3 tips for verbally dominating your lover, according to a dominatrix and fetish wrestler

• Dominatrix, sex educator, and fetish wrestler Lola Jean explained how to use verbal domination to turn on a partner.
• Jean said verbal domination combines banter, describing what you see, asking questions, and talking trash.

Lola Jean, a professional dominatrix, fetish wrestler, and sex educator, recently hosted a virtual seminar where she shared tips for mastering the art of verbal domination.

"Within fetish wrestling itself, there can be a lot of trash talk. There can be a lot of banter, and verbal domination is an umbrella that encapsulates all of those things," Jean said during the seminar. She said people can use verbal domination in role play as well.

Jean gave a step-by-step tutorial on how a trash-talk beginner can get into verbal domination. She said preparing before the experience, taking it slow, and focusing on details can help anyone master the art.

Ask your partner how they want to feel when you talk trash

If you want to verbally dominate your partner, whether they're a casual fling or a longtime lover, you should first understand the experience they want, said Jean.

To do this, she suggested asking your partner (after they agree to some trash talk) how they want to feel while you verbally dominate them. Ideally, you'd ask this days before you try it out so your partner has time to think about it.

Make sure they're specific here, said Jean, whether that means they want to feel humiliated, out of control, or adored. If they're unsure how they want to feel, offering options instead of posing that open-ended question can help, she said.

You should also ask, "Where do you want to be taken?" said Jean, whether it's to a specific fantasy or simply out of their own head.

"Each person will have their own psyche that will rule them," Jean said.

Asking, "What words make you shut down?" is also important to keep the experience a safe space, said Jean. For example, Jean tells people who verbally dominate her to not discuss her work ethic.

Create a persona using trial-and-error

Once you have source material from your partner, think up a character that can fulfill their wishes.

Nailing the right dominatrix persona for a particular partner could take a bit of practice, said Jean. If you're nervous about forgetting lines you want to use, she suggested writing them down and putting them on a clipboard, which can double as a sexy prop.

"You can be figuring this out as it's happening, because you're the dominant persona," said Jean.

As you being to play, ask your partner how certain words and scenarios feel to them and proceed based on their responses.

Jean said using "What if" statements can also create a balance between comfort and spontaneity. She gave the example of saying, "What if I started to film you on Instagram Live right now? I'm not going to, but what if I did? How would you feel?"

This way, you're keeping a safe environment while retaining control, according to Jean.

Lean into details and tell stories

If you're unsure how to improvise, Jean said to lean into describing what you see, like the expression on your partner's face or explaining a sexy act as you do it.

"Really milk every single moment," said Jean.

You can also discuss the past and future to verbally excite your partner, like telling a story about how your day put you in a bad mood. Explain the events that led to your bad mood, which can leave your partner wondering how the story could involve them, said Jean.

To invoke the future, explain how your partner will feel after the experience is over or tell them they won't be able to stop thinking about these moments, Jean said.