What being widowed at the age of 26 taught me about grief

• Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, licensed clinical social worker, mental strength coach, and international bestselling author.
• When she was 26 years old, Morin's husband of the same age passed away from a sudden heart attack.
• Despite being a therapist with an educational background in trauma and grieving, Morin says she learned more through her first-hand experience with loss than she ever could have in school.
• If you're struggling with the grieving process right now, Morin says to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you feel, and to not feel obligated to act happier or say you're better after a certain length of time.
• If you're struggling, call the SAMHSA National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.

"I'm sorry to tell you, but Lincoln passed away." I stared at the doctor and didn't say a word. I was too focused on thinking how I could rewind the clock by a couple of minutes so that what he said somehow wouldn't be true.

But it was true. My 26-year-old husband had just died of a heart attack.

Clearly, you aren't supposed to have a heart attack when you're that young. It didn't make sense.

And for the next few months, nothing really made any sense. I was a therapist and I knew about trauma, loss, and mourning. But an educational background in the stages of grief didn't provide any consolation to my broken heart.

The more I grieved, the more I realized that the textbook information about grief wasn't all that helpful. It was my first-hand experiences that taught me the biggest lessons about loss. Here's what being widowed taught me about grief.

We have no idea what to say to people who are grieving

Whether someone insisted, "You'll get remarried again someday," or said, "At least he didn't suffer," those types of statements didn't help.

But I never fault anyone who struggled with what to say to me when my husband died. Trying to find words that offer solace is tough.

I always felt bad when people struggled to find words to give. And I'd find myself acknowledging, "Sometimes, there just aren't any words for what you want to say. I get it."

We're uncomfortable sitting with people's pain

I didn't make good company for a long time. I didn't feel like talking sometimes. And you'd never know when I'd randomly start to cry. I might actually laugh at something for a minute and then cry because I was sad Lincoln wasn't there to laugh with me.

And while I was fortunate to have some friends and family members who were willing to be around me when my heart was shattered, I know my rollercoaster of emotions made a lot of people really uncomfortable.

They made jokes and tried to cheer me up. Or they talked about the future in a way that tried to convince me that something really good was just around the corner.

I get it. It's tough to just sit with someone who is in pain.

We put a timeline on how long you should feel bad

A lot of people said things like, "Don't make any big decisions for a year." That's sage advice. I wasn't in a mindset where I could make good decisions.

But, it also sort of sends a message that says, "You'll feel better in a year."

And there seems to be this notion that the more you love someone, the longer you'll grieve. It felt disloyal to smile, have fun or enjoy life again.

Even though I knew there was no timeline on healing, there was still a strange tension about "getting better." Almost as if feeling bad for too long meant I was somehow deficient since I couldn't pull myself out of it, but also the notion that feeling better too fast meant I didn't really love my husband that much.

How to manage grief

The way our society handles grief taught me about the pressures we place on people while they're mourning. And I learned a lot about what it's like to really move forward in life, even when you're hurting. Here's what can help you manage grief when you've lost a loved one:

• Find people who understand pain. Whether you join an online support group for people going through grief or you meet someone who has been through similar circumstances. Connecting with someone who understands your pain can help you feel better.
• Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you feel. Whether you feel anger, guilt, deep sadness, or a sense of relief (relief can be common when someone has suffered a long illness), whatever emotions you feel are OK. Give yourself permission to feel them as they'll come and go in waves. Don't waste your energy fighting them.
• Avoid unhealthy coping skills. It can be tempting to reach for just about anything that will numb your pain. But if you're not careful, you might start relying on coping skills that do more harm than good. Excessive eating, drinking, or drug use are just a few of the things that make things worse over the long haul.
• Reach for healthy coping skills. Whoever said time heals everything lied. Time heals nothing. It's what you do with your time that matters. So if you want to heal your heart, you have to find healthy ways to cope with really uncomfortable feelings. And while journaling might be healing to some, other people find solace in riding a motorcycle (at least, that's what worked for me). Experiment with strategies that allow you to feel a wide variety of emotions while also preventing you from staying stuck in a dark place.
• Push yourself, but not too hard. If you wait until you feel like exercising or until you feel like spending time with friends, you might never get there. Sometimes, you have to change your behavior first and the feelings will follow. So push yourself to do some things — even when you don't feel like it — and pay attention to how it impacts your emotional state. You might find pushing yourself a little helps you feel better.
• Recognize that grief is part of the healing process. It's tempting to try and rush through the grief like there's an end to it. But, grief is the process by which we heal. And there's no finish line to cross that establishes you're done grieving. You may grieve forever, but you'll grieve differently as you heal more.
• Seek professional help if you want to. Grief gets complicated sometimes. Sometimes it involves PTSD and at other times, it leads to clinical depression or anxiety disorders. If you're struggling to manage your grief in a healthy way, talk to a mental health professional.