I wanted my boomer parents and in-laws to respect my parenting choices, so I set boundaries with them. Other millennials should do the same thing.
- Paige Connell says she's struggled with her boomer relatives' differing views on raising kids.
- The 33-year-old described establishing firm boundaries about parenting.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Paige Connell. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My boomer parents were pretty strict when I was growing up.
I knew that if I did certain things I was going to get yelled at and told to go to my room. I remember wishing I could play outside with the other kids. I didn't learn anything from the punishment.
A couple of decades later, there were a few things Mom and Dad did that were at odds with the way my husband, Matt, 34, and I wanted to raise our kids.
It was particularly challenging with our son, now 6. He has ADHD and would have big tantrums and say unkind words sometimes. "Don't accept that behavior," my parents told us. "You need to be more strict, and you just need to yell at him."
It wasn't in tune with the way Matt and I felt. "You're not trying to make him better," we said. "You're just trying to make him comply."
I often have to explain my parenting style to members of older generations
They couldn't really figure out why our son was experiencing those emotions. It's an example of the differences between the generations. Kids weren't diagnosed with ADHD in the '90s when I was growing up. They didn't go to therapy. But parents have those resources these days, and we're going to use them.
It's important to get older people to acknowledge this. My parents ended up embracing our views. But you often have to explain to people of their generation why you're raising your kids your own way.
You have to establish rules. You're the parent.
My biggest issue is kids being expected to hug their relatives; it presents a lack of respect for their boundaries. People often take it as a personal offense when you tell them, "Please don't kiss my kids if they don't want you to kiss them."
When I was a child, you hugged your grandmother. "Give them a hug and say goodbye," we were told. It's not helping kids stand up for themselves. It's good practice to ask your relatives to observe a kid's autonomy over their body.
My son really hates to be touched. He doesn't want hugs. Matt and I have had to have that conversation with each of our parents. "He doesn't have to do it if he doesn't want to," we said. Now, instead of hugging him, Mom will tap elbows with him. It's their thing.