- Breakups during the coronavirus pandemic look very different from typical breakups.
- People are using Zoom to break the news to their partners, or living with their exes for the forseeable future.
- Some said the pandemic brought long-ignored
relationship problems to the surface and led to their untimely breakups. - Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.
These days, Sah Hanna, 26, wakes up every morning in bed with their ex.
Hanna, who uses they/them pronouns, was with their partner for four years until the relationship fell apart in late March.
But, due to the
"The pandemic makes everyone feel like their life is on pause, but being in this broken-up relationship and coordinating together [with my ex] especially feels like my life is on pause," Hanna told Insider. "I can't really do all of the single things that I would normally do after a breakup."
It's not uncommon for long-term couples to have to stay together for some time before one or both move out, but stay-at-home orders have meant that that's a standard for couples ending their relationships, like Hanna.
The situation isn't exactly more comfortable for people who aren't living together, who have to confront the cracks in their relationship over Zoom video chat.
Speaking to Insider, some couples said the break-up was already on the horizon, and the coronavirus pandemic just made an already complicated conversation even moreso. For others, the pandemic brought to light relationship issues that had been buried by day-to-day life, ultimately leading to their untimely break-ups.
'The break-up was in motion, and then the quarantine happened': What it's like to quarantine with an ex
About a month ago, one week before New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio issued a city-wide shelter-in-place order, Hanna and her partner got into a fight. Tension had been mounting for a few months, but it came to a head.
"My ex, he is a trans man and he just came out within the last few months, and I'm also non-binary and I've come out within the last few months too," Hanna said. "So we kind of went on very separate coming out journeys and, I think like a month ago, things kind of boiled over and in the middle of a fight, he was just kind of like, 'Oh, we're breaking up. It's over.'"
He back-tracked, saying he didn't mean that, but suggested they take a few weeks to figure out what they want. For Hanna, that in-between period was the most difficult part of the break-up. It was also when New Yorkers were told they couldn't attend gatherings of more than 10 people and should avoid public places with lots of people.
"The break-up was kind of already in motion, and then the quarantine happened. I think that being together in the same apartment was very messy," Hanna said. "Obviously if you're not seeing anyone except for the person who you're maybe breaking up [with], that's just a lot."
It was just as people started to talk about social-distancing and wondering whether they should stop seeing friends, but it was all very unclear. Hanna took what might have been a final opportunity to get some personal space and went to a friend's house nearby. They ultimately came to the decision that breaking up was for the best, even if it meant continuing to live under the same roof, because all of Hanna's belongings were in the apartment.
"It was very sad at first, but then we kind of both realized this is probably what's best for us ultimately. Once we actually broke up, it felt like a lot of the pressure was alleviated from being together," Hanna said. "It felt like we could just act like roommates instead of acting like a romantic couple, and there's a lot less pressure on that kind of relationship."
Now Hanna and their ex have separate spaces in the apartment where they both live and work. Hanna is using the small spare room as a home office and living space, while their ex uses the living room to work and play video games.
There's only one bedroom though, so they sleep in the same bed — though they don't have sex.
"I think it's nice, actually. I mean, it would be weird for me to go from being in this long-term relationship to sleeping alone," Hanna said.
Hanna's planning to move out and find their own apartment after the pandemic is over to finally process the break-up alone.
It was the final straw for a couple of 5 years: 'Having to choose to be there with someone during a major crisis was a moment of clarity'
Kate, a 24-year-old New York City resident, wasn't planning to break up with her ex during the pandemic, but isolation orders brought to light some major issues in their relationship.
They had been together for five years, and, though Kate doesn't think it was going to be a life-long relationship, she believes they would still be together now if it weren't for the pandemic.
"If that this stuff hadn't escalated, I think we probably would still be together. I don't think the relationship would have lasted forever," Kate, who asked to omit her last name for privacy reasons, told Insider. "Obviously you could see the underlying issues were there," because whenever Kate brought up moving in together, her ex said he wasn't ready yet.
"I was like, 'Why aren't you talking about the future as much [as me]? Is it me? Is it the relationship?' And he was like, 'No, it's not that. I just haven't really thought about it.' And 'I was like, okay, I'll take your word for it,'" Kate said.
So when New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo announced a stay-at-home order for non-essential workers on March 20, Kate was excited to have an excuse to isolate with her then-boyfriend and prove to him they were ready to be permanent roommates. They talked about running a few errands and then reconvening at her apartment for the remainder of the New York City shutdown.
After going to the grocery store on March 21, Kate's then-boyfriend came back to her apartment, told her he couldn't live with her like they previously discussed, and said they should break up.
"I think that having to choose to be there with someone during a major crisis was just like a moment of clarity," for him, Kate said.
Following the break-up, Kate's mother drove 13 hours from their Midwest hometown to pick Kate up so she wouldn't have to live alone.
Kate, who has been living with her mom and processing her breakup, said her emotions "have been all over the place" but she doesn't hate her ex, she just wished he didn't wait until the coronavirus pandemic to make his mind up.
"I wouldn't have dated someone for years if they sucked and they were a s----y person. But I do think that it was unfortunate that this ... wasn't addressed or taken care of sooner," Kate said.
"It just made the out-of-the-blue nature of it so much worse because he had to make a sort of split decision, given that things were escalating like so fast. So I do think that a lot of this was caused by a lack of, I guess, emotional courage to just talk with me a lot sooner and be honest about what he was actually feeling."
Kate said that she and her ex have exchanged a few texts since the breakup, but besides that have kept their distance, and she's been enjoying time with her mom.
"I'm a little bit happy that I can't spiral into an unhealthy rebound relationship because I'm forced to be inside and play board games and do puzzles with my mom," Kate said.
One woman shared her story of being broken-up with on Zoom: 'It was about as humiliating as you would expect'
For people who are isolating without their soon-to-be exes, break-ups can't happen in-person. Virtual ones, it seems, are the next best option.
Buzzfeed News reporter Julia Moser recounted her own virtual break-up experience, which happened over the video-conferencing app, Zoom.
"The break-up was about as humiliating as you would expect," Moser wrote. "I feel like I deserve a trophy for both anticipating it and mentally preparing to handle it with as much composure as I did during the call, as well as physically preparing — putting on a touch of foundation, some mascara, and a neutral lipstick before the call started."
Moser said that she only went on three dates with the man who broke up with her, and that he wasn't even her official boyfriend, but it still hurt because she lost a constant in her life.
"To have someone I was getting to know, who was outside of my life, and who I connected strongly with felt like the only good and consistent thing happening for me," Moser wrote.
The most difficult part, she said, was that she couldn't commiserate with her friends in-person, as you would normally do.
But, she said, she respected him for doing it with compassion, and taking to time to speak face-to-face.
"He didn't ghost me, or gaslight me and tell me everything was fine when I could feel him pulling away, or drag this out for months and months with no end in sight until we were both just tired and dead inside. He was honest and forthright, it was an incredibly decent thing for him to do, and I am miserable," she said. "There is no easy way around it."
Read the original article on Insider