I'm a dad to 6 kids. I allow them to talk openly about sex and drugs, but I still have boundaries.
- Adam Feuerstein has six kids ranging in age from 15 to 25.
- He has a policy of putting everything on the table all the time.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Adam Feuerstein, founder of Total Sum Game. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Sometimes, I'll be in the car with my daughters, who range in age from 15 to 22, and they'll start talking about boys and sex. Pretty soon, they're having a conversation that makes me want to cover my ears as a dad.
I have to remind myself that I've worked hard to help them be so open and honest, and the payoff — the fact that they trust me — is well worth my occasional discomfort.
It's not just talking about sex. My youngest curses like a sailor who's had too much whiskey. Both my sons, who are now in their early 20s, struggled with smoking too much pot.
These are common challenges that happen in many houses. The difference is that in my house, we talk openly about it because I'm determined not to censor the kids.
I tried to be open with my own parents, but they weren't receptive
I've always had a consciousness and a desire for honesty. When I lost my virginity in high school, I told my parents about it. They seemed flustered and took away my car keys for a week. It wasn't the connection I was hoping for, and it didn't even make sense because I needed my car to get to school and work.
With my own kids, I was determined to make space for those honest conversations. My wife Michelle and I have a blended family, and when we moved in together we told the six kids that we had a policy of "everything on the table, all the time."
This isn't just about taboo topics like sex or drugs. It's also about mundane disagreements. We don't allow the kids to complain about one another unless the person they're talking about is in the room. That way, we can find a solution that works for everyone.
I still have boundaries with the kids
Even though I don't sensor the kids, we still have boundaries. It's not anarchy. For example, my kids still have a curfew. If they're going on a date, they have to be home by 10. What they do until then isn't within my power, so I don't worry about it.
My wife is sober, and I don't drink out of respect for her sobriety. When one of our sons repeatedly brought alcohol into the home, we had to enforce a strong boundary. We gave him 30 days to move out. He was in his early 20s, and ultimately, that nudge was just what he needed to get a high-paying job and boost his independence.
Having hard conversations with our kids builds trust
Recently one of my daughters was infatuated with a boy who I just had a bad feeling about. I knew I couldn't tell her not to date him — that would just make him more interesting. Instead, I spoke to her about my concerns and discussed what behaviors from him could be problematic.
She still dated him, but when the red flags popped up, she was able to recognize them immediately. After a few dates, I didn't hear about him again. Being able to talk about my concerns helped me trust her and know she would make a good decision. That's worth listening to occasional curse words.