6 women share why they had affairs, why they don't regret it, and how they didn't get caught
Julia Naftulin
- Some women who cheat say their personal well-being improved once they stepped out, according to a 2022 study from German researchers.
- Insider spoke with married women who cheated. They often said they had lackluster sex with their husbands.
When Shelby cheated on her husband, she had her first orgasm ever.
The 54-year-old, who used a pseudonym to protect her identity, told Insider that her sexual pleasure felt like an afterthought to her husband, who she's been married to for 20 years. She grappled with cheating on him multiple times, and finally did last Christmas when he decided to work a holiday shift instead of spending time with her, Shelby said.
Marriage dissatisfaction, like what Shelby cited as her reason for stepping out, is a common reason women cheat, according to a November 2022 study. For the study, researchers followed 12,000 German people in relationships for 12 years, periodically checking in. They recorded 1,000 incidents of cheating over that time. When the researchers asked the people who cheated how it impacted their personal well-being in the long term, men said their well-being decreased, while women said having an affair improved their well-being overall.
According to the researchers, this could be because when women tend to start affairs when they're highly dissatisfied in their relationships. They said that women initiating affairs "may be a wake-up call for their partners, leading to positive behavioral change."
Insider spoke with Shelby and other women who cheated on their spouses. To find affair partners, some of the women used Ashley Madison, a website for people seeking affair partners, while one used Snapchat.
They explained why they decided to pursue sex outside of their marriages, like a lack of interest from their husbands, and how they did it without getting caught.
A 27-year-old mother said she joined Ashley Madison after feeling unsupported by her husband while raising their 2-year-old daughter.
The woman, who used the pseudonym Michelle to protect her identity, stepped out on her 6-year marriage. She told Insider that her husband's sex drive seemed to be lower than hers. She didn't anticipate their lack of sexual chemistry when she met him 10 years ago, when she was 17.
"In some ways, I think I settled because I didn't really think there was a lot of options. Knowing that there are so many other people out there I can have these crazy world adventures with, it's kind of a nice feeling," she said.
The woman, who used the fake name Michelle to hide her identity, said using Ashley Madison felt overwhelming at first, but ultimately helped boost her confidence and relationship to her sexuality.
She currently sees the same affair partner, who she met on the website, once a week. They have sex at her house while her husband is at work and her daughter is at daycare, she told Insider. No one knows about the arrangement besides the two of them because Michelle said she fears judgment from her Christian community.
Still, Michelle said she thinks she's a better mother because of her affairs.
"When my daughter's around, I'm more present with her, just because I'm a little happier. Those little self-care things, like I pride myself in doing my hair and makeup more, give a confidence boost," she said.
Another woman was fed up with her 'vanilla' sex life with her husband, so she made an Ashley Madison account and spreadsheet to track her matches.
During an episode of the podcast "She Wants More," the woman said she joined Ashley Madison after years of sexual boredom with her husband.
According to the woman, who used Nikki as a pseudonym to protect her identity, she's still loves her husband of 15 years. Before joining Ashley Madison, Nikki tried to be more adventurous with him during sex, asking to have her hair pulled or butt spanked.
Still, the sex was lackluster, Nikki said. It seemed like her husband was disinterested in improving their intimacy, so she made an Ashley Madison account and was met with a "torrential downpour of potential men," she said.
Her solution? An Excel spreadsheet outlining each man's screen name, attractiveness rating, consistency in responding to her messages, and his ability to listen and get to know her through conversation.
Then, Nikki created an untraceable Google Voice number and WhatsApp for texting and screened the men. She verified their identities with video calls, choosing 10 to meet for in-person dates.
Nikki said the man she ultimately picked for her first affair fulfilled fantasies she'd had for "aggressive" sex.
"I picked the best overall based on our chemistry, the quality of person I believed him to be, what he had to offer the affair. And he was really respectful, not only of me, but of my process," Nikki told "She Wants More" podcast host Jo Piazza.
A 45-year-old woman had her first-ever orgasm with her affair partner, who she met on Ashley Madison. She'd been married to her husband for 20 years.
The woman, who used Shelby as a pseudonym, told Insider that her sex life with her husband is "basically non-existent."
She said gave up on initiating sex with her husband three years ago. When they do have sex at his request, it's about "getting him off," Shelby said.
"It happens when it happens. It's not even planned and it's when he feels like it," Shelby said.
She ended up cheating on her husband on Christmas Day, with a man from Ashley Madison she'd gone on one dae with. Shelby said her husband decided to work a holiday shift and she was home alone, so she went to a hotel for sex with her affair partner, whose spouse was also working.
One woman said she hasn't had sex with her husband for the past 10 years of their 22-year marriage. She has a boyfriend he doesn't know about.
The woman, who used the fake name Kelly, said she feels responsible for keeping her marriage alive, even if it doesn't involve sex.
"I don't want to leave him because I don't want to hurt him and I promised him I wouldn't," Kelly told Insider. "I take care of the house, I take care of the responsibilities, I take care of what I need to do."
She said she's no longer physically attracted to her husband and reserves sex for her boyfriend, who she met three years ago on Ashley Madison. Her husband doesn't know about her boyfriend because they're in a "don't ask don't tell" marriage, Kelly said. They meet up at her house once a week while her husband is at work.
One woman went on 25 dates with men on Ashley Madison before meeting her current and regular affair partner.
The woman said it felt like her interest in sexual exploration and her husband's vanilla tendencies were impossible to reconcile. Still, she didn't want to end her marriage.
Now, she meets up with her affair partner, who she's been seeing for a year, while she travels for work. They'll go on dates at bars and restaurants and then go back to her hotel where they experiment with sex toys.
The woman said she's a less resentful wife and mother because her affair partner lets her feel safe to be sexually free.
She told Insider that managing her life with her family while making time for pleasure with her affair partner can be stressful, but it's ultimately worthwhile.
"It's a lot of energy. It's a lot of thinking to constantly be on the ball and not let anything slip through the cracks, but also I'm happier when I come home because I can be more myself," she said.
One woman sought sexual fulfillment after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. She had digital sex on Snapchat with a stranger and told her husband after.
On the podcast "Dying for Sex," host Nikki Boyer interviews her friend Molly about her decision to end her marriage in search of better sex.
Molly said that her cancer medication increased her sex drive compared to her husband, which compounded already existing problems in their relationship, like a lack of intimacy.
Desperate for sexual closeness, Molly exchanged explicit videos and photos on the app Snapchat. She ended up telling her husband about her decision, and he said he didn't care.
His apathy over the situation helped her realize she should leave her marriage, Molly told Boyer.
"Sex makes me feel alive — and it's a great distraction from being sick" she said on an episode of the six-part podcast.
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