Experts say the authoritative parenting style can help your kids develop responsibility, self-esteem, and more
- Authoritative parents set rules and high standards — and praise kids for meeting those standards.
- They use logical consequences to help kids learn from mistakes and teach problem-solving skills.
Say your kid fills the dishwasher with soap as a prank, flooding the appliance and your kitchen floor with bubbles. How would you handle the situation?
Some parents might ground their kid, while others might simply clean up the mess without a word.
But if you use an authoritative parenting style, you might respond by first explaining why the prank went too far and then having them clean up the mess — standing by in case they need a little help.
Authoritative parents have a strong emotional connection with their kids. To put it simply, you know your kids are going to make mistakes, but you also know they need structure and discipline to grow into functional adults. While you don't consider yourself the dictator of the house, you're not trying to be their buddy, either.
Generally speaking, experts recommend authoritative parenting as the most beneficial of the four main parenting styles. In fact, evidence consistently suggests that authoritative parenting leads to the best developmental outcomes for kids, including helping them develop self-reliance and self-esteem.
Read on to learn more about the benefits of authoritative parenting, potential challenges, and how to change your parenting style.
Examples of authoritative parenting
Authoritative parenting sets up a positive relationship between parent and child, allowing for open dialogue and mutual respect.
"This style encourages children to take responsibility for their own actions and make decisions that are appropriate for their age and development," says Kalley Hartman, marriage and family therapist and clinical director of Ocean Recovery, where she regularly works with children and families.
Hallmarks of the authoritative parenting style include the following traits:
| Trait | Example |
| You have a close, affectionate relationship with your kids. | You regularly play with your kid and go on outings with them. You have a good idea of their likes and dislikes, who their friends are, and how they spend their time. |
| You discuss plans with your kids and accept their input when possible. | You sign your kid up for a sports club to keep them physically active — after asking them whether they'd prefer soccer or baseball, since you know they'll feel more motivated to do a sport they picked. |
| You maintain appropriate boundaries. | You and your spouse are going through a messy divorce. However, you make sure not to fight or badmouth each other in front of your kid, since they're stressed enough as it is. |
| You set high standards for kids and praise them when they meet those standards. | Many students in your kid's English class are cheating by using an AI program to write their essays. You compliment your kid for showing integrity and writing their own paper, even if essays aren't their strong suit. |
| You discipline kids using logical consequences for misbehavior — not intimidation. | In a fit of anger, your kid breaks their sibling's toy. You first have them apologize, then do extra chores around the house to pay for a replacement toy. |
| You explain the reasons behind household rules and standards. | You ask your kid to clean the crumbs off their bedroom carpet, and they ask why. You explain how their buffet of floor snacks could attract bugs, and the idea of a cockroach invasion has your kid vacuuming their carpet right away. |
Benefits
Authoritative parenting can have many benefits, both for you and your child.
- Emotional regulation: Authoritative parenting helps create an environment where a child feels safe expressing themselves without fear of punishment or criticism, Hartman says. Research also suggests kids of authoritative parents are slightly less likely to have externalizing behaviors, like physical aggression or acting out in school.
- Self-esteem: When you acknowledge your kid's thoughts and feelings during decisions, they learn their needs matter. One study found kids of authoritative parents tend to have higher self-esteem than those raised via other styles.
- Responsibility: Holding kids accountable for their actions helps them develop a sense of responsibility. "By setting clear boundaries and providing consistent discipline, authoritative parents can help children learn self-control," says Steve Carleton, social worker and chief clinical officer at Gallus Detox.
- School performance: A review linked authoritative parenting to better short- and long-term academic performance. That's because authoritative parents tend to be more involved in their child's education, often by offering extra support and resources.
- Stronger parent-child bond: Parents who interact with their kids in a compassionate, nonjudgmental way tend to have more positive relationships with their offspring. This benefit lasts through adulthood, even after kids have left home.
- Less parental stress: One study suggests mindful parenting — where you generally focus on the present and don't approach every conflict as a power struggle — can help ease some of the stress of parenting. According to the same study, authoritative parents are more likely to parent mindfully.
Challenges
Despite its benefits, authoritative parenting is sometimes easier said than done. Factors that can influence your parenting style include:
Emotional bandwidth
If you're a single parent who works multiple jobs, you may not always have the time or energy to explain to your cranky kid why they need to eat their broccoli. In the face of your three-year-old's superhuman stubbornness, "Because I said so!" may seem like the only way to end the argument before your food gets cold.
When your kid shows strong emotions or challenging behaviors, it can be hard to remain calm in the moment. Rather than helping your kid manage their feelings, you may find yourself reacting in ways that escalate the situation, Carleton says.
Cultural expectations
Many cultures traditionally use an authoritarian parenting style, with high expectations but less nurturing, because they prize obedience and respect, according to Silvia Liu, psychologist and adjunct professor at Pepperdine University.
Parents from these cultures may feel a mismatch between their cultural values and some of the nurturing skills of authoritative parenting, she says.
For example, it may seem unnecessary to praise a child for doing their chores. You might instead prefer to save compliments for when they do something truly exceptional.
Childhood experience
"Without preparation and support, people tend to default to the parenting style they grew up with," says Michelle Knox, psychologist and psychiatry professor at the University of Toledo College of Medicine and Life Sciences.
For example, say your parents let you do whatever you pleased and acted like your best friend. You may not have any good role models for how to raise a child with rules and boundaries.
Even if you know your kid needs discipline, you may find yourself reacting to problems in the moment rather than setting consistent expectations and consequences. This more reactive parenting style can be unpredictable and confusing for kids, Knox says.
Other parenting styles
Experts recognize four main parenting styles, separating them by the level of warmth in the parent-child relationship and the level of discipline given to the child.
The authoritative style has both high warmth and high discipline.
The three other styles include:
- Authoritarian: This style is marked by low warmth and high discipline. Parents keep an emotional distance and establish strict rules. They expect kids to obey these rules without arguments or questions.
- Permissive: This style is marked by high warmth and low discipline. Parents may be friendly and affectionate, but they don't offer much guidance or structure. Basically, they act more like a friend than a parent.
- Uninvolved: This style is marked by low warmth and low discipline. Parents fulfill their kids' material needs, but they don't offer much nurturing or discipline. Instead, they mostly leave children to their own devices.
Changing your parenting style
If you'd like to raise your kids more authoritatively, these tips from experts can help:
Pace yourself
"The first step is to become aware of your current parenting style, its strengths, and any areas where you may need improvement," Carleton says.
Once you get a good sense of your family's current baseline, you can make small adjustments toward a more authoritative style — just aim to be consistent with any new expectations you set.
Remember, too, that changing your parenting style doesn't happen overnight. The process takes time and dedication, Carleton says. This may be a big change for both you and your child, so a little patience with each other can go a long way.
Lay the groundwork
Not every parenting moment needs to be monumental. In fact, it's often the low-stakes, everyday conversations about TV shows or favorite dinosaurs that form the foundation of a relationship, not the "big conversations" about puberty or career plans that happen once in a blue moon.
One good way to start? Hartman recommends talking with your kid more often. Encouraging open dialogue can help them feel comfortable expressing themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.
When both of you feel secure with each other, it may become easier to navigate conflict without feeling like your whole relationship is about to blow apart.
Find resources
You may also find it helpful to check out parenting groups or online training programs. You have many different options for parenting support, depending on your availability and needs.
Knox recommends checking out:
Connect with a therapist
Family therapy treats your family on a group level, focusing on healing relationships rather than individual issues. Liu says family therapy may include role-playing or real-life practice to help you practice parenting skills.
Note: If you have trouble managing your emotional responses to your child's behavior, individual therapy may be more appropriate, Liu says. Some people also opt to do both family therapy and individual therapy at the same time
Insider's takeaway
The authoritative parenting style combines nurturing with structure to guide children to independent adulthood. It offers quite a few benefits for kids, such as better emotional control, school performance, and self-esteem. This style can also support a stronger parent-child bond.
That said, not everyone is in an emotional headspace where they can do authoritative parenting — at least not right away. You can take steps toward changing your parenting style by making small, manageable changes and proactively bonding with your child.
Parenting programs or therapy can also make a difference. A professional family or individual counselor can support you on your parenting journey, no matter where it takes you.