9 subtle signs of domestic abuse and how to get help

• Domestic abuse includes physical violence but also put-downs, manipulation, and control tactics.
• Abusive partners may challenge boundaries or guilt-trip you for questioning their actions.

You don't have to live with someone to be the victim of domestic abuse, says Dr. Taish Malone, a licensed professional counselor with Mindpath Health.

Domestic abuse refers to any pattern of behavior someone uses to gain or maintain power and control over you in relationships.

Examples of this type of abuse, according to Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed professional counselor and founder of Evolve Counseling, include:

• Physical violence and aggression
• Verbal insults
• Emotional abuse, like invalidating emotions
• Psychological abuse, like blame-shifting
• Financial control
• Stalking and harassment

Anyone can experience domestic abuse, no matter their age, gender, race, or sexuality, and any type of abuse can negatively impact your overall well-being, sense of security, and ability to manage your life.

Note: Many experts now refer to domestic abuse as "intimate partner violence" or "relationship abuse." Malone says these new, more inclusive terms can apply to someone you're dating but don't live with.

Abuse is never your fault. The first step to stopping the cycle, though, involves recognizing what's happening.

Experts recommend taking note of these 9 red flags:

1. Constant put-downs disguised as jokes

One common form of verbal abuse is belittling or demeaning comments, especially in public, Fedrick says. These comments could be about how you dress, what you do for a living, or anything else.

And if you speak up and tell your partner you don't appreciate it, they may say, "I was just kidding," or " Can't you take a joke?" in an attempt to dismiss your feelings and make you feel "crazy" or "silly" for being upset.

They may also imply, if not say outright, that you're too sensitive, in an effort to shun any responsibility for how their words hurt you.

This form of control is meant to erode your self-esteem, Fedrick says.

"This can greatly impact your general self-worth, which can result in symptoms of anxiety or depression," Fedrick says. "This can also lead to fears around being in a public setting with your partner, as you become unsure of what they'll say or how they'll act."

2. Attempts to control your life decisions

Dictating who you can and can't spend time with, what you can and can't wear, and how you can or can't spend your money are just a few examples of controlling behavior.

Fedrick says these behaviors often begin subtly, with complaints or "suggestions." Then, as your partner becomes more comfortable exerting control, the "suggestions" may become demands.

Eventually, you might feel unable to make decisions for yourself, which can take a toll on your self-esteem and sense of identity, Fedrick says.

"Over time, you may lose confidence in your abilities and this can affect other areas of your life," Malone says.

3. Explosive, unpredictable behavior

It's natural for people to feel angry now and then — but how you express your anger matters.

An abusive partner can use explosive anger to intimidate you so you're less likely to question or challenge them. You may find yourself "walking on eggshells" around them for fear of triggering their rage, Fedrick says.

"It's a control tactic used to make you feel anxious and afraid, so you give in to what the abuser wants," says Kara Nassour, a licensed professional counselor and founder of Shaded Bough Counseling.

Nassour goes on to say that you might become afraid to:

• Speak up for yourself
• Disagree with your partner
• Set boundaries with them

4. Ignoring and crossing your boundaries

Boundaries refer to the limits you set in a relationship that dictate what kind of behavior you won't accept. For example, you might set a boundary that you won't tolerate yelling during an argument, or you don't feel comfortable sharing passwords for devices.

According to Malone, boundaries can frustrate, irritate, or anger abusive partners because they threaten their sense of power over you.

"Setting a boundary is an assertion of reclaimed control," Malone says.

Your partner might demonstrate a lack of respect for your boundaries by:

• Repeatedly questioning them
• Crossing or pushing against them to determine what they can get away with
• Guilt-tripping you for even having them
• Ignoring them altogether

As a result, you may give up on trying to express or reinforce them, which allows them to exert even more control.

5. Excessive jealousy and possessiveness

Jealousy is a natural human instinct, but when a partner starts acting on their jealousy or using it to justify abusive behavior, that's not OK, Nassour says.

Maybe they:

• Constantly accuse you of cheating on them or flirting with others
• Lash out at you for spending time with certain friends when they aren't present
• Get mad at you for talking to other people at a social event

You might then become more socially withdrawn or struggle with feelings of guilt and shame. Nassour says you may even subconsciously alter your behavior — like what you wear and who you hang out with — just to avoid upsetting your partner.

6. Snooping or spying

In some cases, abusive partners might use jealousy as a justification to read your texts or emails. Or, they may demand the passwords to your social media accounts so they can "keep tabs" on your communications.

Every relationship is different, and only you and your partner can decide your boundaries around sharing devices or information. That said, a partner who accesses your communications and activities without your consent is violating your trust and right to privacy.

If you know your partner is snooping on your devices, you may feel unsafe communicating with loved ones or develop anxiety about how messages from your friends or family will be interpreted, says Teri Schroeder, a licensed clinical social worker and cofounder of Just Mind Counseling.

7. Minimizing or denying your feelings and experiences

One of the subtlest and most damaging forms of domestic abuse is a pattern of invalidation, Schroeder says. By denying your feelings and experiences, an abusive partner can leave you questioning your own reality.

Some examples include:

• Saying you're overreacting when something they do upsets you
• Insisting you're exaggerating or lying when you confront them about something they did or said
• Dismissing your needs or requests
• Invalidating your emotions or telling you how you "should" feel
• Suggesting your needs or wants are unreasonable or calling you selfish for having them

According to Schroeder, this pattern of behavior allows abusive partners to maintain control because it can lead you to second-guess your emotional responses and memories.

What is gaslighting?

This form of manipulation, often known as gaslighting, can also be used to minimize abuse or defer blame.

Gaslighting is also linked to other patterns of controlling behavior, like denying you access to your social networks. This form of abuse is also covert and hard to recognize, which makes it particularly damaging.

8. Limiting your access to money or dictating how you spend it

Financial abuse, also known as economic abuse, happens when a partner:

• Takes control of your money
• Withholds it from you and restricts your spending
• Conceals financial information from you

Research suggests that financial abuse happens in 99% of domestic abuse cases.

This type of abuse often starts off subtly. For example, they may gently suggest they take care of all the finances since you have a lot on your plate. Gradually, however, it can often become more overt, such as when they make it impossible for you to access bank accounts without their permission.

Examples of financial abuse include:

• Making significant spending, banking, or investment decisions without consulting you
• Giving you an "allowance"
• Running up debt on joint accounts and ruining your credit score
• Not allowing you to work, forcing you to quit your job, or sabotaging your career opportunities
• Hiding or lying about assets
• Demanding to see receipts and constantly questioning your purchases or reprimanding you about them

A 2021 study of women in India linked financial abuse to severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. The more forms of financial abuse someone experienced, the more likely they were to experience depression and anxiety.

Financial abuse can also make you feel trapped in the relationship. You may feel financially dependent on your partner and worry you won't be able to pay for housing and other necessities if you leave.

9. Using threats to keep you around

When an abusive partner senses a loss of control in the relationship, Schroeder says they may resort to threats in an effort to regain some power.

For example, they might say "if you walk out that door, I'm never speaking to you again," to get you to stay after a toxic fight. They might also threaten to harm themselves — or others — if you break up with them.

Threats are emotional abuse. By instilling fear about what they might do if you leave, they put you in an impossible situation where you feel you have no choice but to stay.

Remember: If a partner threatens physical harm to themselves or other people, you don't have to navigate that traumatic situation on your own. Calling the Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) will connect you to a trained expert who can help you figure out how to proceed safely.

What to do next

If any of the above signs sound familiar, or your partner is otherwise abusive, know that you're not alone and you have options for getting support.

Malone recommends finding a therapist or support group to help you:

• Identify and work through effects of abuse
• Bolster your self-esteem if it's been affected
• Come up with a safety plan for leaving

If therapy isn't accessible to you or you don't feel comfortable talking to a therapist, Fedrick suggests telling a trusted loved one about what's going on. This loved one can help validate your experiences and provide emotional support.

When the abuse has triggered intense and overwhelming emotions, it can be hard to figure out what to do next. So, even if you don't feel able to leave right away, you can begin protecting yourself by devising a safety plan.

A safety plan includes a list of clear steps to take and people to call when you feel like you're in danger, as well as helpful strategies you plan to use to cope with emotional distress related to abuse.

"Know who you can call that will provide an encouraging ear or a safe place to spend time when needed," Malone says. "I also encourage clients to have code words with friends and family members, which they can use to warn them if they're in an unsafe environment."

Be specific about what actions you want your loved ones to take when you use this code word. For example, you might have a code word that cues them to come over, call you, or contact the police.

Important: An abusive partner might hide your phone or keys during a conflict, Fedrick says. She recommends writing down contact information and keeping this in a safe, accessible place like your wallet, along with a spare car key. You might include numbers for:

• Friends and family
• Law enforcement
• Domestic abuse hotlines
• Your therapist

It can also help to pack a small "go bag" of essentials so you're ready to leave immediately whenever necessary, Nassour says. Try to keep this bag somewhere you, but not your partner, can easily access it — like hidden in the trunk of your car or at a close friend's house.

Some items you might include:

• ID cards
• Car registration and insurance documents
• Cash
• Clothing
• A fully charged prepaid cell phone
• Prescription medications

If and when you do decide to leave, Schroder recommends waiting until your partner isn't home so that they can't manipulate you into staying.

Best online therapy providers

Teletherapy is an accessible way to seek professional help, and our guide to the best online therapy providers and free online therapy resources provide a variety of options for wherever you are in your mental health journey.

• Best for full access to a self-selected therapist: BetterHelp, from $60 per week
• Best for limited access to an assigned therapist, covered by insurance: TalkSpace, from $65 per week
• Best for cheap online therapy and self-guided work: Online-Therapy.com, from $31.96 per week

Resources

A few resources that may offer additional support and guidance for staying safe, whether or not you plan to leave the relationship:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text "START" to 88788
• The National Center for Victims of Crime: 1-202-467-8700
• The National Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-800-787-3224, or text "LOVEIS" to 22522
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
• A Safe Place: 1-800-600-7233
• WomensLaw.org
• DomesticShelters.org

Insider's takeaway

Domestic abuse isn't just physical – it can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or a combination of any of these.

The important thing to remember is this: Any pattern of behavior intended to gain power or maintain control over you counts as abuse. You don't need to live with someone to experience this kind of mistreatment, either.

Above all, keep in mind that the abuse is not in any way your fault, and you don't have to deal with it alone. Sharing what you're experiencing with a trusted therapist, friend, or family member can help you get the emotional support you need and deserve.

You can also connect with a domestic violence hotline to get support in determining the best next steps for protecting your health and well-being.