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Kids with neglectful parents may have trouble forming healthy relationships and doing well at school

Feb 25, 2023, 00:59 IST
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Neglectful — aka uninvolved — parents generally don't provide much structure, set rules for kids, or interfere with their activities.Darrin Klimek/Getty Images
  • Neglectful parents provide basic necessities, but they generally don't engage with kids emotionally.
  • Uninvolved parenting often stems from life stressors, like health concerns or financial insecurity.
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In some circumstances, giving children the space and flexibility to solve problems on their own can help them develop confidence and a sense of self-worth.

But when parents are incredibly distant and unresponsive, this can leave a child feeling insecure and rejected, according to Ellie Borden, a registered psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, and clinical director at Mind By Design, a private therapy practice.

An uninvolved parent rarely responds to a child's needs or desires, beyond providing basic necessities like clothing, food, and housing. Uninvolved parents also place few expectations or demands on children and rarely interfere with their decisions or become involved in their lives.

This parenting style, which also goes by the name of neglectful parenting, can have long-term negative effects on kids, from poor academic performance to difficulties forming relationships with peers.

Read on to learn more about why some parents use this parenting style and a few changes you can make to become more involved as a parent.

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Examples of uninvolved parenting

Of the four main parenting styles, uninvolved parenting provides the least amount of emotional support, advice, and structure to a child, Borden says.

Uninvolved parents may appear indifferent, dismissive, and emotionally detached.

For example:

  • They may not know their child's daily routine, school activities, or friends.
  • They rarely interfere with a child's decisions or offer advice.
  • They generally won't offer much response to a child's feelings or experiences.
  • They typically don't provide much in the way of rules, structure, or discipline.

For example, an uninvolved parent may respond to a child asking to go to a friend's house after school by saying "Go ahead" — without asking where they'll be, who they'll be with, or when they plan to come home.

Or, they may ignore a child who asks for a toy in a store and continue shopping without responding to or acknowledging the request.

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Is uninvolved parenting abuse?

Like any style of parenting, uninvolved parenting exists on a spectrum.

Not all uninvolved parenting would count as abuse or neglect. However, some uninvolved parents may not provide essentials, like food, housing, or medical care — and this would be considered abuse, according to Borden.

Children raised in households with uninvolved parents may also have difficulty establishing good relationships, which can leave them more vulnerable to abuse, according to Borden.

Uninvolved parents may not, for instance, explain to a child what it means to have their boundaries violated. They may also offer little guidance on how kids should interact with adults and other kids, which can increase the risk of them experiencing abuse from other adults or bullying from peers.

"If a parent ignores an indication of abuse by others because of emotional detachment, they may be complicit in the act," Borden says.

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What's the impact?

Uninvolved parents place few expectations on kids' behavior, and they aren't very responsive to their emotional needs.

Overall, they may seem disinterested in their children's lives, Borden says.

This can have many harmful effects on kids, including:

  • Low self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth: Children of uninvolved parents may feel unimportant and unloved due to a lack of parental attention and affection. "This may also affect their confidence in their abilities and decisions, as they get no guidance, not even a pat on the back for a job well done," Borden says.
  • Increased risk of substance use: Kids who lack guidance from a parent may be more likely to use substances, like alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana.
  • Poor academic performance: Uninvolved parents may not set rules around kids completing their homework and, in some cases, even attending school, Borden says. This gives kids little motivation to do well in school. Children of uninvolved parents often also lack the tools and guidance to do well on assignments and exams.
  • Behavioral problems: Kids who don't receive attention at home may try to get attention from others by acting out in school or picking fights with other kids, Borden says.
  • Mental health issues: Children of uninvolved parents are more likely to struggle socially, which can lead them to withdraw from peers and lack social connection. Social isolation and loneliness may then increase the risk of developing mental health issues, like depression and anxiety.

Uninvolved parenting can also negatively affect the parent-child relationship, Borden says. Kids may feel neglected and rejected by the lack of communication and emotional connection from their parents.

According to Borden, children of uninvolved parents also may not trust their parents when they become adults, since the parents didn't exert any effort to supervise them growing up.

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Where does this type of parenting come from?

Most of the time, uninvolved or neglectful parenting doesn't happen intentionally. Parents often don't realize they're uninvolved or understand how their behavior affects their kids, Borden says.

A parent might become uninvolved for many reasons, including:

  • Life stressors: Big life changes, like losing a job, separating from a spouse, losing a loved one, or supporting a sick family member can cause a parent to withdraw from their children, Borden says. In these cases, a parent may simply feel overwhelmed by other things happening in their life and unable to give kids the attention they need.
  • Mental health challenges: Parents who struggle with anxiety and depression may find it hard to show up emotionally for their children. "Some parents may also lack the ability to effectively support and guide their children because they may not have the skills for it. Likewise, lonely parents may be unable to provide the companionship their children require," Borden says.
  • Socio-economic factors: Low-income households where parents lack access to healthcare and childcare and struggle to put food on the table may not be as involved in their children's lives as they'd like. "A lack of money and increased financial stress can make it hard for the parent to offer their children a stable and nurturing home," Borden says.

Other parenting styles

In addition to uninvolved or neglectful parenting, experts recognize three other styles:

  • Authoritarian parenting: This style of parenting places high expectations on children and enforces rules with punishment. Authoritative parents offer little flexibility to kids or consider their experiences when establishing rules, and they maintain firm boundaries.
  • Permissive parenting: This style is considered the exact opposite of authoritarian parenting. Permissive parents are warm and responsive to their children's emotional needs, but they offer little structure and have low expectations for behavior.
  • Authoritative parenting: This style incorporates the positive parts of both authoritarian and permissive styles by holding children to high standards while working with them to solve problems. Authoritative parents consider and respond to their children's experiences and feelings and explain the reasoning for their rules.

What experts recommend

Experts generally recommend an authoritative approach to parenting. This style emphasizes connection and responsiveness to a child's emotional and physical needs while teaching them the skills they need to form strong social connections and do well in school.

Adjusting your parenting style from uninvolved to authoritative can be hard work that takes time and practice.

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To become more involved with your kids and strengthen your relationship, Borden recommends these tips:

1. Seek help from a professional

Parents rarely choose to neglect their children. If major life circumstances, like mental health challenges or grief, have made it harder to stay present as a parent, connecting with a professional counselor or family doctor can help.

An expert can teach new coping skills and offer more guidance with addressing any underlying issues preventing you from being a more involved parent.

2. Start spending more time with your child

This could mean asking them what they're interested in and engaging in activities they enjoy, for example. Spending uninterrupted one-on-one time with your child even just once a week can make a difference, Borden says.

For instance, try talking to them about who their friends are at school and what they like about them. You can also start going through their backpack together after school every day and asking questions about their schoolwork.

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3. Set rules and expectations

You can slowly start to become more involved in your child's life by establishing rules and boundaries. For example, you might communicate an expectation that your child finishes their homework before playing video games.

Setting clear guidelines can help teach kids what you expect from them and that their actions have consequences, Borden says.

Insider's takeaway

Uninvolved parenting, one of four main parenting styles, is characterized by a lack of responsiveness to a child's needs. Uninvolved parents show little interest in their children's lives and generally place few rules and expectations on them.

This type of parenting can cause children to withdraw socially, which can increase their risk of developing behavioral problems or mental health issues.

Uninvolved parenting is rarely a conscious choice — typically, it stems from outside factors, like life stressors, mental health challenges, or poverty, Borden says.

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You can start to become a more involved parent by spending more one-on-one time with your child and seeking professional help to address any underlying issues preventing you from being more involved.

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