7 ways to boost your sex drive
- You can increase your sex drive by reducing stress levels, gaining a better understanding of what turns you on, letting go of performance anxiety, and reducing negative anticipation among other methods.
- Getting enough sleep could also increase your desire for sex since sleep quality can influence libido.
- You could also try talking to a therapist since this can help you address issues like shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.
- This article was medically reviewed by Rosara Torrisi, LCSW, CST, MSSW, MEd, PhD, Certified Sex therapist at the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy (LIIST).
Media and societal norms lead people to believe that they should be ready to have sex at any given moment. While this is the experience of some people, it certainly isn't the case for everybody.
If you're looking to increase your sex drive, there are a few things you can do to boost your desire. Here is what the research says.
There is no such this as a normal sex drive
Everyone's libido is different, and the same person's sex drive might fluctuate over time, depending on circumstances. This is normal. According to sexologist and sexuality counselor Jess O'Reilly, Human Sexuality PhD and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, there's no universal standard or rule of thumb when it comes to sexual desire.
"Low desire is only a problem if you deem it one or you find it distressful. Some people want sex several times per day and others don't want it at all, and all experiences can be perfectly healthy," says O'Reilly.
However, if you do find your lack of sexual desire distressing and you want to be more interested in sex, O'Reilly recommends looking at whether your libido is low due to lifestyle or relational factors, which could range from trouble communicating with eachother, lacking emotional connection, or dealing with existing conflicts such as fighting over money or kids.
Reduce stress levels
Stress can cause various physical symptoms including a lower libido.
O'Reilly says your levels of cortisol — commonly referred to as the stress hormone — rise when you're stressed out, and this can interfere with your sexual desire and arousal. A 2018 survey conducted by the BBC found that 45% of respondents said that stress negatively affected their sex drive.
However, learning to reduce or manage stress can be difficult. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support, whether it's from your partner or a therapist. You can also try stress-relieving activities, such as meditation or exercise. Mindfulness has also proven to help improve sexual desire and sexual functioning, especially in women.
Understand arousal and learn what turns you on
For many people, the desire for sex isn't there 24/7. "Desire does not always occur spontaneously. Most people need to get aroused first, and then they might experience desire. If you sit around waiting for sexual desire to occur on its own, it simply may not happen," says O'Reilly.
There are plenty of ways you can ramp up arousal, and thus, desire. Try some of the following:
- Fantasizing
- Sexting
- Watching porn
- Reading erotic stories
- Touching yourself
- Experimenting with sex toys
- Having your partner kiss and touch you without the expectation of sex
- Listening to erotica
- Enjoying music that feels sexual to you
Get creative and experiment with what turns you on most and increases your desire. O'Reilly says that once you're aroused, it's much more likely that desire for sex will follow.
Expanding your definition of what sex means can also be helpful. If you are not excited by the type of sex you have been engaged in, trying something new can be exciting.
Let go of performance anxiety
Performance anxiety, pressure, and stress surrounding sex is likely to curb your arousal and your desire. "Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure, so if you feel pressure to have sex in a certain way, look a certain way, have an orgasm, get hard, get wet, make specific sounds or want sex with a specific frequency, you may find that you lose interest altogether," says O'Reilly.
Take time out to really get to know yourself sexually. O'Reilly says that spending time better understanding your body's unique responses through masturbation can help you to be more at ease when you're with a partner. She also highly recommends using mindfulness during masturbation, and mindfulness in general, which will result in benefits in partnered sex.
Practicing mindfulness has been studied with great results in regards to libido. A 2014 study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy examined 117 women who struggled with low desire. After mindfulness training, there was a significant decrease in "sex-related distress."
With practice, mindfulness can help you stay in the moment, enjoy pleasure, and let performance anxiety roll off your back. Talking to a therapist or opening up to your partner about your performance anxiety can also be helpful.
Get enough sleep
Sleep affects many aspects of your health and behavior, including your sex drive. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lack of quality sleep is correlated to low libido, as well as difficulty orgasming in women.
O'Reilly says exhaustion can lead to lack of desire for sex.In this case, you should be prioritizing sleep over sex. Once you take care of your sleep habits, you may notice a difference in your libido, according to O'Reilly.
Address relationship dissatisfaction
When you're in a relationship and you're experiencing issues with your partner, it's likely that those problems will spill over into the bedroom and leave one or both of you less likely to want sex.
"If you're harboring resentment, dealing with a partner who doesn't want to engage, struggling with ongoing conflict, recovering from hurt and trauma, it's unlikely that you'll want sex spontaneously," says O'Reilly.
It's best to work on these issues with your partner rather than sweep them under the rug and hope they go away. O'Reilly suggests talking about underlying sources or tension, and being open about issues. You can do this alone with your partner or with the help of a couples' therapist.
Reduce Negative Anticipation
You might not be looking forward to sex if you are worried about potential or actual negative consequences.
If you don't want to get pregnant or are worried about STIs, use barrier methods such as condoms and hormonal birth control. Be sure to have conversations with any partner about your comforts and concerns.
Some people also experience unwanted pain with sex. This is not something to be excited about. Ask your doctor about any pain or discomfort you experience.
If you regularly have issues with reliable erections and control over orgasms, you might be worried about sex being pleasurable for you and your partner. Make an appointment with a urologist if you have any issues with erections or orgasms.
Talk to a therapist
Talking to a general therapist or a sex therapist can help you deal with underlying psychological reasons that you might be experiencing low sex drive. O'Reilly says this can be particularly helpful if you're dealing with shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.
There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about regarding sex or seeking therapy to help with your sex life. This can be a way to examine the sources of your distress. If there is an underlying psychological cause, then simply trying to boost your libido probably won't help. You need to address the fundamental issue at hand, first.
Try out these tips to give your libido a boost and you'll be on your way to wanting – and enjoying – sex again.