8 signs your partner is gaslighting you

Manipulative language is another sign of gaslighting. “Gaslighting is very commonly found in those with narcissistic personality disorder,” relationship therapist Carolyn Cole, told Business Insider.

“It often occurs in abusive relationships, as it is a form of emotional abuse. For example, if you don’t do something they want you to do, they may say something like ‘Mhmm, you know, if you really loved me, you would do this for me,’” she said.

If the gaslighter is guilty of something, they may project it onto their partner instead.

“A common one is if they are cheating,” Cole said. “If so, they will continually accuse their partner of being unfaithful. Maybe the partner has to stay late at work and the gaslighter will say, in an aggressive tone, something like, ‘Sure, you had to stay late at work. Who were you with? Who is s/he?’”

In relationships, no one likes to be “wrong” during arguments and discussions, but gaslighters in particular cannot be wrong. Beatty Cohan, a nationally recognized psychotherapist and sex therapist and author of “For Better, for Worse, Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love,” weighed in. “Gaslighters always need to be right,” she told Business Insider. “There is no win/win resolution — they need to be the winner and you, the loser.”

Everyone has insecurities, but gaslighters know how to use them against you, and for their benefit.

“Gaslighters have the power — if we allow them — to make us feel invalidated and to make us feel WRONG,” Cohan said. “They prey on our vulnerabilities and insecurities, like low self-esteem.”

Second-guessing decisions is a part of life, but doing so excessively can be a result of a gaslighter prompting you to do so.

“A perfect example is a patient of mine who’d been dating an alcoholic — he was charming, witty, and very handsome,” Cohan said. “When she discovered that her anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications were gone, she suspected that he took them. But he reminded her of how depressed she was and that she probably couldn’t remember where she put her pills. She ended up finding them at the bottom of his sock drawer.”

While it’s nice if your partner is concerned about your mental health, someone who’s gaslighting you will be concerned at an extreme level — even if you think you’re fine.

“They may tell you they are worried about you, that you don’t seem to be remembering things accurately, and that they find it strange how you could not see the ‘truth’ the way they do,” Dr. Klapow said. “Additionally, they may suggest you get help for your ‘problem.’”

Ending a relationship with a gaslighter can be difficult, since they are such master manipulators.

“Listen to your intuition — if something feels off, it is,” Cole said. “In terms of leaving this relationship, you will probably be told things like, ‘No one is going to want to be with you,’ ‘You can’t make it without me,’ etc. But stay strong. Know that this is another gaslighting tactic, and that they are trying to make you feel bad so that you don’t leave.”

She added that the gaslighter probably treats you well in front of others, so it’s best to get support from a therapist for objective help, as well as to help you recover from the emotionally abusive relationship.