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I've been married for 13 years - these are the 3 things I think everyone should know before they tie the knot
I've been married for 13 years - these are the 3 things I think everyone should know before they tie the knot
Steven JohnApr 23, 2018, 21:10 IST
Steven John
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Marriage gets easier the more effort you put into it - your partner will almost always respond in kind.
The way you relate to your spouse will change many times over the years of your marriage.
Marriage connects you not only to your partner, but to their life, their family, their work, and beyond; be ready for all of that to become part of your life, too.
My wife and I met when we were teenagers. When we got married, I was a few weeks away from my 23rd birthday, and she was 21. Which, now with some 13 years of hindsight, seems pretty crazy to me, especially when I meet the typical American person in their early 20s. But it worked!
Now in our mid 30s - and with two kids, two cars, a roof leak I need to repair, and the oven seeming like it needs replacement - I'd say she and I have this marriage thing down pretty well.
It's not always easy being married, even 15 years or so in. We're human beings, and human beings often don't make things easy for one another. (For the record, I'm primarily talking about myself here.)
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There's no magic formula for the perfect marriage, but I can offer you some words of wisdom that I wish someone had told me before I got married.
When you talk to your spouse, are you really hearing what he or she is saying? I don't mean the words alone; I mean the meaning behind them. Even many years into my relationship, I'm still at times reluctant to say certain things to my wife for fear of seeming needy or petty.
I might hope for a compliment on an outfit, for example, or want to vent about something I know is ultimately no big deal. Sometimes I'll fish for a compliment rather than asking directly how I look; other times I'll speak about something general ("Why would anyone ever park in front of a driveway?") instead of just asking her to ask her friend who is visiting not to park in front of our driveway.
My wife does this, too, and so do you, and so will your partner. At times, we all try to express things without saying them, but when you are in tune with your partner, you will pick up on the hints. And if you ever feel like you might be missing the point, ask directly. Once you ask someone about they were trying to address anyway, they will likely open right up.
2. You marry more than your husband/wife, you marry their life
I have one first cousin. My wife has 12. My cousin lives in a different state than we do. All but one of my wife's cousins live within an hour drive, and that's with heavy traffic.
When I married her, I married into a huge, close-knit family that was quite unlike my own small family. And I love them all, and it's all well and good now, but it took time to adjust to the dynamic. You must also be ready to share your spouse with their career, their friends, their hobbies, and more.
3. Learn how to argue and don't hide from disagreement
If I can avoid having an argument with someone, whether that person is an airline gate agent, a roofing contractor, or my own wife, I will do it. And for a number of years, I honestly thought that by avoiding arguments I was being a loving, stable partner.
What I finally realized (remember, we got married young!) was that sometimes I wasn't avoiding arguments; I was avoiding issues. If two people spend enough time together, there will be conflict, that's just a given.
The way you resolve your conflicts is up to you and your spouse, but hiding from the argument will not only leave the underlying issue unaddressed — and it can leave your partner feeling disrespected and even unloved.
