Why experts consider authoritative parenting the best approach, and how it differs from authoritarian parenting
- Authoritarian parents expect obedience and may punish kids instead of helping them find solutions.
- Authoritative parents offer emotional support and use logical consequences to help kids learn.
Authoritarian and authoritative parenting may sound similar, but these two styles have very little in common — and they can have vastly different impacts on kids.
Authoritarian parenting is a strict approach that emphasizes child obedience with high expectations for a child's behavior.
Parents who use this style tend to rely more heavily on punishment for behaviors they don't want to see and focus less on techniques for teaching appropriate behavior, says Kalley Hartman, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Clinical Director at Ocean Recovery, an addiction treatment center where she often works with children and families.
On the other hand, authoritative parents take a different approach. While they also have high expectations for their kids, they offer more flexibility in responding to their children's behavior. Instead of punishing a child for not meeting expectations, an authoritative parent will try to problem-solve with them instead.
Each parent and child is different, and your individual needs, strengths, and personality may guide your unique approach to parenting. But in general, most experts recommend an authoritative approach.
Read on to learn more about what sets these two approaches apart and the science behind the benefits of authoritative parenting.
Examples of authoritarian parenting
"Authoritarian parents have rigid rules and expectations for their children with little to no communication or flexibility in terms of enforcement," Hartman says.
Some examples of authoritarian parenting:
| Example: | Why it's authoritarian: |
| A parent tells a child to finish their homework before dinner or they will be punished. | There's no discussion or flexibility on the part of the parent. The parent also ignores any individual needs the child might have, including difficulties completing their homework. |
| A parent takes away their child's favorite toy and throws it out with the trash because the child spoke to them disrespectfully. | The toy has nothing to do with the child learning to communicate respectfully. The parent only takes it away because it's important to the child. |
| A parent takes away their teenager's cell phone for a week because the teen didn't complete their chores for the day. | The loss of the phone is a punishment aimed at making the teen regret their actions. It doesn't help the teen learn appropriate skills, like time management or cleaning up after themselves. |
Effects of authoritarian parenting
Authoritarian parenting takes an "I am the boss" approach that may seem to help shape a child's behavior in the short term, but it typically doesn't teach the child how to behave in the long term, says Robyn Rausch, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist at Calming Communities.
That's because authoritarian parenting focuses on controlling the child's behavior with little discussion or input from the child themselves. So, kids are less likely to learn the "right" way to behave, Rausch says.
Instead, they learn that certain behaviors make their parents angry. As a result, they may be more likely to lie to their parents or sneak around so their parents don't find out they're doing something they shouldn't.
According to Hartman, authoritarian parenting:
- Limits a child's autonomy
- Fails to provide needed emotional support
- Makes it difficult for kids to learn problem solving skills
- Negatively affects social-emotional development
- Can raise a child's risk of developing mental health issues in adulthood, like depression and substance use problems
Note: Children of authoritarian parents may also have poor self-esteem, struggle to manage their emotions, and have a difficult time learning to think for themselves and decipher right from wrong.
Examples of authoritative parenting
"Authoritative parenting takes a 'we can do this' approach," Rausch says. It focuses on learning and connection while including the child's input and experience.
| Example: | Why it's authoritative: |
| A parent tells a child they have to do their homework before they can go outside and play. The parent might also sit down with the child to offer support while they complete their assignments. | The parent is working as a team with the child to accomplish the task. They offer positive reinforcement — playtime — when their child follows through. |
| A parent responds to a child speaking disrespectfully by requesting they express themselves more politely. The parent may also acknowledge a child's feelings of frustration, suggest tips to cope, and offer examples of respectful ways to ask for what they need. | This approach emphasizes natural consequences — not giving the child what they want until the behavior changes. The parent also takes the time to teach the child other ways to express themselves. |
| A parent takes away a teenager's cell phone because they broke house rules around cell phone use — for instance, using the phone after bedtime. The parent explains how their teen broke their trust and suggests keeping their phone in another room overnight to help them follow rules in the future. | The consequence is directly related to the teen's behavior with their cell phone. The parent maintains firm boundaries around the cell phone without punitive discipline. |
Effects of authoritative parenting
According to Rausch, this style focuses on logical consequences for discipline, not punishment.
These consequences relate to problems caused by the behavior and aim to help teach kids solutions, Rausch says.
As a result, kids raised with authoritative parents are more likely to develop the skills necessary to regulate their emotions, solve conflicts with their peers, and become confident in their own judgments and sense of self.
Other science-backed benefits of authoritative parenting include:
- Higher levels of academic success: A small 2022 study of academic achievement among teens found that participants with authoritative parents were more likely to believe they could achieve academic success than those with neglectful parents. This belief translated to more success in the classroom.
- Better self-esteem: A small 2014 study found a positive relationship between authoritative parenting and self-esteem.
- Lower rates of depression and anxiety: A small 2016 study of mental resilience among elderly adults in China found participants who grew up with authoritative parents had lower levels of depression and anxiety than those who grew up with authoritarian parents.
- Increased life satisfaction: A 2020 study on the effects of parenting styles on life satisfaction found a strong link between authoritative parenting and higher life satisfaction. The study also linked authoritarian parenting to lower life satisfaction.
Other parenting styles
In addition to authoritarian and authoritative parenting, child development experts recognize two other main parenting styles:
- Permissive parenting: This style also prioritizes warmth, connection, and open communication. But permissive parents set very few rules and expectations for children. Since they tend to provide a lot of freedom with little guidance, kids raised with permissive parents may be more impulsive and struggle to develop self-regulation skills.
- Neglectful or uninvolved parenting: This style provides little support and communication for kids, aside from fulfilling basic needs like food, clothing, and shelter. Children often have to figure things out on their own, so they may become more resilient and self-sufficient than kids of parents with different styles. At the same time, they tend to lack the parental support necessary to learn how to manage their emotions or nurture social relationships.
Adjusting your parenting approach
Most experts agree authoritative parenting provides the most benefits — both in terms of child development and the parent-child relationship.
"Authoritative parenting aligns the parent and child as a team from the beginning and keeps them there promoting a healthy relationship. It values the child's perspective, needs, and creativity which builds their self-esteem and empowers them to make positive choices when building their life," Rausch says.
Yet each parent has their own individual resources, needs, and strengths that inform how they parent, says Dr. Shairi Turner, chief health officer at Crisis Text Line.
For example, connecting with your kids emotionally might feel natural to you, while setting firm boundaries may not. Or, you might excel at maintaining routines and structure at home but struggle to show flexibility when plans change.
Sometimes, adjusting your parenting style can be challenging, especially if your own parents were authoritarian and you don't have examples of other ways to parent, Rausch says.
These tips can help:
- Identify your style: Consider whether your parenting approach supports your child's health, growth, and development. This can help guide you toward becoming the parent you'd like to be.
- Seek out support: Many online groups, books, and other resources can help you learn more about authoritative parenting and how to embrace it. Rausch recommends searching for authoritative parenting — aka "gentle parenting" — groups on social media to find a like-minded community that can provide validation and help you brainstorm ways to solve problems.
- Reach out to a professional: A family therapist or professional counselor can help you think through and discuss more effective parenting strategies, Hartman says. Working with a mental health professional can also help you gain insight into your own upbringing and develop healthy coping skills to improve emotional regulation.
- Give yourself grace: Shifting to a different way of parenting takes time and practice, Rausch says. Acknowledge the hard work you are doing and apologize when you slip into old habits.
Insider's takeaway
It's no secret that your interactions with your kids play a vital role in their development and overall well-being. In fact, your style of child-rearing can affect all areas of your kids' lives, including their brain development, mental health, and social-emotional skills.
Your natural parenting style may align more closely with a permissive, uninvolved, or authoritarian approach — but most experts point to authoritative parenting as the most beneficial for child development, mental health, and academic and career success.
This approach encourages parents and children to work as a team to solve problems — in contrast to authoritarian parenting, which focuses on strict obedience with little flexibility or discussion.
At times, you may need to adjust parts of your parenting to fit the needs of your child, Turner says. But in general, adopting parenting practices from the authoritative style can help your child develop problem-solving skills, self-confidence, and independence.