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I missed my child-free life after having my baby, even though I love her. It took time to adjust to this new version of my life.

Jan 27, 2024, 19:09 IST
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Ayla Roberts (not pictured) says she misses her child-free life after having her first child.Getty Images
  • My husband and I desperately wanted a child and tried for a while to conceive.
  • However, when I had my daughter, I realized that I missed my child-free life.
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"Babies are such a gift."

I had heard this phrase a million times while I was pregnant, but as I sat holding my screaming newborn, my body was flooded with so many negative emotions that seeing her as a "gift" was nearly impossible at the time.

My husband and I had a hard time conceiving

In 2020, my husband and I decided to try for a baby. I had always assumed that I would get pregnant quickly because that's what society had conditioned me to believe.

But the first month passed. And the next. And the next. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. I felt so defeated. Before long, having a baby became my obsession. I was constantly tracking, logging, and Googling symptoms, to no avail.

After one year of trying to conceive, we visited a fertility specialist. She found nothing medically wrong with either of us, which made my disappointment even more painful and frustrating. I wanted answers.

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We decided to try intrauterine insemination (IUI) using my husband's sperm, and amazingly, I got pregnant after the first round. I had a wonderful, easy pregnancy, and I was so excited to become a mom. In September 2022, my daughter was born.

I had a hard time after my daughter was born

Even as a former pediatric nurse, I felt completely unprepared for the realities of motherhood. Postpartum depression hit me hard, and I cried nearly every day for the first few weeks. And while it's embarrassing to admit, I started to resent my baby. I couldn't stop thinking about how she was the reason my life was so different, the reason I could no longer do what I wanted, whenever I wanted.

My brain was overcome with negativity and sadness. This was not the new life I had imagined. This did not feel magical or blessed like I was led to believe.

Ayla Roberts says she had a hard time adjusting to life as a new mom.Courtesy of the author

I love my daughter, I just miss who I was before

Before having our daughter, my husband and I used to go out every weekend. Usually just for dinner and drinks, but it was a ritual that I had grown very fond of. The reality of no longer being able to do whatever I wanted was very hard on me.

In addition to missing my previous rituals, my new routine was hard to get used to. Going anywhere with her felt like such a chore, reliant on consistent planning around her schedule. And even when it was timed perfectly, there were so many unknowns every time I went out with her. I missed the ease and simplicity of my child-free life. But I felt so guilty for missing it.

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Obviously, my daughter was very wanted. I tried so long to have her, even sought medical intervention to conceive her…and there I was, feeling almost regretful. I felt like such a failure, but more than anything, I felt like a terrible mother.

In hindsight, I truly believe that waiting until I was almost 30 to try to have a baby is one of the biggest reasons I struggled to adjust to life with a child. I had so many child-free years that I had grown deeply accustomed to that lifestyle.

It took some time to adjust

Eventually, I adjusted, but it took a lot for me to overcome the guilt. In many ways, I had to overcome the narrative that was running rampant in my head about who I was "supposed" to be as a mom and what my life was "supposed" to look like.

Yes, I still miss my old life, but I am less resentful and more contemplative as I think back on my life before my daughter. It was fun. It was carefree. And it's completely OK to miss it and to sometimes long to have it back.

But I love my daughter deeply. She makes me smile every day, and I feel very lucky to have her when so many people do not get the chance. She is a gift, I am still me, and this is still my life — just a different version.

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