- After their relationships ended due to pandemic stress, some moms say
parenting got much easier. - Without partners, they say, expectations are clearer and self-care is more attainable.
When the COVID-19 pandemic began, Chelsey Wiley never expected that her marriage to her high-school sweetheart would implode. But endless hours spent in quarantine made it clear the couple wasn't seeing eye to eye on parenting.
Wiley, the mother of a 7-year-old and 3-year-old twins, said she tries to parent from a place of emotional awareness. But it became clear that her then-husband operated from a top-down, "my house, my rules" mindset. As the summer of 2020 wore on, Wiley said the couple began to feel more like two lonely roommates than connected partners. By October 2020, they had "emotionally separated," and by the following fall, they were no longer sharing a home.
Before her separation, Wiley "was horrified about parenting alone," she said. Partnered for her entire adult life, she worried about single-handedly meeting the household demands of dirty dishes, meal preparation, laundry, and homework help.
But when she and her daughters moved into their own home, Wiley found that co-parenting with her ex was, in fact, easier. She could set clear rules and expectations, which resulted in fewer messes, more efficiently completed household tasks and, delightfully, more sleep.
"Every week is different, but the fact that I have this freedom is something married parents never seem to have," she said.
'I knew that it was time for us to go'
Hard data on how the pandemic has affected US
Marriages or relationships that may have already been struggling are crumbling at even faster rates, Robyn E. Brickel, a therapist in Alexandria, Virginia, told Insider. "Some couples are showing up for therapy and realizing that the work they are now engaging in is long overdue."
Household labor is often at the center of couples' conflicts. "The pandemic has either heightened the divide in the division of labor between partners, or it's forced them to redivide tasks to cope with the constant changes," said Ann N. Turner, a therapist in Washington, DC. "Mothers are particularly exhausted, because they tend to do the lion's share anyway and the pandemic has just made it worse."
Before the pandemic, Sarah Elwood was accustomed to the logistical and relational gymnastics of co-parenting. When she and her former partner divorced several years earlier, they'd agreed to put the interests and comfort of their two daughters, 5 and 3, first.
But after months in lockdown, her relationship with her second partner, the father of her 2-year-old son, began to deteriorate. Sarah noticed that his relationship with their son was markedly different than with her daughters from her previous relationship, and she could see the toll on her children's well-being.
"I knew that it was time for us to go, because the environment just wasn't healthy with us all together anymore," said Elwood, who lives in Mercersburg, Pennsylvania. "We had tried to make it work, but it just wasn't."
Elwood now has two co-parenting relationships with former partners to navigate, yet things feel much easier, she told Insider. Gone are the days of scorekeeping on who did which household task and the accompanying resentment. When she recently had to undergo a COVID-19 quarantine, her daughters' father dropped off groceries for her, while her son's father took over full-time care of their son and brought by a plate of cookies.
As the child of a "very nasty divorce" between her own parents, Elwood said she feels lucky to be modeling respectful adult relationships for her kids.
"Because we're not in a relationship anymore, we each have the freedom to say no," Elwood explained. "When we do say yes, it's genuine generosity."
The newfound freedom of single parenting can cause guilt for some moms
For some moms, the newfound freedom has been so profound that it's creating its own unique flavor of guilt. Co-parenting essentially provides them with planned breaks from their children, which can feel like a mothering "cheat" that their still-partnered peers don't get.
"I love not having to 'ask permission' to do something, and I feel sorry for those people that do, while at the same time feeling totally elitist I don't have to confirm with some second party before I make plans," Wiley said.
In her conversations with still-partnered parents, "I felt a lot of guilt," Elwood said. "I felt like it was wrong of me to express when I was having a hard time, because I did get a break."
Moms who are relishing their time off from parenting should try not to feel guilty, Turner said. After all, "the flip side is when you do have your kids, it's just you, and you don't have the other parent as a backup for rides, dealing with sick kids, etc."
Turner encourages clients to use time away from their kids "to recharge and do things for their physical and mental health, so that they'll be a better parent for their kids when they get them back."
Elwood said she's tried to embrace that approach, focusing her alone time on doing things she loves, like reading, watching TV, and going on dates. "I'm more accepting that everyone has different difficulties," she said. "My struggle wasn't any less valid."
Not all mothers struggle with guilt. Becka Roversi, who lives in Wakefield, West Yorkshire, England, separated from her now-former husband at the start of lockdown. She says the experience has reignited her spark with someone else — herself.
"I definitely feel like I've gained 'Becka' back, because I have the time to just be me and not 'Mummy' 24/7," said Roversi, who has Sundays through Tuesdays off from parenting. "I wouldn't say I feel guilty for that, as the five days I have the kids are solely on me, and it's exhausting. I appreciate the downtime, and it makes me a better parent when they are around."
Co-parenting isn't always easy, but it can be worth the trade-offs
Even though co-parenting can offer parents a breather during their "off time," all three mothers interviewed by Insider agreed that the arrangement is far from perfect. Even in an amicable co-parenting situation, there's a hefty price for part-time freedom, from fielding extensive one-on-one homework attention to lengthy pre-bedtime routines.
There's also the undeniable financial impact of breaking one household into two. "Money was a huge worry for me, and I totally can understand why many women stay with their husbands because of that factor," Roversi said. "However, I find that, whilst I have less money, I'm in charge of it solely, so I can manage it."
On balance, Wiley said, she wouldn't trade her divorced parenting life for the world. She said she's never felt more in touch with her approach to motherhood, or to herself.
"I raise emotional girls, from a place of emotion," Wiley said. "Being able to do that without compromise makes our relationships better."