6 common reasons parents regret having kids, even if they really wanted them

• Some parents have reported that they regret having children.
• The reasons can be due to loss of independence, high childcare costs, or postpartum depression.

As wonderful and enriching as parenting can be, some go through the experience with some regret.

About one in 12 parents say they regret having children, according to a 2021 YouGov UK study. Studies in the past yielded similar results in Germany, Poland, and the US.

“Some people fantasize about what it would be like to be a parent,” Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University, told Business Insider. Only when they’re confronted with the realities of raising a child, they think “This was the biggest mistake. What have I done to myself?” she said.

While it’s impossible to know exactly what having a child is like before it happens to you, Degges-White, who is also a mother, said there are still some good ways to prepare.

“You talk to new parents, and then you talk to parents of kids who have almost grown,” she said. “You have to get a taste of it to understand it.” If you can, spend more time with friends who have children or offer to babysit.

Degges-White said the other big step is to know what you value. Why do you want kids? Would you be ok with making compromises in your career?

“You've got to kind of weigh out the benefits of having a child or not having a kid, looking at your life,” she said.

She outlined some of the common reasons parents can regret having children, all of which are important to consider and prepare for before starting a family of your own.

1. Loss of independence

Degges-White said one of the most frequent reasons parents regret having kids is the “loss of freedom and loss of control over your own life.”

Your career trajectory might change with a child, or you might deeply miss the freedom of your child-free life.

“Once you have kids, your life is not your own anymore,” Degges-White said. You're on somebody else's timeline, somebody else's schedule.” If you’re someone who’s particularly used to being independent, it might be especially hard to transition to caring for an uncontrollable infant.

2. The cost of childcare

Childcare costs in the US are notoriously high, and the financial strain of caring for kids can cause feelings of regret in some parents, according to Degges-White.

“They might think, ‘What have I gotten myself up into? Can I afford this? Is this a doable thing?’” she said. Some parents might also regret the number of kids they had, as expenses creep up.

While it can’t fix a broken childcare system, budgeting and financial planning can help before or during parenthood.

3. Not having a good relationship with the other parent

In some cases, a parent might regret having a child because they realize they don’t have a healthy relationship with the other parent.

“That can be really hard, especially if you come from a family where your own parents had a broken relationship,” Degges-White said. For example, if you were raised by emotionally immature parents who fought all the time, you might realize that you’re repeating the same patterns in your own family.

Fortunately, there are ways to break the cycle if you grew up with abuse or dysfunction.

4. Experiencing postpartum depression

Degges-White said postpartum depression can be a significant issue for parents — and one that can be easily dismissed as “baby blues.”

Postpartum depression can last months and even years, and involve less-talked-about experiences like OCD symptoms. While more frequently associated with women and motherhod, men can also experience postpartum depression.

5. The timing

Some people don’t regret their kids as much as the timing of when they had them, according to Degges-White.

For example, she said a parent might wish they graduated college before having kids, or waited until their career felt a little more established to feel more financially secure.

“Sometimes it's just the schedule,” she said, as a parent’s current job schedule might make it extra difficult to care for their kids or drop them off at school.

6. Fear of the future

Degges-White said some parents might regret having children purely out of fear for their kids’ future. For example, the climate crisis might make them afraid that their children will suffer in the long-term.

“They love their kids, but they regret putting this burden on their kids,” she said.

Even still, there are plenty of parents who feel worried about the future but still see having kids as a worthwhile experience.