8 reasons your sex life can change when you're in a relationship

Sex when you're single versus sex when you're in a relationship is different for a multitude of reasons, none of which have to do with monogamy being boring by default. If you're in a relationship, and the sex is boring, Lisa Concepcion, founder of LoveQuest coaching told Insider, it's probably because you let it get that way.

"A lot of it is bad programming due to messages that say sex gets stale or boring once in a committed monogamous relationship," the relationship and dating expert explained. "Boring people have boring sex. Disconnected people have disconnected sex. When there's open, respectful, loving, communication with clothes on, passion is intense with clothes off."

When you first start dating, and even in the few months to a year after you've become official, partners typically experience a kind of intense, whirlwind romance. This is often referred to as "the honeymoon phase." It's as lovely as it sounds, but as fast as it comes, that fiery emotion can fade just as quickly.

This isn't to say that the connection between you and your partner has gone to static, Concepcion told Insider, it's just what happens when you transition from that initial, puppy-love phase and start to really connect on a deeper level emotionally.

"Intimacy develops and the sex might not be as frequent but it's more soulful, connected and bonded. This is enduring," she explained. "When you have sex once or twice per week with a partner who truly adores you for who you are and doesn't reject or judge you, you'll be more likely to try new things and be open about what feels good."

Your person is your person, and that's the really the point David Bennett made when he explained to Insider that as you become more familiar with a person, something physiologically shifts in your brain, dulling down the infatuation and normalizing the way in which you see your partner.

"Your brain chemistry returns closer to normal, so you not only start seeing some of your partner's flaws, but you also become less sexually excited by them," the certified counselor, relationship expert, co-author, and co-owner of Double Trust Dating and Relationships said. "Because of this, the drive for regular, intense sex may turn into something more reasonable and realistic, or in some couples, it results in losing a strong sexual connection and only leaving a more social connection."

Before you've seriously committed, sex felt like a spontaneous, thrilling activity. Now, it's something you have to work into your daily routine.

"I call it the 'hamster wheel existence' where they wake up, get ready for work, prep the kids, work, commute home, cook, eat, and are wiped out in front of the TV by 8 p.m. and asleep by 10 p.m. only to repeat it the next day," Concepcion said.

Similar to how the more you know someone, the more humanized they become, life is like that too. When you first start living together or get married, there's still that sense of newness looming. Eventually, though, life settles down, and you both fall into a routine with one another. It's normal until sex is something you have to pencil into a calendar or, worse, something you forget about entirely.

"Sex is maybe something squeezed in on the weekend when it occurs to the couple it's been 3 weeks since the last time they had sex. These couples are typically disconnected to themselves and therefore from each other."

Insider previously reported that couples struggling to get it in might find setting what's known as erotic time zones helpful.

Wrong.

"People have issues with intimacy when dating," Concepcion told Insider. "They think intimacy is sex and it's not. They forget how to be in relationships yet they know they want one. Once they agree to be sexually exclusive they remember what it's like to really be intimate with someone on an emotional level."

Once you and your partner have phased out of the honeymoon stage, and the rose-tinted glasses come off, the emotional intimacy might come naturally, but connecting on a physical level takes work and effort. Only you can decide if it's worth the energy, but master empath and intimacy expert, Colette Davenport highly recommended the attempt.

"For a sex-positive couple who view their partnership as an ever-evolving entity, love-making gets even juicier," the founder of Badass Empath Academy told Insider. "I've had the honor of working with couples who wanted to take this part of their lives to the next level. We call that sacred sex.

"This is where two people drop the masks and the minutia of their lives and become enmeshed physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. Their bodies and their beings align. Time stands still for the tantric couple. There is no 'finish line' and lovemaking is not linear. The total trust, surrender, the ability to give and receive interchangeably without keeping score makes the act of sex for this couple other-worldly."

Insider previously reported on 25 sex positions to get you out of a rut.

Becoming comfortable with one another isn't necessarily a death sentence to you and your partner's sex life. The more at ease you are, the more you're able, to be honest with your SO and let them know what you like in the bedroom.

As partners learn about each other's boundaries and desires, they can begin to explore together and continually make sex better," Dr. Chris Donaghue from the Loveline show and the Amber Rose Show with Dr. Chris, told Insider. "Don't be afraid to communicate with a partner about new sex positions, fantasies or toys."

If you need some inspiration, Insider previously reviewed over 100 sex toys and recommended 10.

Sometimes people think they want or are ready to be part of a meaningful, fully committed relationship with connection, and intimacy — the whole nine. Then they get involved, and vulnerabilities and anxieties erupt, causing them to push their partner, and any sort of physical intimacy, away.

"Some of our biggest issues around sexuality can show up once we're in a relationship because suddenly we have to deal with some of the issues we haven't dealt with before in less significant relationships," explained Kristin Hodson, AASECT certified sex therapist and advisor for Femininity. "These vulnerabilities can stem from wanting to ask our partner for what we want, our deepest needs."