- To start a meaningful conversation on a dating app, ask more open-ended questions.
- You can also try starting a conversation about something specific on your match's profile.
- Be direct and ask what the other person is looking for, so that you don't waste your time.
If you want to make more meaningful connections on dating apps, it's time to level up your effort and move past the boring, "Hey, how are you?" messages. Asking smart questions right off the bat can help you determine if someone you meet on a dating app is worth pursuing and could be an IRL match.
A 2021 analysis found that 57% of conversations on Tinder are one-message conversations — meaning that more than half of first messages on the app go unanswered. To make sure your conversation actually goes somewhere, it's crucial that your first message has substance and makes an impact.
Here are seven ways to start a conversion on a dating app, according to relationship experts.
1. Ask about something specific on the person's profile
Research found that using phrases like "you mention" or "I noticed that", which showed you've looked at a person's profile, resulted in higher response rates on the dating app OkCupid. And since people tend to enjoy being noticed, chances are this'll also work for whatever dating app you're on.
Therefore, use the content that your potential date has shared — like a photo or a bio — as a springboard into a conversation, says Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, a relationship coach and marriage and family therapist in private practice.
For example, if their profile says that they love to travel and you do too, you can ask what their favorite destination is and how often they travel.
Plus, this can make someone feel heard and like you're genuinely interested in them. It shows that you took the time to actually take a look at their profile and you didn't just randomly message them something.
2. Offer up a fun "would you rather" question
Skip the small talk and jump into a game of "would you rather" to get a better idea of your match's personality, likes, and dislikes.
"This can provoke a deeper level of thought and may be a fun and creative way to get to know the person you matched with. You also may be surprised to find out that you both share a similar outlook and/or unique sense of humor," says Cohen.
Here are some ideas from Cohen:
- Would you rather spend a weekend at home watching Netflix in PJs or being up and out early, enjoying the day?
- Would you rather be able to control your future or change the past?
- Would you rather have all of the money in the world or all of the time in the world?
3. Ask a general open-ended question
Asking open-ended questions offers more opportunity for a conversation where you can get a better sense of who the person is.
It can be something as broad as asking someone how their life is going right now, says Joanna Kaminski, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Clarity Therapy NYC. This can give you lots of information about their work, living situation, friendships, or relationship with their family, says Kaminski.
Plus, this is a good way to gauge how they keep up with a conversation. Hopefully, they will ask you follow-up open-ended questions as well, which shows that they are truly interested in getting to know you. But if they only talk about themselves, exercise caution, Kaminski says.
4. Share what you're looking for in a partner
If you're on a dating app and you have clear intentions of what you want, it may help to throw all your cards on the table and see if you're aligned, Cohen says.
For example, you might say you're looking for someone to help you explore the new city you've just moved to, or that you're looking for a long-term relationship with someone whom you can bring home to your family.
"Whatever your goal is, by sharing it, you're proactively determining if you two are on the same page," says Cohen. Although it may feel scary at first to share this, someone who's looking for the same thing as you will certainly appreciate it.
Plus, if you're looking for something serious, you may be in luck. A 2019 survey of engaged couples found that 22% of them had met through online dating — even more than people who had met through friends or work.
5. Ask what they're looking for
Asking someone what their hopes or intentions are with dating can help you uncover someone's motive, Kaminski says. You could say something like:
- Are you on this app just to have some fun or are you looking for a serious relationship?
- Are you looking for a deep connection or casual hookups?
- Are you trying to settle down with someone soon, or keep things casual?
For example, you might find that they're looking for casual hookups and not anything serious, which can help you weed out people if you're hoping for a more serious commitment.
When asking these kinds of questions, keeping a sense of humor can be helpful. Kaminski says it can be something as simple as, "I don't mean to be Sherlock Holmes, but what do you hope for in the dating scene?"
6. Dive in with a deep question
If you feel like bypassing surface level conversations, Kaminski says you can try asking your match something super deep, such as "What is the most meaningful thing that has happened to you in the course of your life?"
You'll get a good idea of someone's personality here since they might be flippant with their response, or they might be sincere. If they share something truly meaningful with you, it can show that they aren't afraid to discuss emotional topics, which is a good sign if you're looking for a serious partner with a secure attachment style.
On the other hand, if someone gives a shallow answer or brushes away the question, it could be more of a sign that they're emotionally unavailable. Or, they could just be shy with strangers.
7. Ask to move the conversation off the app
You can only get to know somebody so much without talking in real time. So many more aspects of communication are unlocked when you move on from texting.
Cohen says after you spend some time with small-talk (or deeper questions) you can ask to try an audio or video call. This way, you can check the vibe in real time and get a better idea for your compatibility before potentially meeting up.
Plus, seeing how receptive they are to this idea can give you more insight into their personality as well, showing if they're more outgoing or reserved.
Insider's takeaway
Dating takes effort, and if you want to form meaningful connections and have good conversations, you'll have to put in the work.
Practice makes perfect, and the more you converse with people on apps, the better you'll get at conversation starters and weeding through potential partners. Soon enough, you'll be on track to finding the right person for you.