I'm a parent and ex-teacher. Teaching taught me how to do gentle parenting effectively — and why most people do it wrong.

• More parents are employing the method of gentle parenting, but many misunderstand it.
• It doesn't mean you allow your child to do whatever they want and never discipline them.

Gentle parenting is a clear trend, perhaps especially among millennial and Gen Z parents. It stems from a deep desire to respect children and their emotions with the hope it will have positive long-term effects on their mental health. As a mother and a former teacher, one thing I've noticed as this type of parenting has taken hold is that there's a big misconception about it.

The misconception, held by both gentle parents themselves and critics of it, is this: that there's little to no discipline involved and that, instead, it's all about staying calm and generally accepting whatever the child is choosing to do.

I've seen this misunderstood version of "gentle parenting" in action many times. One that stands out was when my family attended a holiday event a couple was hosting. We were gathered in a circle as the mother began with a reading. The couple's toddler, instead of sitting in his chair, started running around inside the circle and being generally wild. The father was standing toward the back of the room, watching his wife attempt to both lead the activity and intermittently ask the child — calmly, of course — to stop.

But he didn't stop, and that was that. Everyone in attendance seemed both confused and annoyed as they tried to pay attention while the toddler continued his disruptive antics. I was annoyed as well, though I could also clearly see the good intentions of the parents.

This was not a time or place for this kind of behavior from a two-year-old, however normal it was for his age. The father could have easily helped the child to take his seat, and if he still wouldn't sit still, could kindly have removed him from the room rather than accepting him not listening.

Nuanced parenting is parenting between extremes

This conception of gentle parenting isn't working — for parents or for anyone else. But it's no surprise that it exists.

I recently watched an Instagram reel naming the various "options" modern parents feel overwhelmed by. At one point, it said, "You should discipline / you should do gentle parenting."

This captures it. We seem to hold two possibilities in our minds when it comes to raising and being in charge of children: either a version that's authoritarian, where adults speak firmly and children immediately fall in line, and one that's the complete opposite, where kids do whatever they want and we're nice to them and hope for the best.

Whether we're talking about parenting or any other topic, it's easy to see something as this or that, and swing from one extreme to the other. It's much more difficult to find a nuanced middle ground.

Teaching taught me to find the nuance

My experiences in the classroom have helped me parent in this "middle ground" type of way. Good teachers are kind and respectful with children, and they also hold them to behavior expectations. It's an art, to be sure, but it's absolutely possible.

Here are a few things I learned from teaching that I've applied as a parent who believes in gentle parenting.

Make expectations explicit

Every excellent teacher knows the importance of setting expectations about behavior upfront, even with small things, like, "This is how I want you to turn in your papers." It isn't fair to expect something of someone else — a child or otherwise — unless you've communicated said expectations.

This is a crucial part of effective discipline, the conveying (and modeling and practicing) of appropriate behavior, and one that often is missed. We can't just expect kids to know what we want to see from them — we need to know exactly what we want and then clearly let them know that.

Every errant behavior doesn't need a punishment — but it should be addressed

Regarding misbehavior, there is a vast space between doing nothing and delivering a harsh punishment. When kids don't measure up, we do need to let them know, but it also doesn't need to be a big deal. This is often a simple conversation that reinforces the expectation. Saying something like, "Oh, remember, you need to _____," works well. Telling them the "why" of the expectations helps, too.

In teaching, if expectations have been made clear and have been reinforced, that's often enough for most kids. In parenting, not so much. But again — that doesn't mean we need to be harsh; it just means we need to move on to an intervention of some kind.

For very young children, this often looks like calm but confident physical intervention, like holding their body (if they're hitting, for example) or removing them from a situation. For older ones, logical consequences work best. Parents have to use their best judgment in the moment, but overall, follow-through of some kind is necessary if you've set expectations.

A strong relationship is the most important foundation

The meaning of the word "discipline" is close to "teach." Establishing a warm, genuine relationship is the foundation of good teaching, and therefore, of good parenting. It's our connections with children that give us the power to influence, teach, and yes, to discipline them.

Good relationships don't, however, ensure that there won't be any unpleasant moments. A strong relationship with a child means valuing them for who they are, not for their behavior. Out of that place, we can discipline effectively, which will sometimes mean having uncomfortable interactions. However, good relationships can withstand the tension and conflict that occurs when children don't meet expectations, because there's a bedrock of trust and unconditional love.

The point is, it doesn't have to be either "gentle parenting or discipline," because proper gentle parenting includes discipline and holding children to a certain standard of behavior in a kind, respectful manner.

It's harder than either of the two extremes, for sure, but it's possible. As you learn to do it, you'll not only be giving a gift to your children, you'll be helping onlookers understand a third way.