5 ways to tell if you're 'settling' with your partner — and how to fix your relationship instead of breaking up

• A psychology professor says that we expect emotional fulfillment from partners now more than ever.
• While we can lower impossible expectations, we also shouldn't settle out of fear of being alone.

We're putting a lot more emotional stock into our romantic relationships compared to centuries ago.

"It used to be good enough that a partner help meet basic needs, like safety, security, financial stuff," Theresa DiDonato, a professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland, told Insider. Now, she said, our culture has shifted where we also want support for "own personal thriving and growth."

But finding someone who aligns with us — without putting astronomic pressure on them — can be a tricky balancing act. We don't want to have unrealistic expectations, but lowering them isn't always the key to happiness, either.

DiDonato, who said she's "not on board" with people lowering their standards, thinks there's a big difference between making adjustments in a partnership and flat-out settling.

"I think when people lower their standards and they settle, that's not a recipe for relationship success," she said, stating that it can lead to stability, but not joy.

If you realize that you feel like you're settling in your relationship, don't worry; that doesn't have to automatically mean a breakup. Insider spoke to two psychologists who say that these relationships are more than salvageable — and it's worth it to put the effort in.

"When it works, relationships are arguably more satisfying than they've ever been," said DiDonato. "Because when it's good, it's really good."

Here are five ways to tell if you're settling — and five relationship fixes.

Sign 1: The fear of being alone overrides everything else

According to DiDonato, one of the most common reasons people settle is a fear of being alone. You might have even had a nagging feeling at the back of your mind wondering, "What if I just never find someone better?"

Isabelle Morley, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in couples therapy, also said that "being driven by time pressure," such as wanting kids or marriage by a certain age, can make you prioritize hitting that milestone over the partner you're with.

How to fix it: Time to do some personal reflection. DiDonato said it's important to know what your expectations are and where they come from so you can see where your current relationship falls. She said our standards "are built on personal history, maybe observing parents, friends, maybe through our own experiences of what didn't work for us."

If you're still stuck, "It's always worthwhile to look back and see what has been important for you in your best relationships," Morley said, noting the same rule applies to relationships that didn't work out.

Sign 2: You consistently wish you were more intimate together

Morley said that if you never really went through a phase of deep attraction and physical intimacy, that may be a sign that you're settling for someone you're just not that into. (Exceptions include people who identify as asexual or aromantic or people with relationship OCD, which can make the honeymoon period more complicated).

For everyone else, it's normal to go through phases of being less into each other, Morley said. It only becomes a problem if it goes on for years.

How to fix it: According to Morley, you can always work on rebuilding that connection by doing things like trying new activities together or reconnecting intimately — but you should watch out if you don't actually want to put in the effort. "If you don't want to work on it, if you're okay with being physically disconnected from them and don't want to regain that intimacy, that could be a problem."

Sign 3: You lean on them for your entire social life

If your partner doubles as your closest friend, family member, and main source of human interaction, it becomes scarier to leave them — even if you're not romantically attracted to them anymore. Suddenly, breaking up means you lose the same person you go to for all your emotional support.

How to fix it: Reaching out to a wider network is crucial for a happier relationship — and your health.

DiDonato said it can be helpful to ask "Are there things that you are asking of your partner that you could easily fix by drawing on friends or other resources to meet those needs?"

Morley said the best way to branch out is to "test yourself and see if you can become comfortable doing things by yourself," such as going on vacation without your significant other and seeking out new experiences on your own.

Sign 4: You hold things back or stifle your personality

While it's important to have a network outside of your partner, DiDonato said to be wary of the other extreme, leaning mostly on friends and family while barely involving your partner.

"If you notice a difference with how you are with your best friends in the world and how you are with your partner, that's worth examining," Morley said. For example, you might realize that you self-monitor or avoid certain topics with them out of fear of losing the relationship.

How to fix it: The first step, according to Morley, is to be honest with your partner and tell them that you tend to avoid certain subjects but want to get better at opening up. It gives them the chance to be receptive of you doing that work, which can make it less daunting.

In her experience with clients, Morley said the issue doesn't usually stem from them settling for their partners, but from poor communication. "They have accepted less than what they need from a partner who can give it to them," she said.

Sign 5: You're not growing together

You might enjoy your relationship enough, but feel stagnant somehow. Even the strongest partnerships can start to feel stale if you're stuck in the same routines.

How to fix it: "Personal growth doesn't have to be personal; It can be with your relationship partner," said DiDonato.

She said you can try things as a couple that are "oriented towards your own self-actualization," be it taking a painting class to break up TV marathons or starting a morning walk routine to spend more meaningful time together. "You're garnering a lot of relationship benefits through those self-expanding activities by doing them together," said DiDonato.