We tried every fast-food breakfast hash brown out there - here's who does it best

Frailty, thy name is Taco Bell hash brown.

It's floppy, sopping with grease, and paler than Robert Smith. It tastes not of potato, but of an insipid flour tortilla — quite alarming to the taste buds, but it makes sense considering it's dipped in the same fryolator as the Chalupa Supreme.

The question is: why order a hash brown at Taco Bell?

What's a step up from the wrong flavor? No flavor, I suppose. Burger King's hash browns are firm, yet lack crispness and taste. In a word: bland. It would seem the only seasoning used is salt, and a tad too much at that.

These golden isosceles triangles are incredibly thick and packed with potato. They're pretty delicious, but their thickness translates to structural issues — they fall apart easily, making eating potentially messy.

By far the greasiest of the bunch, as well. The bottom of the container was a veritable oil slick — these could be considered a highly flammable fire hazard. These are the Le Corbusier of hash browns: gorgeous, but leaky and prone to cracks in the foundation.

After a disappointing showing from Burger King, the first little hash brown round from Chick-fil-A was a welcome surprise. Crispy — inconsistently, but usually crispy — and fluffy, they complement the Chick-fil-A breakfast menu sandwiches well. Plus, they come in a convenient little box.

But the fluffy potato inside can feel grainy at times, and they seem to fall apart and stick together frequently.

Dunkins' hash browns are pretty soft, but to be fair, they don't pretend to be crispy. These little plush medallions are incredibly flavorful, with a taste that's reminiscent of latkes. Hints of onion and pepper swirl about, and they have a slight charred and savory flavor.

They're also rather greasy, but not unexpectedly so. They are fried potato rounds, after all. What's great about Dunkin' Donuts' hash browns is that they're heated up in the oven to order, so they're always hot and fresh.

Wendy's really needs to embrace its breakfast menu.

Its first attempt in the mid-'80s was a non-starter, so I understand their reticence to roll out their current breakfast nationally. But at the participating locations, the sandwiches are surprisingly tasty and the home fries — their fried breakfast potato iteration — are divine.

These little crescents of deliciousness are seasoned liberally with garlic, onion, and what I assume is pepper (the nutritional info is a tad byzantine). The potato skin is kept on the edge of the wedges, lending a satisfying crunch to eat bite. I find myself involuntarily reaching for another wedge every five seconds — they're that good.

Is this any surprise?

Some seem to think I'm a McDonald's shill (I love a good conspiracy theory, but come on!), yet the honest truth is that McDonald's makes some pretty great fast-food — especially at breakfast.

The McDonald's hash brown is an inimitable classic, an icon of fast-food breakfast. The golden idol is an elegant lozenge shape, glittering with just the right amount of grease. It's crisp as crisp can be — always perfectly fried.

The smell alone can conquer the strongest of wills, and the sight of that gleaming ingot of potato in its paper sleeve can set hearts ablaze, either through unfettered desire or heartburn.

While everyone has a personal favorite, the McDonald's hash brown occupies the top spot in the pantheons of many a fast-food connoisseur.

The taste is very distinct — a savory richness whose allure is shared in their signature french fries. The secret is simple: beef flavoring. So don't assume this is a vegetarian option, because you will be sorely mistaken.

Some chains were omitted from this definitive, clear-cut, and entirely unscientific ranking — perhaps there's one that can topple the best of the best.

And if such a golden potato talisman is out there, rest assured that it shall be found.