A sex therapist who has practiced for 27 years shares 8 tips that help clients reclaim their sex lives, plus two exercises to try tonight

• As the name implies, sex therapy is like talk therapy, but specifically surrounding sex.
• Sex therapy can be useful for anyone looking to overcome sexual shame or reconnect with their partner(s).

Having a great sex life isn't just pleasurable — it's also linked to better health, from warding off depression and anxiety, to lowering your blood pressure. Gwen Lotery, a sex therapist who has been treating individuals, couples, and moresomes for nearly three decades defines a good sex life as one where everyone is satisfied.

If you or your partner(s) aren't happy with how things are going, sex therapy might help. Most often, clients come to Lotery because they're bored with their sex lives, or because they want to try something new, like playing with more partners or exploring kink.

Here's what you should know about sex therapy — including Lotery's tips for improving your sex life.

What is sex therapy?

Sex therapy is similar to other forms of talk therapy. Therapists like Lotery are licensed mental health professions who have additional training to address sexual issues or concerns.

In practice, that might mean confronting shame around sex from a religious upbringing, or learning to talk openly with your partner(s) about desire, Lotery says. Sex therapy never includes touching, she emphasizes.

There's limited research on the effectiveness of sex therapy, but a small 2020 study found that people reported higher sexual satisfaction after working with a sex therapist. Another small 2020 study found that sex therapy helped young men with erectile dysfunction.

Tips from a sex therapist

Lotery focuses on helping her clients find solutions to the challenges in their sex life. Most of her clients are having more satisfying sex after just a few sessions, and wrap up therapy within a few months, she said. Here are eight tips that Lotery uses to help get her client's sex lives back on course.

1. Define sex

What is sex? It can be hard to say. How sex is actually defined varies from person to person. Whether giving or receiving pleasure involves intercourse, intimacy, or anything in between, there's no right or wrong way to have sex as long as it's consensual for all involved.

Before you can improve your sex life, you have to set the terms. See where you and your partner(s) definitions line up, or don't. Once you all understand and respect each other's views of sex, you'll be able to have more productive conversations, Lotery says.

2. Foster intimacy

Before you can communicate openly about tying up your partner, using sex toys, or bringing in a third person, you need to feel safe. Opening up about your equal desires is vulnerable.

So, before you expand your sexual horizons, Lotery recommends building intimacy outside the bedroom. That means taking dedicated time to be with your partner(s), like going out to dinner or for a hike.

"Intimacy is about communication," Lotery says. "How well do we talk, listen, and understand one another? You need to foster intimacy before you talk about sexual details."

3. Know what you want

Most people know what they want from their sex lives, Lotery says. But acknowledging and communicating your sexual fantasies can be intimidating.

And getting what you want is often even trickier — in fact, that's what brings most people to sex therapy, Lotery says.

"I see a lot of people who want something different and they don't know how to go about it," she says. "The first thing is talking about it."

It's also important to "know what your 'absolutely not,' 'maybe' and 'hell yes' activities are," Lotery says. "And those can change at any time."

If you have an intimate, trusting relationship with your partner(s), you'll be more apt to open up.

4. Change the menu

One of the biggest complaints people have about their sex life is that it's boring or routine, says Lotery, who has been with her husband for 40 years.

"I equate sex with food," she says. "Do you eat the same thing every night?"

Of course not. So, it can be helpful to think of ways to bring creativity into not only your sex life, but the relationship at large.

Create new memories together that infuse energy into your relationship, whether you're still at the newlywed stage or have been together long term. Try something new, which can be as simple as a new type of restaurant. Curiosity about the unknown will build anticipation, which is the antithesis of boredom.

"Routines are what ground us, but we get stuck," Lotery says. "That's when people come in for therapy.

5. Talk about what works

Too often people want to discuss what's not working in their sex lives. But focusing on the positive is even more important.

"It's vital to talk about what does work," Lotery says. "What brings you joy, pleasure and excitement? How do you conceive of arousal and desire? What do you want partner or partners to know?"

Lotery recommends taking three seconds once a day to think about what made you feel good recently. Then, build on that by thinking about how you can make your partner(s) feel good.

That "changes your way of thinking," and prioritizes pleasure in your brain.

6. Be slow and intentional

One way to build anticipation is by setting the mood for sex. This can start days out if you know that you'll be having a romantic night together. Closer to the moment, turn on music, put on your nice sheets, and light a candle. Then go very, very slow.

"That gets you in the moment. It gets you in touch with the sensation," Lotery says. "I tell clients, if you're going slow, you're going too fast. Slow down even more."

7. Deconstruct barriers that are in your way

Oftentimes, shame, social pressure, and cultural expectations stand in the way of people getting what they really want from their sex lives. Overcoming those hangups can empower you to have the sex life you desire.

"It's about deconstructing what you've been told or learned, and replacing that with what you know is right for you," Lotery says.

Talking with trusted friends or partners can help, but deconstructing cultural norms is tricky work, Lotery says — work that a sex therapist is trained to help with.

8. Take risks

A thriving sex life involves experimentation and, sometimes, failures. That's ok, says Lotery.

"We've all made a bad meal," she says. "But if you make a bad dinner, you don't decide to never cook again."

The more times you find what doesn't work for you or your partner, the closer you'll be toward finding what's satisfying for both of you.

Two exercises to try

There are two exercises that Lotery often uses to help clients build trust with their partners and connect with the sensations in their body. These aren't about sex, but about being sensual with your partner, she says.

For both exercises, one partner is blindfolded. Whether you're the giver or the recipient, savor that role — focus on what it's like to give pleasure or receive it, Lotery says. Rather than switching roles in the same sitting, do the activity at two different times, so you each have a chance to fully savor giving and receiving.

The taste exercise

One partner is comfortable, sitting up. They're blindfolded. The other partner gathers 5-7 foods or drinks with various tastes and textures. These should be items that the blindfolded partner likes. Then, extremely slowly, feed each item to your partner, allowing them to taste and smell it. Focus on the sensations each item brings, and the trust between you and your partner.

The touch exercise

This exercise is similar, but involves touching your partner with 5-7 items from around the house. These should be non-sexual items — hairbrushes, spoons, and robes all work well. You will be touching your partner in a sensual, but not sexual way.

"This is not about arousal, but sensation," Lotery says.

One-by-one, place an item on your partner's body. If you're the recipient, don't try to guess what the object is — just experience the sensations that it brings.

Who is sex therapy most effective for?

Anyone can benefit from sex therapy, Lotery says, as long as they're willing to openly communicate with themselves and their partners. Even people who are reluctant or uncomfortable talking about sex can benefit, and a good sex therapist will adapt to your comfort level, Lotery says.

However, sex therapy is not the answer for people who have fundamental flaws in their relationship.

"Sex therapy doesn't work if one person is really wanting out of the relationship and the other is thinking 'if we just improve our sex life…'" she says.

What you should know before seeking treatment

While any therapist can claim to help with sex or intimacy issues, most mental health professionals don't have in-depth training on sex therapy, Lotery says.

"I wouldn't go to a regular doctor for surgery," she says.

Instead, she recommends finding a therapist who is certified by the American Academy of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) or the American Association of Couples and Sex Therapists (AACAST).

These providers have completed additional training and shown their competency at providing sex therapy. Both the AASECT and the AACAST maintain databases of providers online.

Ask a therapist about their values and the timeline for therapy. Most of Lotery's patients are in therapy for a few months, she says. If you don't click with one therapist during the first session, Lotery recommends moving on.

"Be selfish," she says. "Make it a good fit."

Insider's takeaway

Sex therapy is a type of talk therapy that focuses on addressing sexual problems or challenges. Creating intimacy, trust, and anticipation in your sex life can keep it satisfying even in long term relationships, Lotery says.

Whether you're working with a partner or focusing on your individual sex life, blunt communication about sex can be tricky, but rewarding.

"Let's talk about how you think of your own pleasure, joy, and fun," Lotery says. "Sometimes sex is messy, awkward, and that's ok. It's all ok."