I've been writing about money for 15 years, and I can tell you too many couples talk about money all wrong

Courtesy of Ramit Sethi

Ramit Sethi.

• Ramit Sethi is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "I Will Teach You To Be Rich."
• When he asked his 143,000 Twitter followers what they would do if their partners earned more than they did, the response was overwhelmingly positive.
• However, those same people emailed him later, saying they actually out-earned their partners, and were full of resentment because of it.
• Sethi writes that focusing on who earns more and how isn't the point - the point is getting on the same page as your partner about the life you want to build, and how you're going to do it. 

The other day I asked on my Twitter "What would you do if your partner earned way more than you?"

Most people Tweeted back, saying, "OMG, that would be AMAZING! Our household income would go up - it's great!"

Here's where it got weird: Those same people emailed me 45 minutes later and confided in me that they earned more than their partner and hated it. They said things like:

• "I resent them."
• "They're not ambitious."
• "I feel like I'm mothering them."

WOW, what a turn of events - and of course, they would NEVER say these things publicly!

How would you feel if you earned $50,000 or $100,000 more than your partner? How do you think the dynamics of your conversations about finances with your partner will change?

Read More: I've been writing about money for 15 years, and it's perfectly clear to me why so many people don't feel like they're good with money

From a financial perspective, it seems simple: You can just contribute proportionally, but the answer is a lot more complicated than any of us could have thought. There are questions like "Who should buy groceries or pay for dinners out?" Or if one partner is used to a standard of living, the higher earner might be EXPECTED to spend more. Lots of complexities that is less straightforward in actual calculations.

I earn more than my partner.

This is something we've sat down and talked about. (By the way, one way to comfortably be able to bring up the topic of money with your partner is to ... ACTUALLY talk about it in a positive way.)

In our discussions, we talk about - as a TEAM - where do we want to go? What do we want to achieve?

And we each talk about our "non-negotiables." For example, I have a couple of things that are just really important to me:

1. I want to save and invest a specific proportion of our income.
2. When we travel, I like to stay at certain hotels - no matter the cost.

Aside from that I'm super flexible. Same with my wife: She likes to spend on certain things, and other things are not important to her.

Read More: 600 people told me what it felt like to splurge on a luxury, and I realized that whether they spent $50 or $5,000, they all said the same thing

So when we discuss, we never point fingers and say "Are you doing this?" or "Are you contributing that?"

Instead, we focus on what we want to achieve together. Maybe we want to travel a certain number of times per year. Maybe we also want to take our family with us when we do.

We lay out all the items we want, and when we do, the numbers shake out a bit. So my message to you is simple:

Don't start out with how much you earn. That's not the point.

The point is, what kind of Rich Life do you want to lead with your partner, and how can you use the money that you both have to support that?

I have tons more to say on this topic and other insider techniques on boosting your salary, making smarter investments, and earning more money at my "I Will Teach You To Be Rich" newsletter. Sign up to join 400,000+ readers.

Ramit Sethi is the author of the New York Times bestseller "I Will Teach You to Be Rich" and writes for more than 1 million readers on his websites, I Will Teach You to Be Rich. He's been featured on The Wall Street Journal, CNBC, The New York Times, and more. Sign up here to see why 400,000+ readers LOVE his personal finance advice.