- Melissa Rogers is a matchmaker at Three Day Rule.
- She's helped hundreds of matchmaking clients, including many single parents.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with matchmaking Melissa Rogers. It has been edited for length and clarity.
As a matchmaker, I've helped hundreds of clients and had 10 engagements. There's no direct path to becoming a matchmaker, but I studied psychology and knew I wanted to work with people intimately. This comes in handy when up against things like matchmaking clients insisting a date be over a certain height, and I'm able to talk people out of pigeonholing themselves.
There are a lot of pros to dating single parents, and I know because I am one.
Single parents can be more understanding of situations and most easily roll with the punches because they've seen it all. They know how to pick their battles. Many single parents have also done a lot of personal development, like therapy, which I think is a huge bonus to a relationship. And perhaps most importantly, single parents can measure success the right way: the goal is not another marriage, but rather whether you want to go on another date.
However, I do still see some making dating mistakes. Here are some of the most common ones.
Not having the right mindset
Single parents need to confidently say where they're at and admit to themselves — and their dates — their status as a parent. If you're not able to confidently tell a date you're a parent, you're probably pursuing the wrong type of relationship. Transparency is the pillar of success.
It's crucial to make your date feel important, too, to show you're willing to make time for them. The date is the main character in their own story as much as you are. It's not productive to have a mindset where you cross someone off the list because they're not willing to adhere to your family's schedule or rules. There has to be a push and pull.
Sending up red flags on dating profiles
It's a red flag when I see profile pictures with kids' faces showing. I think it's important to show off that you're a parent and to be excited about your kids, but I always question someone's judgment if the kids' faces aren't covered. Additionally, they're your kids, but they're also a co-parent's kids. That needs to be respected.
I also pause when people say things like "my kids are my life" in a dating profile. My kids are the biggest part of my life, but they're not my whole life. Blanket statements like this minimize the other parts of a person.
The goal of a dating app or website is to attract someone with very limited information. You need to mention them, but it's important to also share interests and passions outside your kids. You can love attending your kids' soccer games and still want to be seen as a romantic prospect.
Killing the vibe on the date
Parents easily connect over kids, but talking about kids exclusively can kill the romance. A date must know that they exist. Get that out of the way and then ask questions that can help you decide if this is someone you want to spend more time with.
Ask questions so you can surmise their character and lifestyle, and leave the kid talk until it's established that you have other things in common. Being a parent can't be the sole litmus test for a good date.
Being non-committal and blaming it on your kids
Of course, kid things pop up after you have made a plan, but there is no room in a single parent's life to have bad or delayed communication when the opportunities to go out might be slim.
The most valuable thing in a relationship is communication, and that is especially important for single parents who have a lot of moving parts. Be clear about your schedule and childcare situation, but also note where there is wiggle room so that you don't miss opportunities.
Discounting non-parents
A lot of parents say they only want to date other parents because a non-parent wouldn't understand. Single parents need to be more flexible with the idea that not everyone will have the same life experience as them. It will open up more possibilities. We wouldn't ask that of any other life experience.
If I was a nurse, I wouldn't say I only wanted to date other nurses. If we date in an echo chamber it can become boring quickly, so I think it's important to be open to everyone and come from a place of curiosity first. It would be shortsighted to limit yourself in any regard.