High surrogacy costs and insurance denials for IVF treatment have forced gay couples to crowdfund to have kids

• Insider spoke to several same-sex couples who are using GoFundMe to help them afford surrogacy.
• Heteronormative definitions of infertility mean gay couples are often excluded from IVF under health coverage.

Seven months ago, Noah and Tyler Tyner-Dernulc started a GoFundMe. So far it has raised just $190 — a small dent in the $140,750 they need to scrape together to have biological children.

If they were a straight couple it wouldn't be this expensive, or this complicated, but with their health insurance provider offering no help, they are left with few other options.

The fact that Tyler is serving in the US Army makes the lack of help from TRICARE — an insurance-like benefit plan used for military members and their families — an even harder pill to swallow.

"You'd think it's the least they could do," Noah told Insider.

While some US health insurance plans provide limited coverage for infertility treatments to heterosexual couples in the US, coverage for same-sex couples is much harder to come by.

"Many insurance policies define infertility as the inability to conceive after a certain period of unprotected sexual intercourse," Betsy Campbell, Chief Engagement Officer at Resolve: The National Infertility Association, told Insider.

"By this definition, coverage for the diagnosis and treatment of infertility is limited to heterosexual couples," she said, adding: "In other words, these policies discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community and create an unfair financial burden on gay and lesbian couples."

'It's a gut punch kind of thing'

Noah Tyner-Dernulc, 25, told Insider that the couple was left disappointed after being told by a TRICARE employee that they would be denied coverage for any assisted reproductive services.

Instead, they were told they would need to pay for all blood tests, semen analysis, and other medical tests they would need to do in order to go ahead with IVF, he said. This would set them back $10,000, a fraction of the total cost, but an additional financial hurdle that straight couples with infertility issues would not have had to factor in.

TRICARE's website says it may cover some types of assisted reproductive services, but only if it is "medically necessary" and combined with "coital conception."

These definitions, which appear to reference heterosexual sex, automatically exclude same-sex male couples, who cannot reproduce naturally and therefore aren't considered to be medically infertile, Noah said.

"It's a gut punch kind of thing," he added. "It just makes you feel defeated."

TRICARE did not respond to several of Insider's requests for comment.

'It's going to take years'

The Tyner-Dernulc's experience has left them feeling frustrated with the system, and they are not alone.

Faced with limited assistance from insurers, many gay couples have turned to crowdfunding platforms as a means to lessen the financial burden of becoming parents, albeit with limited success.

Tom Khazanov, a 28-year-old Ph.D. student at Cornell University, and his husband have so far raised just $1,400 of their stated $50,000 goal.

To cover the estimated costs of surrogacy, ranging from $150,000 to $200,000, they plan to combine the funds raised with loans and any money they are able to save.

"It's going to take years," he told Insider, adding that he tries not to dwell on it too much because it is so upsetting.

Khazanov has shared the GoFundMe on his Instagram account, and has asked friends to contribute for birthdays and other special occasions.

"I would say for the number of followers that I have on my Instagram page, it's been pretty good," he added.

'Building our family is what's going to bankrupt us'

Philip Dobaj, a 30-year-old cybersecurity engineer, and Steve Dobaj, a 38-year-old who works in human resources for a major sportswear brand, are trying to use their wedding to reach their goal of having a child.

The couple has made a heartfelt plea to guests; instead of traditional gifts, they want contributions toward the future of their family. But so far, two months into the campaign, the couple has raised only $100.

Crowdfunding is a "last resort" to achieving their dream of having a baby, Philip said, adding that they've exhausted all other financial possibilities.

Their insurance won't cover any of the surrogacy process or any aspect of IVF, they said, leaving them with an overwhelming out-of-pocket expense that could reach up to $250,000.

Steve Dobaj said that even if they were to empty their savings, they could realistically only cover about 10-15% of the total cost. They've even considered draining their retirement accounts.

They also fear that depleting their savings would be doing a disservice to a child by "zeroing out our finances" before they are even born.

"Building our family is what's going to bankrupt us, or at least it's going to feel like it's going to bankrupt us," Philip said.

One last lifeline on offer

Joseph Alcantara, who works in marketing, and his husband Ryan Rebeca, a nurse, said they are working tirelessly to make their dream of a child a reality, without falling into financial ruin.

They said their health insurance provider also denied them any coverage for IVF procedures, citing a lack of an infertility diagnosis.

While the costs of surrogacy procedures have skyrocketed to an estimated $285,000, their GoFundMe has raised only $855.

The couple has also scoured financial institutions for loans with affordable interest rates, while clinging to hope that a "miracle" will somehow help them reach their crowdfunding target, Alcantara said.

But the outlook is bleak. "We can't simply flip out $285,000," he said. "The only other way we could do that would be winning the lottery."

Despite the financial challenges, the couple said they have been "blessed" with an opportunity that could help them bridge the gap.

Men Having Babies, a non-profit dedicated to assisting gay intended parents, accepted Alcantara and Rebeca onto Gay Parenting Assistance Program Stage I.

Through this, the couple will benefit from substantial discounts ranging from 15% to 50% on vital services such as IVF, surrogacy, egg donation, and legal assistance.

Ron Poole-Dayan, the executive director of the non-profit, describes the program as a life-changing "booster" that serves to dismantle the financial barriers that often hinder gay couples from pursuing parenthood.

The organization accepts more than 300 people every year, with a select number of low-income couples and individuals qualifying for the more generous Stage II program, which matches them with free services and direct assistance grants.

It's targeted at prospective parents who would "never" otherwise become parents without financial support, Poole-Dayan said, adding that more than 70 babies have been born thanks to Stage II funding.

The inspiration behind Men Having Babies stems from Ron Poole-Dayan's own journey, during which he said he and his husband were "screwed" by insurance providers and rejected by several infertility charities.

"We were not considered infertile by the insurance industry, by our employers, by society," he said during an interview with Insider.

Poole-Dayan is now advocating for a new definition of infertility to be added: "social infertility."

This redefined concept aims to recognize the unique challenges faced by cisgendered and male same-sex couples, with the aim of putting them on par with medically infertile straight couples.

The legal fight to cover the costs of IVF for gay couples

The fight to redefine infertility is at the core of why Corey Briskin and Nicholas Maggipinto, both attorneys, decided to take action against the City of New York by filing a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

After their marriage in 2016, Briskin became an assistant district attorney.

But as they began exploring the possibility of starting a family, Briskin discovered that the city's health plan offered certain benefits related to IVF, including laboratory tests and procedures, as well as up to three cycles of IVF, but only for couples classified as infertile.

The couple argues that the language in their policy makes it impossible for them to ever be deemed infertile, and therefore blocks them from receiving IVF coverage, which they say is ultimately discriminatory.

The City of New York did not respond to Insider's request for comment.

Their legal representative, civil rights attorney Peter Romer-Friedman, told Insider: "Corey and Nicholas are similarly situated to people who need these same services, but they're being denied it because of their sex and their sexual orientation."

The lack of coverage means that, for now, Briskin and Maggipinto are paying for IVF entirely out of pocket, and also had to pass on an egg donor they loved because her low egg yield would likely have required multiple cycles of IVF.

"That was a very difficult decision and it was a purely financial one," Briskin said.

Ignoring the backlash

For Noah Tyner-Dernulc, the overwhelming longing to have a child surpasses everything else, including the potential for abuse on social media due to the GoFundMe campaign, and possible judgment from more socially conservative military couples.

Still "it's hard to necessarily describe the feeling of not being able to naturally have your kids easily," he said, adding that if others were able to go through this process, same sex or otherwise, they would understand the mental toll it can take. And "I think things would change," he said.

Despite this, the couple is laser-focused on achieving their dream, even if that means counting each and every dollar of donation.

In Noah's words, "When we hold our kid for the first time, nothing that anybody has said about how we got to that point will matter."