If gentle parenting doesn't work for you, try structured parenting instead. As a mom and educator, I think it's better for kids and parents.

• Pam Allyn is an educator and parenting researcher.
• She says gentle parenting has become too prescriptive and unrealistic.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Pam Allyn, founder of Dewey, which creates educational learning tools for parents and educators. It has been edited for length and clarity.

Gentle parenting — which I define as an approach that centers kids' social-emotional needs — started off with the best of intentions, I believe. Anything that tells parents to pause and slow down is great.

But lately, I've seen gentle parenting become co-opted by social media. Online, there's a ton of pressure to be a gentle parent — one who never yells or forces their kids to do things, instead opting to have long conversations about how kids are feeling and offering tons of choices.

The problem is that's entirely unrealistic for many parents. For starters, not all kids like to communicate verbally or can articulate their thoughts and needs. And parents need to get things done. They don't always have time for conversations. Like kids, they sometimes prefer non-verbal communication. Because of that, gentle parenting has become very stressful to many parents, who then just blame themselves for that approach's failure.

Structured parenting provides expectations and empathy

In short, I see lots of parents trying to fit themselves into the story they've been told about gentle parenting. I think a lot of them would be better served by another parenting approach, one that educators love: structured parenting.

Structured parenting makes life predictable for kids and parents. It feels good for kids to know what's coming next and where the boundaries are. We all thrive on routine, and structured parenting provides that.

While it's different from so-called gentle parenting, structured parenting is still gentle, kind, and individualized. It allows for lots of autonomy and empathy within the structure that parents create.

Create a structure around eating, reading, and play

Lots of parents probably already have certain routines in place, whether they're for getting out the door in the morning or unwinding before bed. Structured parenting takes those a step further, creating times to connect as a family. Connection times are built around eating, reading, and play — three activities that can bond your whole family.

First, consider meal time. I watch my 2-year-old grandson frequently, so I know how quickly meals can devolve into chaos. Older kids with sports and extracurriculars just intensify that.

So, make a commitment to eat a meal as a family every day. It doesn't have to be dinner. Even if you can take eight minutes to eat breakfast together, you're creating structure and connection. During those few minutes, ask open-ended questions like "What are you wondering about today?" or "What surprised you today?"

The key is to create a sense of intentionally gathering together, a structure that your kids can count on daily.

Shared reading time can set the tone for family time

Next comes reading. You may already read out loud with your kids before bed, but really double down on that. Reading is a way to connect with kids of all ages. If you pull out the simplest, most classic book like "Goodnight Moon," I bet you'll notice even your older children get drawn in.

I love moving the reading part of the day to mornings. On Saturdays, try implementing a read-aloud session. That structure can help set the tone for your weekend as a family. Even on a school day, you could read a five-minute book together.

The final tenant is play. Play shouldn't be relegated to the youngest child in the family. Instead, play together and notice the storylines and structures that your children create. That should tell you more about what's on their minds than any gentle parenting conversation.

Structured parenting means moms and dads don't lose themselves

Parents are more self-critical these days than they ever have been. Adhering to a model like gentle parenting can make that worse. If your day isn't full of conversations or choices for your kids, you may worry you're not being gentle enough.

Many parents feel they lose themselves along the way. Structured parenting lets you deliver love and empathy, not only to your children but to yourself. You're a unique, precious person and your child's biggest advocate.

But it's OK — healthy even — for you to have needs, too. Structured parenting gives you a tool to create a family dynamic that reflects your family's needs and prioritizes everyone's socio-emotional well-being.