- Denaye Barahona is a parent and child therapist.
- She hired an au pair for the first time when her kids were 2 and 4 years old.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Denaye Barahona. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Finding the perfect au pair is a lot like online dating. At least, that's what I thought when I was a stay-at-home mom trying to fit in part-time work while caring for a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old.
After my family of four moved from Texas to New York and I signed my first book deal, I realized I would need full-time help. So, my husband and I turned to the internet for help — the parental version of rolling the dice. We scrolled through profiles, pictures, and videos of potential au pairs, carefully considering how each person would fit within our family. We didn't really know what we were doing, and during the few video interviews we conducted, we didn't really know what to ask.
In the end — as two people new to the au pair matching process — we simply went with our gut.
I didn't have to teach our au pair how to care for my children
Luckily, we struck out — our family's first au pair ended up being amazing. What was the most surprising to me, especially when having someone live with us, is that I really didn't have to teach our au pair how to care for our children.
This was the first time my children ever had a consistent caregiver other than me and my husband, yet she just learned through watching me and adapted. She would talk to my children like I did and manage them the way I did, so her joining our family was a seamless, immersive experience.
She became an extension of us, rather than a nanny coming into our own with her own approach and her own style.
At the same time, it was great for my kids to gain another perspective and be cared for by another set of hands — someone who does things similarly to their parents but still does them a little differently.
She taught my children different traditions and gave them a different perspective, and for that, I will forever be grateful.
It allowed for unplanned time alone with my husband
And unlike other childcare options, having an au pair allowed me small but meaningful moments with my husband. Instead of putting our children to bed, we could go for a quick walk — just us. If my husband had to run out to Target, I could join him. These impromptu moments were practically impossible because, as many parents know, when you have young children, your days are carefully planned.
With an au pair at home, we could enjoy the unplanned moments, too.
Mostly, it was a relief to know that my children were well aware that there are other people than their parents who care for them and can capably take care of them. That, in the end, they're never, ever alone, and there will always be someone else to help.
Saying goodbye was hard, but we are still in touch
That's not to say that having an au pair — like any other parenting decision — doesn't have its downside. Saying goodbye, for one, can be heartbreakingly difficult. Thankfully, over time, I have realized that it's not a forever goodbye — that we can still see each other and still talk to each other and have a relationship.
Also, you don't always get as lucky as my family did on the first try — or the second, or the third. After our first au pair left us after a year, we brought in another, and I didn't think to ask about driving. On her first day, she wrecked our car with my children in the backseat. After that experience, I became more acutely aware of how to screen au pairs and what kind of questions to ask, especially when it came to driving.
I think social media has also changed the program, and many au pair agencies are portraying the experience as more of a "travel abroad" opportunity than a job in full-time childcare. As a result, I think many young men and women become au pairs wearing rose-colored glasses when it comes to what they believe they'll actually be doing. In other words, they don't necessarily come prepared to be full-time caregivers, and that is an issue.
So, it can be a process — sometimes a scary one — to say the least. Again, kind of like online dating. Still, for me and my family, the pros vastly outweigh the cons and I am forever grateful for the opportunity to have an au pair care for my children. I'm especially grateful for the relationships this childcare choice has given me and my family — relationships I'll have for the rest of my life.
Our first au pair is getting married this year, and our family is flying out for her wedding. We're going to attend a Taylor Swift concert with her in Warsaw, Poland. She has visited my family multiple times. We talk regularly. We're very connected.
I brought someone into my home to care for my children and, in doing so, gained a daughter.