I am a woman, but before that, a person who refuses to be categorised

‘Don’t forget you’re a woman, my dear. Your job is to take care of your house, your husband, your children and your family,’ so I was told by my own mother, a few months after I got married.

Here’s what I think- I am a woman, but before that I am a person who refuses to be categorised into gender, class, caste or religion.

Feminism, respecting women and caring for this gender is somehow the most misunderstood phenomena in the entire planet.

A few things I learnt early in life has made my life a lot more difficult to live, but a lot more satisfactory, because I know I’m not fooling myself into believing that Walt Disney’s idea of the perfect heroine was the way a woman needed to be, had to be treated or was any reflection of what she should be in the first place.

1) Respect: Respect is equal. It can’t have different connotations for men and women. Respecting a woman doesn’t mean pulling out a chair for her to take seat or holding the car door open while she steps out or vacating your seat in the metro/bus when you see a woman standing. Respect isn’t chivalry. Who needs chivalry! Respecting a woman means, she gets to choose a career of her own liking without having to argue, explain or fight. You respect a woman when she wins what she deserves after a merit-based fight. Respect is when she can enter and exit her home without questions, deadlines or any other perfunctory action. Respect isn’t gifting her spa certificate to ‘pamper’ herself. Respect isn’t taking her out for dinner to a fancy place and ‘paying’ for it. Respect isn’t massaging ointment on her forehead when she has a splitting headache. Respect is living and letting live.

2) A level playing field- The entire meaning of equality lies in being able to provide a level playing field. It is the attitude people have towards men and women and the real meaning behind it. It is also about the mindset the society has towards men and women-women are supposed to be the key care takers, looking after the home and the family, while the man is supposed to be the bread-earner. In my house, every single job is divided equally. It is not my duty alone to buy groceries, or bathe and feed the baby, or clean-up at the end of the day. And, no, I am NOT thankful for having a husband who ‘shares’ ‘my’ responsibilities, because it isn’t only ‘my’ responsibility, it is ‘our’ responsibility. Running the house, succeeding in our respective careers, and caring for our family, is a team effort, not an individual’s task, which the other chooses to have a share of. What we are thankful for, however, is how well we work as a team!

A woman should be able to have the same level of education and advice from her parents like her brother does. Offer the woman a position in a company basis her performance, not her gender, or pre-conceived notions of how women can never work as much or as long as men do.

Above all, she should be able to earn the same income as her other peers. If she is good at her work, she shouldn’t fight for what is rightfully hers.

3) Reproduction- It is as much the man’s responsibility as is the woman’s. A woman shouldn’t have to take a backseat in her career simply because her genetic make ensures she is the one conceiving and not the man. Here, once she has conceived, everything from her health, to the baby’s health to the sanity of the family is an equal responsibility of the man as well as the woman. Post birth, a woman, typically takes between 4-6 months to get back into fighting shape. Men shouldn’t see this as a leeway for women to take a backseat, because unlike a man, this period allows the woman to get to terms with the tremendous mental and physical change she goes through to bear the child and give birth.

In fact, child rearing and bearing is an act of complete equality. A woman should not have to give-up her career simply because the organisation she works for doesn’t provide adequate childcare facilities. Actually, all companies should have childcare facilities, which will allow both parents to work without any hindrance, thereby being infinitely more productive. Looking after the child’s welfare and upbringing is as much as the father’s responsibility as the mother’s.

That said, it is also time that plenty of women change the way they act. It isn’t cool when mothers-in-law murder their daughters-in-law in the name of dowry.

It isn’t cool when a daughter-in-law needs her mother-in-law’s permission to step out of home for work or leisure. It isn’t cool when a mother-in-law decides when and for how long her daughter-in-law should work, and what time she should return home from office. It isn’t cool when women scheme against each other.

Whosoever you may be- no one has the right to choose for you or decide for you. You should not have to seek anyone’s permission before doing anything that is legally correct. Also, your gender, class, caste or religion should never decide the kind of life you should live.

(Image: Thinkstock)