- Allison Tenney, 42, has a pre-teen and teen daughter.
- She doesn't believe parents have to endure a rough relationship with their teens.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Allison Tenney. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Parents are often fed the narrative that parenting pre-teens and teenagers is guaranteed to be difficult. However, I've fostered a healthy relationship with my two daughters, ages 12 and 13, by still having my own identity, not being afraid to apologize, and even bringing out the snacks when needed.
Maintaining my identity outside of being a mom helps me parent
I'm a strength and conditioning coach, and I run my own online fitness business. My daughters have grown up watching me work in athletics, whether physically on a soccer field helping a team workout, in the garage gym working with a client, or posting on social media about strength, capacity, and resilience for women.
While being a mom is really important to me, ensuring my identity is not wrapped up in being a mom has actually helped my relationship with my daughters. Because I'm grounded in myself, I don't try to helicopter parent or take care of their problems for them. I provide a safe place for them to land. I listen and ask questions about their experience, while not inserting my projecting my own opinion or experience onto them.
I prioritize apologizing to my daughters when I mess up
When my daughters were little, I dealt with a period of undiagnosed postpartum depression. I was trying to navigate being a parent while maintaining my career, and I would take out my frustrations on the people around me. A handful of times, that emotional reaction over my frustrations would be directed at my daughters in ways that still bring up shame and guilt for me. But I learned how to ask for support when needed and got really good at apologizing.
Society positions parenting as a hierarchy where parents lean into the idea that "I'm the parent, I'm right, and I get to treat them in certain ways, and they just have to deal with it." But I ensure my daughters know it's OK to mess up, and everyone does; it's all about apologizing after and learning from our mistakes.
Since they were tiny, when I would have an emotional reaction, I would go back into their room and say something like, "Mommy didn't handle that in the best way. Can I try that again? I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. Or, that must have made you feel a certain way. Can we talk about it?"
I provide emotional support based on their personalities
My older daughter tends to need a lot more time and space to process her feelings when feeling frustrated. We might talk through what happened the next day rather than the day of.
While, my younger daughter has a similar emotional temperament to me — she's a feeler. When she feels frustrated, I allow her to really feel her feelings and express them, and then we can talk that same day.
One time, we were working on her math homework together. She was feeling frustrated, and I could feel myself getting frustrated, too. I paused and asked her, "What do you need?" She responded that she needed to cry. I said, "Great, go up to your room, punch a pillow, and cry." I could hear her tearing stuff apart. I gave her a minute, and when she came back down, we talked through her feelings and continued with her math homework.
Sometimes, they just need snacks
Snacks are an underestimated tool. Imagine what you feel when you're hungry. My children are hustling from class to class, and after I pick them up from school, there's a quick turnaround before they head to soccer practice.
If I sense an attitude from my daughters, instead of saying, "Excuse me, Miss Attitude," I just say, "OK, the first thing we're going to do is get a snack," rather than trying to control their temperament. There are so many little things that could be contributing to one of them having an attitude, but it's usually just that they're hungry.
Fostering emotional safety and prioritizing the multiple aspects of my identity has helped strengthen my relationship with my daughters, but every parent gets to decide what works for their family.