How some boomers are overcoming loneliness and finding new friendships in retirement: 'It's been a lifesaver'

Maria Maki, 79, experienced her "deepest sense of loneliness" when she moved to Buffalo, Minnesota, at the height of the pandemic.

She attempted to mitigate her feelings of isolation by reading and doing various projects at home, but Maki told me that between not having close contact with family members and living alone in a new city, she reached a point where "enough is enough."

Her outlook shifted in March of last year when she saw a woman post on Nextdoor, an app meant to connect people in the same neighborhood, saying she was also new to the area and lonely.

"Immediately, 30 women responded, and I was one of the women who quickly responded and said, 'Let's meet for coffee over at our local coffee shop and set a date,'" Maki said. "And four of us showed up, and then the four of us talked, and we were glad to meet each other. We posted it back on Nextdoor, and the next week, we had 15 people, and that was too crowded for the coffee shop."

The surge in interest led Maki to contact the local community center to request a room where the women could gather. Demand grew so strong that they split into smaller groups that were more conducive to talking and forming connections.

"I was anxious to find a group of friends in Buffalo, and that's why I jumped at the invitation to meet at the coffee shop, and I've been going ever since," Maki said. "And it's been a lifesaver, not just for me, but for some of the other people, too."

Maki isn't exaggerating: Finding a cure for loneliness could indeed save lives. In May, US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared loneliness an epidemic, and he initiated a call for action to mitigate its harmful impacts: increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and dementia in older adults. Loneliness also increases the risk of early death by more than 60%, per Murthy's report.

While loneliness among older adults has been an issue for years, the pandemic exacerbated it across all age groups. Gen Zers have told Business Insider about solutions to their loneliness, such as joining fitness groups or taking art or cooking classes. But older people often don't have those options and tend to be more socially isolated as their families move away and long-term friendships dwindle. They need to find more accessible solutions to stimulate social interaction. Some experts told me that cities could help counter loneliness with policies that bolster senior centers and ensure accessibility to vital resources and that governments should invest more in mitigating loneliness for older adults. In the meantime, some of those adults are taking matters into their own hands to ensure life doesn't pass them by.

"I am happier," Maki said. "I feel like I have a group of people I can talk to or call, and I've done some of the outside activities, which has been fun. I look forward to it all week, and without that, I don't know what I'd do."

Even a small connection can be a 'lifesaver'

Joe Lamy, 75, retired in 2021. He told me that when he lost interactions with his coworkers, he struggled to find new ways to connect with others.

Not ready to slide into obscurity, he contacted his local senior center in Seattle to facilitate a group for older adults to gather and talk, free of charge. Lamy described it as "a lifesaver."

"When we had our first meeting, I asked them, 'How many of you have people you can talk to?' And only half the people raised their hand," Lamy said. "And I said, 'Do you mean to tell me that four of you don't have any person you can talk to in your life about anything?' And they said, 'Yes, that's why we're here.' And it just broke my heart."

Dianne Stone, the associate director of the National Council on Aging's National Institute of Senior Centers, told me that while older adults have had high loneliness rates for years, "if anything good" came out of the pandemic, it was a "winder recognition of just how significant a problem loneliness is."

She emphasized the difference between being lonely and being socially isolated — while "isolation is the circumstance and loneliness is the feeling around it," she said, "older adults do tend to become more socially isolated, so they're at higher risk of loneliness."

That's largely why Lamy felt compelled to organize an easy way for older adults in the community to meet and talk to one another. "I feel like I've taken on the role of illuminator in helping people see themselves and become comfortable in themselves so that they can develop those relationships that are so meaningful," he said.

A few weeks after my first conversation with Lamy in January, he followed up to tell me he'd received a flood of interest from people across the country seeking to become facilitators for groups at their own senior centers. He's now working with organizations in other states to help connect people with groups. He said focusing more on the importance of frequent social interaction could give older adults a simple and free option to prevent loneliness as they age while proving that people don't need to focus on work and making money to find fulfillment.

"We have little moments that are actually more important in our joy than making 20 bucks," Lamy said. "Not that money's not important. It just doesn't fill you up."

'Opportunity's not going to knock on my door'

While Lamy found connections at his local senior center, it hasn't been so easy for Jan, who moved to Las Vegas from New York two years ago after separating from her husband.

Jan, 60 — who requested her last name be withheld for privacy — said that while she now lives close to her mother, that's just about the only meaningful social interaction she's had with anyone since her move. Her dealings with neighbors consist solely of small talk and smiles exchanged in passing; no one has reached out to her to grab a coffee or see a movie, and she's terrified that'll never change.

"Most people have family or friends or a significant other. I don't have that," Jan said. "So I am alone. And my worries are, what happens when I can't walk up and down the stairs here at my apartment? What happens when I'm sick and I need help? I don't have anybody."

I asked Jan whether she'd attempted to find solutions to her loneliness, like reaching out to local organizations or finding groups in which she might find people with shared interests. She said she had contacted numerous organizations in her area, including some Jewish groups. Still, the process was burdensome for her and required frequent follow-ups, as she said the people she was in contact with were busy and difficult to get ahold of.

"I just lead such a solitary life," Jan said. "I'm alone every day 24/7. I don't have any company. There's never anybody in my apartment, and I don't have the means to go anywhere."

"Opportunity's not going to knock on my door and say, 'We're here to give you an opportunity.' Of course not," she added. "But I don't know if I have that desire or that 'umph' anymore to go out and look for it."

In a January 2023 survey of US adults ages 50 to 80 by the National Poll on Healthy Aging, one in three respondents reported infrequent contact with people outside their homes, with 37% saying they'd felt a lack of companionship at least some of the time in the past year. Preeti Malani, a professor of medicine at the University of Michigan who is a member of the National Poll on Healthy Aging's research team, told me that "if you're lonely, maybe there's not much interest in taking care of yourself." And that can have health impacts.

"Purpose is a big part of health, and when you look at people who've suffered a lot of losses, and you're like, 'I don't know how you are able to get out of bed every day,' a lot of times it's purpose," Malani said. "It's the idea that what I'm doing is really important to others."

Garey Schmidt, 66, was able to find a purpose that has helped him avoid loneliness. After moving from a Chicago suburb to Sedona, Arizona, three years ago, he said the only person he knew in the area was his real-estate agent — and he knew that had to change. A self-described introvert, Schmidt said it wasn't easy for him to step out of his comfort zone and take a stab at meeting new people. But he figured he had nothing to lose, so he posted on Nextdoor to see whether anyone in the area wanted to meet him for coffee. Turns out, a lot of people did.

"We now have a core group of about 17 people that are still together 2 ½ years later," Schmidt said.

"It's just a really nice group of people, and we help each other out with different things, like what doctors we're seeing and who we go to for repairs," Schmidt said. "And I needed a shoulder surgery, but I was taking a plane out of Flagstaff, and one of the couples said, 'We'll take you there.' So it's a very helpful group, too."

Malani said that "your immunology changes when you experience joy and togetherness," and Schmidt said he had experienced that shift. Since the group grew too large for a coffee, it now meets at someone's house every Wednesday. Schmidt acknowledged it wasn't easy to put himself out there, but he said that after learning more about the loneliness epidemic and the effects it could have on older adults, he was grateful that he did.

"People may not know of all the different ways you can get out there, and it just breaks my heart," Schmidt said. "There are a lot of really lonely people in the end, and I don't want to be one of those people."

The cost of loneliness

Not only does loneliness have a significant mental and physical toll — it can be increasingly costly the longer it goes unresolved. Sen. Chris Murphy, a Democratic lawmaker in Connecticut who in December introduced a bill meant to combat loneliness among older Americans, told me that addressing loneliness "can save us a lot of money in our healthcare system because slowly, loneliness tends to increase your likelihood of heart disease, stroke, and dementia."

"People are living longer and being active longer," Murphy said. "But with family starting to scatter, and more kids because of the economy and because of the cost of living, are having to move further away, older adults end up getting isolated. What we know is that isolation and loneliness among older people tend to lead to pretty serious health complications very quickly. So there is a real reason for us to try to help older people find connection."

Rick Grossman, 70, found a solution to avoid the costs of loneliness — while also helping him navigate the other expenses that come naturally with aging. Grossman told me it was hard for him to maintain relationships while moving around his whole life and having a range of jobs, including a teacher, a salesman, and a toy store owner.

When he moved to Seattle about 10 years ago, he was living alone and struggling to find lasting connections — until he learned about senior villages, a network of nonprofits across the US that connect older adults in their geographical region through resources and activities. Members pay dues that help fund the villages on a sliding scale depending on involvement, and the villages — which can be virtual but connect people in the same geographic region — allow them to live where they choose while still having access to virtual and in-person events.

"There are lessons in just preparing all of those horrible things that you have to do as seniors, handling wills and doing medical power of attorney and all of those other things," Grossman said. "I've been avoiding those things for so long, and I think many people have. Nobody likes to do that. But if you do that with a group of other people that you know, it's a lot easier."

While it may not be feasible for everyone to pay dues to find relationships, Grossman says the cost is worth it to him because he no longer has to deal with the mental toll of loneliness — and the fear that if something were to happen to him, no one would ever find out. "We need to be more concerned about other people," he said. "We can't just abandon people when they age."

Some experts and lawmakers have put forth solutions meant to prevent Americans from becoming isolated and lonely as they age. Stone emphasized the importance of access to local senior centers to help older adults connect with their communities, along with ensuring states implement policies and funding that support loneliness mitigation.

"How do you make this work? Prioritizing things like transportation infrastructure, making sure that it's all truly accessible so that people can get places," Stone said. "Supporting those community-based organizations is incredibly important. Along with senior centers, we're also talking about libraries. We're talking about parks and recreation. These are all community-funded and government-funded initiatives, so prioritizing them, I think, is incredibly important."

Jeff Keilson, a senior vice president at Advocates — an organization that works to help people facing developmental and mental health challenges — has succeeded in receiving government funding to address loneliness in Massachusetts. In January of last year, the state's attorney general (now governor), Maura Healey, awarded $2.9 million to 11 organizations in the state, including Advocates' initiative, the Friendship Project. The project connects residents experiencing social isolation with volunteers who visit their homes and accompany them on various tasks, like going out to get groceries.

"A lot of us are able to make friendships on our own. A lot of us are not," Keilson told me. "We sometimes use various ways to help. And for people with disabilities, it's a particularly more acute challenge. But we've seen how just connecting people with volunteers, the ripple effects on that, and how great it is. So if this is an area with additional focus and additional resources, we could see the results in fairly dramatic ways."

Murphy said he's working to get more of his colleagues in Congress on board and encourage them to start to pay more attention to the issue, saying that "it's just harder to ignore as a crisis." Grossman isn't ignoring the crisis because he's lived through it — and he's discovered how social connections can truly be lifesaving if the proper infrastructure is in place to make them happen.

"Sometimes I think our society just wants to protect themselves against certain things. They hide from aging by not being with seniors, or they worry about themselves becoming poor, so they avoid contact with the poor," Grossman said. "We are social beings, and we just need those connections."