Cracker Barrel cheese says anything can be a s'more. They are wrong.

• Cracker Barrel recently tweeted: "Who said s'mores can only be made with marshmallows? Introducing: #SavorySmores."
• The tweet was accompanied by a photo of a stack of crackers, meat, and cheese.
• I say that s'mores can only be made with marshmallows. And, even if you allow for some slight variations, there is no way that this charcuterie spread is a so-called savory s'more.
• To argue that this is a savory s'more goes against everything I believe in.
• "We're excited to see the passionate debate this post has generated and the clear sides fans have taken for team sweet and team savory! We hope the debate continues," Lynne Galia, the head of communications for US brands at The Kraft Heinz Company said in an email.

I recently came across a promoted tweet that made my blood run cold.

"Who said s'mores can only be made with marshmallows? Introducing: #SavorySmores," tweeted Cracker Barrel.

The Kraft-owned cheese brand — not the restaurant chain Cracker Barrel — accompanied the question with an image of crackers, cheese, and some sort of meat stacked next to each other on a large white plate.

—CrackerBarrelCheese (@CBCheeses) July 16, 2020

Who said s'mores can only be made with marshmallows? To answer a rhetorical question – I said it and I will strongly stand by my words.

It is an undeniable fact that s'mores can only be made with marshmallows, or some sort of product that attempts to replicate the texture and flavor of the marshmallow. Even if that wasn't true, there is no way in hell that s'mores would be made with what appears to be Triscuit crackers, pepperoni, and cheddar cheese.

This photo has literally nothing to do with s'mores. None of the ingredients are used in the classic s'mores recipe of graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows. I guess you could say that the crackers are a common element, but graham crackers and Triscuit-style crackers are basically as different as you can find in terms of texture, flavor, and aesthetic.

The only way this "savory s'mores" definition works at all is if Cracker Barrel is somehow operating under the assumption that all sandwiches made with crackers are s'mores — that everything from Lunchables to Ritz Bitz to certain ice cream sandwiches somehow falls under the s'mores umbrella. That is, obviously, a false argument that no one has ever made.

Catherine LeClair, who recently joined the BI Retail team, offered another disturbing potential definition that could allow for the existence of this so-called savory s'more. Perhaps, she said, Cracker Barrel believed a s'more was "something you simply need to have some more of."

If the cheese brand made this argument, LeClair said, she would be mad. I agreed that I would be similarly enraged.

What is a s'more?

In fact, the Merriam-Webster definition of s'mores is a pretty solid one: "a dessert consisting usually of toasted marshmallow and pieces of chocolate bar sandwiched between two graham crackers."

The "usually" allows for some wiggle room, which I think is fair. Slight variations that I will allow include marshmallows that have been microwaved instead of toasted, chocolate that does not come from a bar, and additional ingredients that can be added to a s'more. These changes will usually make s'mores worse, but do not preclude them from the category. Changes made due to dietary restrictions are also reasonable.

Merriam-Webster's definition — like the s'mores definition of any reasonable person — does not allow for well-established charcuterie ingredients to be considered s'mores.

After Cracker Barrel's tweet ruined my afternoon on Thursday, I reached out to Kraft Heinz for comment, asking "why this cracker/meat/cheese combo was termed a 'savory s'more.'" Lynne Galia, the head of communications for US brands at The Kraft Heinz Company, responded on Friday.

"We know there are a lot of s'mores lovers out there, and we thought a Cracker Barrel-based version would be just as delicious as a classic s'more," Galia said. "We also know that people may not be able to travel to campgrounds as easily this year, so we liked the idea of a simple savory s'more that can be made at home, no campfire required."

(Note: I do not expect s'mores to require a campfire. That is not the argument I am having here!)

In any case, Galia continued: "We're excited to see the passionate debate this post has generated and the clear sides fans have taken for team sweet and team savory! We hope the debate continues."

I, on the other hand, hope that this debate swiftly ends. Savory s'mores are not a thing. Even if they were, a haphazard stack of cheese, crackers, and meat would not fit the bill.

I decided to give Cracker Barrel one last chance to explain itself. I responded to Galia, asking if she could specifically explain how Cracker Barrel defines s'mores.

She did not respond.