- Emotionally unavailable people may have trouble committing to plans and not show enthusiasm.
- They may also be inconsistent when they communicate with you and send mixed messages.
- When you're dating an emotionally unavailable person, you may feel like you're the problem.
You may hear the phrase "emotionally unavailable" often when your friends talk about dating woes, but what exactly does it mean?
Healthy
Here are eight warning signs that you're dealing with an emotionally unavailable person.
1. They're inconsistent with communication
When you're trying to form a connection with someone who's emotionally unavailable, you may notice that communication is rarely timely or consistent.
"You never know when you'll hear from them. As a result, the relationship often feels as if it is on their terms and you are in the passenger seat," says Roxy Zarrabi, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist in private practice.
Quality of early communication can be an important precursor to the relationship's future success. A 2017 study found that communication in the beginning stage of a relationship can play a role in future relationship satisfaction. Furthermore, satisfaction with communication in the early stage of a relationship might result in a more amicable partnership down the line.
2. They have trouble committing to plans
When potential plans are near, they might leave everything up in the air, which keeps you wondering and waiting around for a text or call. Or, you may notice them become uncomfortable or uninterested if you bring up ideas for plans in the future.
This usually isn't the case with someone who is willing to be vulnerable: "When someone likes you and is emotionally available, the majority of the time they will make sure that you know it with consistent communication and by showing their enthusiasm for planning future activities with you," says Zarrabi.
3. They send you mixed messages
Emotionally unavailable people can be extremely confusing. "They may come on strong then become distant. They may say they like you, want to spend time with you, or that they can see a future with you –– but 'can't commit to anything right now,'" says Zarrabi.
You might end up focusing on the positive part of the message while ignoring that the person is saying they don't want to commit, or hoping that they'll change their mind.
If they flip-flop between saying they want a relationship or they don't, it can be a big indicator that they aren't truly ready for a healthy serious relationship. Readiness to jump into a new committed relationship plays a big role in how someone will act towards a potential partner.
Unsurprisingly, a 2018 study found that singles who reported readiness were more likely to have greater interest in a specific individual, behave with intent to start a relationship, and engage in flirting and physical touch.
The study also found that people who had negative relationships in the past, such as if they were cheated on, are less likely to be ready for a committed relationship.
4. They pull away when things get deep
Since emotionally unavailable people likely equate closeness and intimacy with being hurt, they tend to pull away the more you try to connect with them.
"The more you fall for the emotionally unavailable person, and show them through words and kindness how much they mean to you, the further they may distance themselves," says Laurie Singer LMFT, BCBA, therapist and behavior analyst at Laurie Singer Behavioral Services.
5. They don't reciprocate your emotional efforts
You may not get back what you're putting into the relationship. "The emotionally unavailable partner anticipates being let down. One way they protect themselves is to not make the same effort as you in the relationship," says Singer.
For example, you may pour your heart out to them, expressing the love you have for them and how much you care about them and receive little or nothing in return, since they have a difficult time conveying their feelings.
6. They become defensive surrounding emotional intimacy
You may experience some rare moments where an emotionally unavailable person gives you a glimpse into their true feelings, but pushing to get them to open up more can backfire. "This is typically met with even more resistance and can result in greater defensiveness, rudeness or even anger," says Singer.
7. They won't be direct about their emotions
Typically, if an emotionally available person likes you, it will be clear to you. However, emotionally unavailable people will likely leave you feeling uncertain or confused on where you stand. "
Expressing how you feel about someone requires a certain degree of vulnerability, which is something an emotionally unavailable person typically has a difficult time with," says Zarrabi.
8. They make you feel like you're the problem
The way an emotionally unavailable person acts towards you can make you feel unwanted, frustrated, or "wrong," Singer says. For example, you may get vulnerable and open up to them about something deeply personal, and they might have no empathetic response, leaving you wondering if you're the problem.
"Wanting a deep, personal, trusting connection with our partners is perfectly normal and healthy," says Singer. However, this may not be something you can achieve with an emotionally unavailable person.
Be on the lookout for signs of emotional manipulation and abuse, such as if they use your insecurities against you, gaslight you, or guilt you. These red flags should be taken seriously, as a 2013 study proposed that emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse, since both can contribute to depression and low self-esteem.
Insider's takeaway
You can't change the ways of someone who is emotionally unavailable. Your partner needs to put the effort in themselves if they want to change and address their emotional wounds.
"It is possible for your partner to learn how to allow themselves to feel emotion. It will take time to break down the walls of what they've used to protect themselves in the past," says Singer. However, if they aren't willing to put in this work and meet you with dismissiveness, it might be time to reexamine the relationship.