10 red flags that mean you should stop seeing your therapist and find a new one

Finding a therapist is truly a personal journey, licensed therapist and social worker Jillian Amodio told Insider. So even the most skilled therapist won't be the perfect fit for everyone.

Therapy should be an experience you find value in, and can also be hard work, she said.

"But even so it should not be something that feels burdensome, or an appointment that you dread going to," she said.

You should ask yourself the following questions, Amodio said: Do you feel heard, respected, and understood in your sessions? Do you feel like you are making progress? Are your needs being met, and are you making progress toward your goals?

If the answer to any of those questions is "no," it's probably time to look elsewhere.

Many therapists aren't all that focused, Chong said. They go in so many different directions, covering everything and everyone from your work, to your relationships, to your upbringing. While this can be useful for discovering past traumas, it's not so efficient if you've gone in for one specific problem.

"They don't specialize on that one field, and if you're a jack of all trades you tend to be a master of none," Chong said. "If you're talking to everyone you're talking to no one. That's why you have to specialize on one thing."

If you're seeking therapy to get a wider insight into your own thoughts, then a general approach is a good one. But if you're struggling after a trauma, or you can't get your head around why you're always unlucky in love, a more specialized therapy program is probably a better option.

Many people in therapy have weekly slots, with a session of about an hour or less. The problem with this, Chong said, is that the problem can be drawn out.

"Trauma doesn't fit into a once a week sort of thing," she said. "People need additional support. It's not very flexible."

She said when the hour is up, therapists leave their clients to their own devices, which can be irresponsible. In a way, the hour in the therapist's office is like putting a band-aid over a wound — but that wound is still festering underneath.

"The problem never really gets solved, because they are session-based not result-based," said Chong. "And the patient thinks because they feel okay afterwards, their problem has been solved. But there is deeply rooted trauma lying underneath the band-aid."

So if you're struggling through something that needs longer than one-hour bursts, go for a therapist who you can call whenever you're having a tough time, she said.

Another issue with ad-hoc sessions is the drawn-out nature of the therapy can mean it's harder to integrate what you learn into daily life.

Doctor of psychology Perpetua Neo, who works as a therapist for high-achieving women, told Insider that it can be damaging if you haven't gotten to the root of the issue.

"The human mind is designed to sabotage itself — we don't really like change," she said. "Essentially, therapy needs to account for sabotage and to clear the problem at its root, and of course, have accountable steps for a person to follow."

Some clients can get addicted to therapy, like a toxic friendship. This is how people can find themselves in therapy for years, or even decades, without making much of an improvement, Neo said.

"If they are paying quite little for sessions, they don't care if it lasts forever," she said. "But you pay the price in terms of your sanity, your confidence. People learn how to be helpless and hopeless."

For instance, a therapist may tell their clients their problem is something they have to learn to live with, rather than conquer, which Neo said isn't usually true.

"You're trusting someone with your mind, your sanity and your wellbeing," she said. "If you hear you're going to have anxiety for the rest of your life, that's really disheartening."

"A lot of therapists have way too many clients," said Chong. "They're trying to do everything for everyone at the same time."

One of her clients, for example, told her his therapist forgot everything he'd said in previous sessions, so he'd have to remind them of the work they'd done every week.

In this case, it's unlikely the client will feel like therapy is working for them, and they'll probably think their therapist doesn't really care.

If you find you're often repeating yourself in sessions, and your therapist isn't taking in what you say, it's a big sign you should look for someone new.

Another sign they're not invested is if they keep falling asleep, according to psychotherapist and president of Unicorn Health Care, LLC, Emma Jackson.

"Sometimes things happen — your therapist becomes ill, has a reaction to medication that makes them drowsy, or something else," she told Insider.

"But this should be a once-in-a-blue-moon-if-at-all occurence. If your therapist is catching a snooze on the regular, it's time to seek care elsewhere. That's not what you're paying for."

Jackson said another sign your therapist is a wrong fit is if you find yourself holding back important information. One of her former clients, for example, failed to mention he was having an extramarital affair for almost 3 months.

"In this case, they said they feared my judgment and 'were relieved when I still wanted to work with them,'" she said.

"If you have a big secret that is related to what you're working on, but can't bring yourself to tell your therapist about it — that's probably a sign you need to find someone else."

Sitting and talking about your feelings for an hour just doesn't work for some people, and that's fine.

But therapists can be set in their ways about how to go about their sessions, so they don't adapt and learn with their clients, Chong said.

Chong puts this down to the fact that some therapists have an ego, and if their way of working has been effective in the past, they see no reason to change.

In that instance, it's up to the client to find the expert who works for them, otherwise it's like "the blind leading the blind."

Jackson said while it's normal to become attached to your therapist, there may come a time where you hit the threshold of their ability.

For example, people may seek therapy for help with anxiety and depression, then after some time want to work on other things, such as sexual intimacy and gender identity. They may also benefit from a different kind of therapy than their current clinician offers, such as eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR).

If this happens, Jackson said she helps her clients through the process of transition, because sometimes they can "resist" the change.

"Sometimes our clients' needs extend beyond the scope of our training," she said. "We try to refer them to others so that they can continue to do the growth work they need and deserve to be able to do."

This article was originally posted in July 2019, but was updated in May 2023 to include new experts and information.