A millennial mom of 3 quit her job to help care for her boomer parents. She says she was unprepared to be in the 'sandwich generation.'

• Meagan Hency cares for her parents with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease — and three kids under 7.
• She quit her job and put her career on hold to look after both generations.

Six years ago, like many first-time parents, Meagan Hency found it challenging to adapt to the dual roles of new mom and full-time professional.

Still, with the support of her husband, Kyle, the software marketer at a FinTech startup felt on top of things at home and in the office.

Then, just a few months after she'd returned from maternity leave, her mom got sick. She developed dementia caused by Alzheimer's disease at the age of 64.

"It was really her executive function — not knowing what she was doing at certain times or remembering complex tasks," Hency told Business Insider, noting that her mom had tried to hide her deterioration from her family, "making it worse in some ways."

"It was a shock," she said of the diagnosis. Within two years, her father, then 68, was found to have Parkinson's disease.

Hency said that being a caregiver was 'all-encompassing'

Concern about her parents' health weighed deeply. At 39, Hency belonged to the so-called "sandwich generation," who are "sandwiched" between a parent over 65 and their own children.

She told Business Insider how she had to quit her job in 2022 to simultaneously care for her mom, dad, and three kids, now aged 3, 4, and 6.

"If you'd asked me eight years ago how my life would look now, I would have had no idea," Hency, who has power of attorney over her mother, said. "I didn't plan it this way."

She said that the change in circumstances — caring for her parents is "all-encompassing" — had caused mixed emotions.

"It was terribly hard to make the decision to leave work," she went on. "I still struggle with it because my career was a huge part of my identity."

Hency said that she began to grasp the enormity of the task after accompanying her mom to a new practitioner before her diagnosis.

"They asked for Mom's Social Security number, and she couldn't remember," she said. "Dad and I didn't know what it was either, so we were really struggling."

They weren't turned away. But, Hency said, she had to sort through disorganized paperwork at her parents' home in an effort to find the information.

"By the time Mom was sick, their finances were a mess," she said. "She always managed the bills, and they weren't getting paid. Dad had no idea which bank they held their mortgage with, which bills were auto-paid, or how much certain things cost"

The mom felt overwhelmed trying to juggle childcare, eldercare, and work at the same time

Equally time-consuming, she said, was keeping track of doctors' visits and health records, driving them to medical appointments, hiring qualified staff to care for them, and ultimately finding a suitable retirement community and nursing home.

"There was a daily feeling of being overwhelmed," Hency told BI. "You are being pulled in three very important directions — kids, parents, work — and it's hard to figure out what to prioritize."

She said that people who care for aging relatives rarely get the "sort of positive reinforcement" they get "as a parent to a child or when you achieve something professionally."

"They will often have the most urgent need which you address, but they're still getting sicker," she added."And there's nothing you can do about that."

As for society in general, she said that many countries, including the US, are in denial about the growing needs of their aging population.

"Life expectancy is going up, but people are living sick those extra years," she said. "Whether it's dementia or any other chronic disease, they just hit a point then they are unable to take care of themselves."

In July 2023, after talking with other members of the "sandwich generation," she drew on her own experience to launch a new business. Her consultancy, Chapter, helps adult children coordinate arrangements for their parents' final years.

She said that the process should inevitably begin sooner, not later. "It's an uncomfortable conversation, but it's important to get your parents to share their priorities while they can."

She said that she knows — "only too well' — that end-of-life planning is better done as a "collaborative" process.

"We were wholly unprepared," Hency said. "My goal is to get ahead of when people are sick."

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