- Family conflict can become toxic when members can't resolve differences or agree to disagree.
- Problematic behaviors include gossiping, withholding affection, favoritism, and ignoring boundaries.
All families experience conflict at one time or another.
For instance, your family might disagree about politics, struggle to adapt to big life changes like a marriage or divorce, or have trouble getting along during the holidays.
However, there's a difference between minor arguments and major altercations. And when families can't communicate and overcome their differences, research suggests these toxic dynamics may contribute to:
- Depression, anxiety, or feelings of hopelessness
- Low self-esteem
- Trouble developing healthy relationships outside the family
- Difficulty trusting others
- Increased risk of destructive coping mechanisms like substance misuse or self-harm
Below, experts with experience addressing family dynamics and trauma share six patterns of toxic family dynamics and offer tips on recognizing — and handling — the situation.
1. Playing favorites
Favoritism can have a devastating impact, whether a parent outright calls one child their "favorite" or treats them as such, according to Candace Kotkin-De Carvalho, a licensed social worker and certified clinical trauma professional at Absolute Awakenings.
For example, maybe your father constantly compares your accomplishments to your brother's achievements and gives your brother more money, quality time, and other privileges and general support. This might hurt your self-esteem and self-worth.
Of course, the role of the favorite child can have negative effects, too — you may experience resentment from siblings, which can pave the way toward a lasting rivalry.
A 2022 survey compared adults from families with a favorite child to those from families who didn't play favorites. More adults from the families exhibiting favoritism reported feeling lonely growing up than those from families that didn't. Also, these adults said they didn't have as many close relationships with siblings as those from families that avoided favoritism.
2. Scapegoating
Some families have a designated "scapegoat" — a person to blame for everything that goes wrong. This is especially common in families with a narcissistic parent.
Maybe you're the only sibling in the family who speaks up when a parent mistreats you or bullies a sibling. Your parent may respond by labeling you as the "difficult" one or lashing out at you for asserting yourself. Then, they might deflect blame by saying it's your fault for setting them off.
The person chosen as the scapegoat may internalize the harmful messages they receive through this abuse, according to Kelly Neupert, a licensed psychotherapist in private practice.
If you're the scapegoat, you may begin to feel unlovable and unworthy of respect — which can lead to depression, feelings of isolation, low self-worth, and even self-harm.
A 2020 review found that scapegoat children of narcissistic parents often have:
- A poorly defined sense of identity
- Trouble regulating emotions
- Symptoms of post-traumatic stress and anxiety
- Difficulty maintaining relationships
- Perfectionistic traits
3. Parentification
This dynamic describes a role reversal, where children take on the roles of the parents.
For example, say your parents neglect to care for your younger siblings — perhaps due to a chronic illness or addiction, or working multiple jobs — so, you take on the responsibilities of waking them up for school and packing them lunch.
Or, your parent may lean on you too much as their primary source of emotional support. For example, they may confide in you about their frustrations in their marriage or other romantic relationship, or share worries about the family's income.
Due to these sometimes overwhelming burdens, you may not have time or energy to complete schoolwork or socialize with friends — which can then take a toll on your personal development.
According to Kotkin-De Carvalho, parentification can also make it more likely you'll continually take on a caretaker role in future relationships, prioritizing others' needs over your own.
Latest research: A 2021 study found that parentification can result in depression and increased anxiety in children — and researchers also noted that parentification may also hurt learning and performance in school, as a result of these effects.
4. Conditional love and affection
When a family member withholds love or affection when you disagree with them, or only offers respect when you behave in a way that's advantageous to them, that's a form of manipulation, according to GinaMarie Guarino, a licensed mental health counselor and founder of PsychPoint.
Maybe your parent only shows kindness and attention when you perform well in school, or your sibling only acknowledges you when they need something.
In either scenario, you might feel as if you have to "earn" their love by acting a certain way — which may lead you to have an increasingly difficult time asserting yourself. Guarino says this kind of dynamic can contribute to conflict avoidance, depression, and anxiety since it stifles your individuality and forces you to ignore your own needs in an attempt to keep the peace.
Note: Difficulty making decisions that support your own well-being can also signal a toxic family dynamic — especially when you believe your family will reject you if you make the "wrong" decision.
5. Indirect communication
When information tends to spread in an indirect way through the family — such as through gossip or passive-aggressive behavior — that can cause a slew of problems, according to Kelly Neupert, a licensed professional counselor in private practice.
For instance, let's say your sister regularly tells you that your mother complains about you every time they talk on the phone. You express anger about this, which your sister then reports back to your mother.
Now you and your mother both feel a sense of betrayal — but you still haven't had a direct conversation to resolve the issue.
These kinds of dynamics can breed misunderstandings, distrust, and resentment — and they won't do much to improve your family ties.
6. Constant boundary violations
When you clearly and directly communicate your boundaries but family members continually ignore them, that's another sign of a toxic dynamic.
For instance, your sibling might read your diary or your texts, even after you said that behavior was unacceptable and asked them to respect your privacy.
Angela Sitka, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, says your family members may also invalidate or minimize your frustrations over their boundary trampling.
For example, if you tell your parents it's not OK for them to stop by unannounced and they do it anyway, they might justify their behavior by saying, "You should be grateful we want to spend time with you!"
Repeated boundary crossing sends the message that your needs don't matter. As a result, you may eventually stop bothering to speak your mind or express them — which could lead to mounting resentment when your needs aren't met.
How to cope
If you can't completely cut off your family or move out — or if you have to spend time around them for any particular reason, like during the holidays — these expert-approved tips can help you navigate problematic behaviors productively.
1. Establish consequences for boundary breaking
Experts agree setting boundaries around the behavior you won't tolerate is the best way to protect your own well-being. Just keep in mind it's just as important to define the consequences for not respecting your boundaries.
For example, you might say:
- "If you talk badly about my fiance, I will have to hang up the phone."
- "If you comment on my weight, I'll leave and go home."
These consequences may not necessarily stop your family member from behaving a certain way in the future — but at the very least, they can prevent you from experiencing further unnecessary pain.
2. Limit your time with family
If your family dynamic is especially harmful, Guarino advises putting time constraints on your gatherings rather than just leaving the start and end time open-ended.
For instance, you could let family members know ahead of time that you're free for a one-hour lunch or a 30-minute phone call. These time limits may help minimize the opportunity for upsetting interactions.
3. Always have an exit strategy
Guarino advises coming up with a plan — before your visit — for how you'll escape if a conversation turns south. This may be as simple as saying you have a work emergency and driving home. Or, if you don't have access to a car, it may mean having a ride-sharing app handy on your phone or bringing along a trusted ally to leave with.
According to Sitka, it can also feel empowering and reassuring to keep repeating the mantra "I can leave whenever I want or need to" as you prepare for a family gathering.
4. Build a support network
You may not be able to choose your biological family, but you can certainly build another one of your choosing.
Kotkin-De Carvalho recommends focusing on fostering strong connections with friends and other people outside of your family who love, respect, and support you.
Quick tip: If you're having trouble meeting people who can understand your experiences, consider joining a support group for people from dysfunctional families.
5. Develop canned responses for difficult conversations
Sitka advises coming up with pre-planned responses so you're never caught off guard when a family member brings up challenging or triggering topics.
For instance, if your mother has a tendency to guilt trip you any time you say you can't attend a particular family event, you might keep repeating something like, "I hear that it's really difficult for you to accept I won't be there. Unfortunately, that's just not doable for me right now, but I look forward to seeing you at the next event."
6. Keep up with self-care
"Dealing with toxic family members can be emotionally draining," says Steve Carleton, a licensed clinical social worker and Executive Clinical Director at Gallus Detox
"This can take a toll on your mental as well as physical health, so it's important to take time for self-care," Carleton says.
There are many different ways to practice self-care. As a start, it may help to incorporate at least one activity a day that helps you feel relaxed, grounded, or empowered. That way, you're in a better mental space to advocate for yourself as needed with family members — and to cope with distressing feelings that any negative interactions with them might bring up.
Depending on your needs and preferences, self-care might involve:
- Journaling about your accomplishments, or things you're grateful for
- Spending time outside in nature
- Meditating
- Practicing yoga or another form of exercise
- Playing with a pet
- Spending quality time with friends
- Taking a warm bath
- Reading an engaging book
When to get support
Family therapy can have an important role in identifying and changing harmful dynamics, according to Guarino. A family therapist can help parents and siblings air difficult or painful emotions, work through deep-seated resentments, and find ways to accommodate conflicting needs.
However, Carleton says it may prove challenging to have an open and productive conversation in family therapy if:
- Family members won't take responsibility for their role in the dynamic
- Family members don't seem motivated to change
- There's a history of violent or abusive behavior in your family
If you don't think family therapy is a viable option, remember that seeking support from an individual therapist can still make a difference
According to Carleton, you might want to consider working with a therapist on your own if you:
- Feel overwhelming anxiety leading up to family events
- Have difficulty setting or reinforcing boundaries with family members
- Engage in unhelpful or harmful behaviors, like binge drinking or self-injury, to cope with the effects of your toxic family dynamic
- Have trouble keeping up with work, taking care of yourself, or maintaining other relationships due to family-related emotional distress
A therapist can help you identify your needs and become more comfortable with communicating those needs to family members and setting boundaries, Carleton says. They can also suggest strategies for navigating difficult family situations and provide a safe space for you to process your emotions about family relationships and experiences.
Insider's takeaway
Toxic family dynamics can have far-reaching negative effects on your physical and mental health. However, setting clear boundaries with consequences can help you maintain a sense of safety and control in your relationships, not to mention protect your well-being.
If these harmful dynamics cause intense distress or take a toll on your ability to function in everyday life, consider reaching out to a therapist for professional support.
Family therapy can also help — but remember: in order for this approach to work, everyone must be invested in working toward a common goal.