mountain ranges and trails, she said. They also attend concerts together (Orville Peck has been a favorite) and hang out with other couples, most of whom are also in age-gap relationships.
When Villafane was in her early twenties, she noticed that many of the older men she dated were seeking a partner who could act as a stepmother to their children from previous relationships. She wasn't ready for that commitment at the time, so the relationship would end.
But now that she's thinking about starting her own family, Villafane said it's nice to be with a man who is clearly seeking a life partner. They have regular conversations about whether or not to have a child, considering their age difference, she said.
"Having watched my dad's decline, I'm definitely concerned about how that could impact a child. If we were going to do it, it would probably have to be soon because in 10 years, Chris is going to be 53. It's a scary thought," she said.
According to Villafane, there's only a disconnect when she or Chris drop pop-culture references from their childhoods. Chris will talk about movies from the 1980s, while Villafane said she often mentions the early-aughts television show "SpongeBob SquarePants."
When they don't understand each other's references, they use them as an opportunity to connect. "We will sit there and show each other these things. It creates a nice bonding experience to show your partner something you grew up with, or vice versa," Villafane said.
From a young age, her interests and hobbies skewed older
Villafane said she felt like she had to grow up faster than her peers, working from the time she was 15 and seeming to have more responsibilities around the house.
She said also spent a lot of time with her father — who was 61 when she was 13 — so she picked up his interests, like classic rock music, as her own. Over the years, she's also found that she doesn't enjoy many trends and activities her same-age peers do, like hip-hop culture, late nights at bars, and social-justice advocacy.
"A lot of people my age go to protests, but that's not really something I'm interested in participating in," she said. But that hasn't stopped her from finding friends.
Villafane said that most of her social circle consists of people in their forties, fifties, and sixties. She said she met many of her current friends when she was 18 and joined a nationwide fan club for the Rolling Stones, one of her favorite bands.
"I visit them all over the country. We go out to shows together and they're always very helpful and have lots of wise advice," Villafane said.
She said that she's never felt like an age gap has gotten in the way of forming a genuine connection with someone, so it's confusing when people express concerns about her age-gap romances.
She's had to brush off concerns from family about her age-gap relationship
No matter who Villafane was dating at the time, she would hear the same questions and concerns from her family and even strangers: "Aren't you worried he's using you? What if you're being groomed?"
"I would always reply, 'I'm a grown woman. I'm an adult, and this is all very consensual.' It always felt weird when people would attack us like that, but I never really took it too personally," Villafane said.
She also pays careful attention to a date's behavior before committing, never assuming that an older man is inherently a good match simply because of his age.
Now, and despite outsiders' concerns, Villafane says she's found an enduring connection with Chris. "He is the most gentle person I have ever met, and we have unwavering support and deep understanding for each other" she said.