- Insecurity is the feeling that you are inadequate or not good enough.
- You might be insecure if you are self-critical, a perfectionist, or someone who self-sabotages.
- You can become more confident through therapy and practicing having compassion for yourself.
It's normal to feel mildly insecure from time to time, such as before a first date or an important job interview.
However, if you find yourself feeling insecure most of the time, and if it's getting in the way of you living your day-to-day life, you may have more deeply rooted insecurities that need to be addressed in order for you to live your life happily and to the fullest.
Here are eight signs that you're insecure, and five ways to become more secure.
1. You feel inadequate
One of the main signs of insecurity is feeling inadequate, or that you aren't good enough, says Courtney Glickman, PhD, LMHC, therapist and owner of The Collective Healing Center.
Glickman says this can stem from negative experiences like childhood neglect, bullying, critical partners, or even societal expectations.
"These experiences of powerlessness and judgment shape how individuals view their own self-worth and competency and often perpetuate shame," says Glickman.
2. You're a perfectionist
People who are insecure may be perfectionists and strive for flawlessness in order to make them feel more secure, Glickman says.
However, perfectionism leads to unhealthy levels of self-criticism and a need for control, causing you to feel constantly let down and burnt out, says Glickman.
3. You feel a lot of envy or jealousy
When you're insecure and feel inadequate, you may feel threatened or in competition with others, leading to envy and jealousy, Glickman says.
This is because rather than focusing on themselves, insecure people tend to focus on comparing themselves to others, which may result in negative emotions.
4. You're harsh and critical of yourself
Regardless if your insecurity stems from something that happened in childhood or you developed it as an adult, it can manifest in the form of harsh self-criticism, says Jennifer Chain, PhD, licensed psychologist and owner of Thrive for the People.
You might motivate yourself with self-criticism, guilt, or punishment. "If you find yourself talking to yourself in harsh or even abusive ways, you may be tearing yourself down regularly and contributing to your insecurity," says Chain.
5. You shape-shift depending on who you're with
You may see yourself as a social chameleon, Chain says. For example, you might change your mannerisms, speech, likes, and dislikes depending on who you're around, since you may not be sure of who you truly are, or if people will like and accept the real you.
"You may juggle different personas depending on the context and the people around you. You may be very skilled at this kind of shape-shifting, but it is costly and exhausting to keep up," says Chain.
6. You fear rejection and abandonment
In relationships, you might fear that you will be rejected or abandoned. "You may be constantly on the lookout for signs that the relationship is not going well, that the other person is unhappy with you, or you are failing somehow," says Chain.
This can result in you taking everything personally, interpreting your partner's behaviors or statements inaccurately, reacting irrationally, or anticipating worst-case scenarios, Chain says, which can derail a relationship because you may become overly demanding, critical, or needy, creating conflicts that weren't really there in the first place.
7. You self sabotage
"As a result of the fear of rejection or abandonment, your insecurity may show up as self-sabotaging behaviors," says Chain.
This can range from sabotaging your own personal success or your relationships. Chain says some examples of this may be:
- Procrastinating on a project because you're afraid of failing despite giving your best effort.
- Acting cold or distant towards a partner because you are not sure how they feel about you.
- Avoiding asking for a promotion at work because you don't think you're deserving enough.
- Turning to emotional eating or drinking because you don't feel like you deserve to be cared for.
8. You don't let people see your "messy" side
Nobody's perfect, and everyone has flaws and moments of weakness. However, if you're very insecure you may refuse to let anybody see those parts of you.
"You may have learned growing up that your love and worthiness depend on presenting a perfect, have-it-all-together, and extremely competent image of yourself," says Chain. This can lead you to have a hard time being vulnerable and letting people see you make mistakes, feel helpless, or cry.
What to do about insecurity
Squashing your insecurities and becoming more secure with who you are and your abilities won't be easy, but with hard work over time it's possible. Here are five tips to become more secure and gain confidence.
1. Seek therapy
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to talk to a licensed mental health professional who can help you gain insight into issues that cause your insecurity. "Through therapy, individuals can build skills to foster a stronger sense of self, improve relationships, and develop coping skills to manage symptoms," says Glickman. Many different types of therapy can address insecurity and help you learn new skills, but dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) in particular is a type that Glickman recommends. "DBT is a wonderful approach that provides specific skills that focus on asking for what you want, saying no, and negotiating conflict without damaging the relationship," says Glickman.
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2. Practice self-compassion
If you're insecure, chances are you're mentally beating yourself up often. Glickman suggests taking time to reflect and notice what you tend to judge and criticize about yourself. For example, is it your appearance, career, or relationships?
The next time you notice you're being overly self-critical, try switching up and speaking to yourself in a genuine, loving way, the same way you would to a close friend or family member. Remember to have compassion for yourself, as it's been shown to help improve insecurity within relationships as well as overall mental
3. Challenge your thoughts
A common component of therapy is learning to understand the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Glickman says you can work to challenge the negative, irrational beliefs leading to your insecurity.
"Question, challenge, and don't believe everything you think. This allows you to cognitively restructure unhealthy thinking patterns," says Glickman. Over time, you will learn to quickly identify unhealthy thoughts and move forward in a healthier way.
4. Be your own loving parent
If your insecurity stems from your upbringing, it can help to do some inner-child work. "Imagine you have a small child inside of you. How would you speak to and treat your little self with kindness and tenderness? Close your eyes and imagine telling that little child that they are safe with you. You will protect them and care for them, and you love them," says Chain. This draws from attachment theory, which is the idea that we learned our relationship behaviors early on in life based on our upbringing. Chain says this tip can be especially helpful if you had an unsafe or unpredictable relationship with your caretakers. This is also an aspect of different types of therapy such as psychoanalysis, psychodynamic therapy, internal family systems, and emotionally focused therapy, says Chain.
5. Aim for progress over perfection
Strive for realistic, attainable goals, keeping in mind that true perfection does not exist. "Focus on progress, which allows for more recognition of accomplishments and ultimately improves productivity and motivation," says Glickman. Celebrate wins, no matter how small, along the way.
Insider's takeaway
Insecurity can show up in a lot of ways, ranging from feeling inadequate to fearing rejection to self sabotaging. Regardless of the cause of your insecurity, putting in work through therapy and other strategies can help you become more secure.