International- My family sometimes thinks we're spoiling our children, but that doesn't change how I parent.
- Ever since I gave birth to my first daughter, I've been following my intuition.
I’m a mom of three girls aged seven and under, and I feel confident in the way my husband and I parent.
I’ve also had to listen to comments of disapproval from extended family members for years. People who are sure we are “spoiling” our kids.
I’ve heard, “She doesn’t need to eat again,” when I follow my baby’s cues for when she’d like to breastfeed. I’ve been warned, “You don’t want her to get used to that,” if I rock or hold a baby too much. There’s been scoffing when I sit patiently with an upset older child instead of telling them, “You’re fine,” or “That’s enough.”
And then there’s the incessant talk about how “good” our kids are when they’re being quiet, or immediately compliant to adult requests.
I don’t think I’m spoiling my children — I think I’m setting them up for long-term mental and emotional well-being. While I can never be completely sure of myself (who can be in parenting?), I have reasons for doing what I’m doing.
I listened to my intuition from the beginning
Despite the popularity of parenting content on social media, I didn’t come to my parenting philosophy through the internet. I remember when I was a brand-new mom, less than 10 years ago, looking at my baby. It felt clear as day that this was a whole person in front of me, worthy of dignity and respect.
A few months in, I found a book called “Elevating Childcare” at the library by a woman named Janet Lansbury, a well-known teacher of the RIE (or, Resources for Infant Educators) philosophy of childcare. This approach resonated deeply with me, but I didn’t attach my parenting identity to it or think much about the label of “respectful parent.” I was simply glad to see something that reflected my intuition about the sensitive care I wanted to provide my babies.
I learned the neuroscience behind nurturing my kids
Years later, I stumbled upon another book called “Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters” about the early years of childhood and how they impact us later in life. It said that treating young children with honor and sensitivity was more than a parenting style — that it was actually very important for healthy brain development.
I learned that the love and nurturing a child receives when very young sets a solid foundation for long-term mental and emotional health. I cried at the resonance and at the affirmation of the work I was doing with my kids, which very often felt invisible and unappreciated, and I’ve since learned more and more about how this works.
I considered my own mental health
Over the years, I’ve become aware of my own mental health issues, specifically anxiety, and as I mothered in this way, I began to connect the dots between my emotional health and my experiences growing up.
Despite my childhood looking great from the outside, the truth is that I did not receive the emotional attunement and relational care I needed. I’m determined to shift this for my kids.
I have grace for the way my family has judged my parenting
It's common in our culture to prioritize productivity over well-being. The way we prioritize these two things is reflected in how we parent — and how we judge how others parent.
The work of attuned parenting certainly doesn’t seem productive: it isn’t efficient, nor is it particularly tangible. Parents who are more focused on helping their children work through difficult situations than on delivering observable consequences are sometimes misunderstood.
This is especially true as children become toddlers and begin to require more behavioral guidance. I remember a situation where my mom was at our house, and my two older girls had a conflict that escalated to physical aggression. My middle child, who is often at fault in these things, was very upset, and my first action was to sit with her as she cried. My mom looked at me and said, “So you’re just gonna let her get away with that?”
I didn’t respond; I had parenting to do. When my daughter calmed down, I called in my older daughter, and we all talked about what happened. Both had done wrong, and I was able to mediate a conversation between the two of them. They both took ownership of their part in the issue and learned something that would help in their future interactions.
It would have been easy to deliver a quick, tangible consequence, like a lecture or a time-out. But I’m committed to providing them care that lets their feelings be felt and their perspectives be heard. Parenting in this way is not easily appreciated by the casual onlooker, but that day stands out as a moment where my mom was able to gain an understanding of how and why we do what we do.
I’m parenting on purpose, and I trust that’s enough
Over the years, the comments from family have lessened as they’ve seen us in action and considered the validity of our parenting style. However, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t sometimes worry that our expectations aren’t high enough. That we’re somehow coddling them more than is really good for them.
But then I consider my own experiences. And I read the neuroscience. And I listen to my intuition, like I did from the very beginning.
I might not be parenting perfectly, but I’m parenting on purpose. That’s all I can do, and I trust it will be enough.