- As a parent, it hurts me to know that my kids are mean to each other.
- Age difference can contribute to siblings not getting along.
From the days of Cain and Abel, it's been clear that not all siblings will be besties. But as a parent, it still hurts when I find my kids less than loving or downright mean to each other.
Age gap dynamics may play a role in how my kids interact. It shocked me to see my middle kid, Kay, who is so warm to her older sister, act catty toward her younger sister over and over again. But looking closer at the situation, I can see how their age difference could have contributed. She is closer in age to her older sister but much older than the younger one.
"Being farther apart in age can leave siblings with less in common," said Tracy King, a clinical psychologist. "But they may also feel less competitive," she added.
Nonetheless, it bothered me that they weren't being friendly toward each other.
Siblings are some of the closest social ties one can have. And I worried that if they could be chummy now, it could only get worse as time passed.
I also felt it was somehow my fault, and yet I had no idea how I had contributed. But thankfully, that's unlikely to be the case.
"It's important for parents to remind themselves that it is natural for siblings to have times when they do not get on," said Joanna Silver, a psychologist.
Current research shows that parenting style can also play a role in sibling conflicts. While an authoritative parenting style could reduce conflict, other styles like the neglectful, inconsistent, indulgent, and authoritarian could worsen it.
To lessen conflict between our kids, we need to be more proactive, positive, and purposeful.
Here are six tips from the experts I spoke to:
Model the right behavior
Children are famously able to do what they see more than what they hear.
"You need to demonstrate positive communication styles — whether this be with friends or your partner. Having children see how to tackle disagreements positively or know when to back down will serve as a great role model," said Amanda Gummer, a child psychologist and the founder of Good Play Guide.
Address the issue
"Talk to them about what's going on. Speak to each of them separately, then speak to them together. Allow each of them to speak. Use a strategy of 'externalizing' where you step outside of blame and speak as if the conflict is in the room for everyone to problem solve," King said.
Set clear expectations
Let your kids know the expected behavior and the lines that should not be crossed. "Where parents' expectations are unclear, the siblings begin to battle to get things right," King said.
Reward cooperative behavior
Giving your children rewards for acting properly toward each other can help reinforce such behavior.
"For older children, you can include a system where siblings win a marble for cooperative behavior. And when they get a certain number of marbles, there's a joint reward such as a movie night or fun day trip," Silver said.
Don't play favorites
It is important to be fair to each child to avoid feelings of resentment building up. According to Gummer, this helps avoid unnecessary comparisons.
Give each child some time alone with you
Doing this can help the child feel valued and reduce the sense of always having to compete for your attention, Gummer suggested.
Ultimately, experts all agree that some bickering among siblings is normal. But when it's excessive, you may need to intervene and help them get closer to each other. Helping them form closer bonds today can last them a lifetime.