- There's bound to be lulls in a long-term relationship.
- But there are easy ways to reignite the spark like learning your love languages.
Most people have felt disconnected from their partner at some point — whether it's the start of a relationship and you want to get closer or you're in a long-term relationship and your intimacy fades.
If you feel this happening, there are a few strategies you can try — like learning each other's love languages and scheduling "no-phone" hours — to bring on feelings of closeness.
Here are seven ways you can foster intimacy with your partner and improve your relationship.
1. Learn each other's love languages
There are many ways to show your partner love — and each person comes to the relationship with different backgrounds, past experiences, and intimacy needs.
"That's why it's important to talk about how both want to receive love versus how you give love," says Kristie Overstreet, a psychotherapist and sexologist in private practice.
One way to have this conversation is to find out what your love language is — the five main categories are:
1. Words of affirmation
2. Acts of service
3. Receiving gifts
4. Quality time
5. Physical touch
"Oftentimes we unconsciously give love to our partners how we want to receive it versus exploring how they want to receive it," Overstreet says.
Having an open conversation about your preferences can help you grow closer and make sure you both feel loved going forward.
2. Take time to connect every day
Many of us lead busy lives, juggling things like work, children, and family. This means you may not always have time to spend connecting with your partner.
But taking just a couple of minutes each day to connect with a romantic partner can have several benefits, says Cheryl Harasymchuk, a psychology professor at Carleton University who specializes in relationships.
"For instance, when stressed, connecting might provide a sense of security, or alternatively the moment might involve a bit of humor, and a chance to smile," Harasymchuk says.
It's important to keep these moments positive, and save more serious relationship talks for a separate occasion. You can do this by:
- Avoiding criticism
- Thanking your partner for something they've done
- Giving affectionate touch
- Telling your partner some good news, even if it's small
3. Add something new to your sex life
In a long-term relationship, it can be easy to slip into a sexual routine, or neglect your sex life altogether.
To heighten intimacy with your partner, "it's helpful to add something new to your sex life and continue to work on your sexual self," Overstreet says.
A 2016 study found that couples who communicated more about sex and tried out different sex acts reported higher levels of passion and sexual satisfaction.
You can work on expanding your sex life by doing things like:
- Sharing a sexual fantasy with your partner
- Trying out a new sex position
- Having open conversations about what you like during sex
- Bringing a new partner into your sex lives
- Trying out a new sex toy
"Discussing this can be tricky if you struggle with embarrassment or shame talking about sex, so take it slow, open up, and share your thoughts with your partner," Overstreet says.
4. Have relationship check-ins
Once you feel comfortable in a long-term relationship, it's easy to get sucked into your daily routine and neglect having serious discussions about the relationship.
"Relationship check-ins allow you a designated time to share your feelings, thoughts, and needs," Overstreet says.
Your check-ins can be scheduled or unscheduled, depending on what works best for you. "If you prefer scheduled times, think of these as mini-dates where you set a weekly day and time to sit down without your phones or interruptions," Overstreet says.
During these conversations, you can bring up both positive and negative feelings, and talk about anything you feel needs to change. But try to steer away from blaming language, as this may make your partner defensive and derail the discussion.
5. Go on dates
It's important to spend alone time with your partner, and using this time for a planned date can help stir up intimacy and romantic feelings.
"Connecting back to frequent dates outside of your normal daily couple activities helps keep things fresh," Overstreet says.
The idea of a date can bring back feelings from when you first met your partner, and might inspire you to dress up for each other or go out somewhere you've never been.
"Go on dates as often as possible...just the act of talking about going on a date, planning it, and the anticipation of looking forward to it can keep a long-term relationship exciting," Overstreet says.
A classic dinner-and-a-movie date can be a great way to connect, or you can try some more novel date ideas, like:
- Go for a picnic
- Take a cooking class together
- Go ice skating
- Go to an art museum
- Check out a comedy show
- Have a karaoke night
According to a 2012 review, couples who spent time talking or sharing an activity at least once a week reported higher relationship satisfaction and were less likely to get divorced.
6. Schedule "no phone" hours
Most of us are guilty of "phubbing" — the practice of snubbing the person you're with to be on your phone.
When you or your partner stay on the phone during your time together, it stops you from connecting and may make you feel ignored.
A 2022 study found that people who experienced more phubbing with their significant other were less satisfied in their relationships.
Scheduling some time during the day to put your phone away can ensure that you have some uninterrupted time to connect with each other.
Having a no-phones-during-dinner rule might inspire you to have more conversations while a no-phones-in bed-role might lead you to cuddle or have sex instead.
7. Have separate and together hobbies
"Engaging in exciting hobbies together might make the relationship seem new again," Harasymchuk says.
This may be especially true if you and your partner join in active hobbies like going for a hike or taking a dancing class.
But it's also important to have your own hobbies that are separate from your partner. Taking a class, spending time in nature, or going to see music with friends can all be great options for your separate hobby time.
Having time on your own can make you feel more independent and encourage you to be grateful for the time you get to spend with your partner. Trying new things can also give you and your partner something to talk about or teach each other.
"Engaging in hobbies by yourself might make you feel different as well as better, and a partner might take notice of the changes and see you in a new light," Harasymchuk says.
Insider's takeaway
There are many ways to feel closer and more intimate with your partner — making regular efforts like having relationship check-ins and going on dates can help bring you together.
"Fostering intimacy in relationships doesn't have to involve grand gestures — small, everyday acts create a slow build of trust and connection," Harasymchuk says.