4 signs you're outgrowing a friendship, even if you've been through it all together

• Just like romantic relationships, long-term friendships can run their course.
• A licensed counselor shared some common signs you've outgrown a friendship.

Just like you can slowly realize you’re in the wrong romantic relationship, you can one day find that you and your best friend just don’t mesh the same way anymore.

A common reason is feeling like you’ve grown while your friend hasn’t — or at least not in a way that complements you.

“If a friend can't grow with you, you are going to drift apart because you're traveling on a different path,” Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University, told Business Insider.

Degges-White said that all friendships are different; some might warrant a conversation (depending on how close you are and what the issue is), while others might just have hit their expiration date.

She explained some common signs you’ve outgrown a friendship dynamic, whether you want to cut ties, open up to your friend, or just take a breather from hanging out.

You’re frequently annoyed by them

While everyone gets irritated by their loved ones at some point, if you feel actively judgmental of your friend, you might be outgrowing them, according to Degges-White.

She said signs include “getting irritated by their quirks and idiosyncrasies” or laughing along with their jokes without actually finding them funny.

The rift gets more pressing when you clash on values, and “their behaviors start to push boundaries,” Degges-White said. At that point, it might be worth having a conversation with them if you’re very close. Sometimes, the issue might be due to different communication styles and can be resolved by talking about it openly.

You look for ways to cancel or postpone plans

In the same way you can quiet-quit a marriage, you can slowly inch away from a long-term friendship.

“You find yourself canceling plans more often than ever before or looking for reasons to cancel plans with someone who feels draining,” Degges-White said.

For example, if your friend is self-centered, it can be hard to sit through one-sided phone calls or agree to activities they know you’re not interested in.

“The relationship no longer feeds you, and when you're not getting fed by a relationship, it’s super hard to keep investing in it,” Degges-White said.

You’re no longer OK with how they treat you

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, the way your parents treated you likely impacted the kinds of friends you chose, according to Degges-White.

“If we grew up with people who belittle people, then we might not notice other people belittling us,” she said.

For example, if a reactive parent raised you, you might be drawn to chaotic, “loose cannon” friends. If your parent was emotionally absent, you might have friends with more narcissistic qualities who make you feel used.

But when you start to break the cycle by going to therapy and becoming more aware of your patterns, you might lose more than your people-pleasing tendencies.

“When our eyes are open to who our friend is, sometimes we don't like the way they make us feel,” Degges-White said. “Sometimes you outgrow friends, and it's a good thing because they're part of who you were before you matured.”

If you’ve become more emotionally mature, you won’t have as much of a tolerance for a friend’s volatile reactions, snarky comments, or passive-aggression.

You’ve been holding onto a big issue

Sometimes, the issue isn’t your friend’s entire character as much as a past issue you never talked about with them.

Maybe they made a hurtful comment that you let slide in the moment but haven’t forgotten. Or perhaps you got into a heated argument, and while you resolved it, you’re still not over certain aspects of the fight.

“Sometimes, you think it's emotionally easier on yourself not to address it,” Degges-White said. But you're going to be carrying that resentment with you.”

Eventually, that incident from long ago may color your other interactions with them, snowballing beyond repair.

If that’s the case, Degges-White recommended talking to your friend. Often, people set boundaries too late, abruptly breaking up with their friends over text with a laundry list of grievances they had no idea about.

You might as well be honest if you’re convinced you’re on the outs. You never know how it can change — or save — a friendship.