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The success of an OBFD (because Oreo blended frozen dessert is a brain freeze-inducing mouthful) is dependent on several things: the quality of its frozen dairy dessert base, the size and quantity of the Oreo chunks mixed in, and how well the two elements are blended together.
In search of the queen of all OBFDs, I traveled throughout the empire with a glass shoe in hand. And by glass shoe, of course I mean my stomach. And my lactose pills.
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On a scale of one to five, my criteria were appearance, cookie-to-cream ratio, texture, and taste.
I journeyed far and wide through the kingdoms of McDonald's, Burger King, Dairy Queen, Wendy's, Chick-fil-A, Shake Shack, and Checkers in order to find the one. And several thousand lactic calories later, I sure did.
The prices reflect those at New York locations of each chain. Prices may vary depending on location.
BURGER KING — OREO SHAKE, $5.09. Disappointment, Burger King's Oreo Shake is thy name. I ordered this with whipped cream, so it was not a good sign when it came out flatter than seltzer water left out and open for a week. APPEARANCE — 2.
COOKIE-TO-CREAM RATIO — 3. Not enough Oreos, and the ones that did sneak their way in there were tiny. TEXTURE — 1. I ordered a shake, not sugar milk with bits of Oreo in it. It was like drinking water. Very sweet, creamy water.
TASTE — 3. BK's OBFD has a creamy frozen dessert base to its name. However, the most essential component, the Oreos, deserted for the dark side long ago.
CHECKERS — OREO FUDGE STACKER, $2.99. On first glance, the Stacker is a pretty good-looking dessert. APPEARANCE — 5.
COOKIE-TO-CREAM RATIO — 1. But the magic quickly dissipates with the first spoonful, which reveals that the only Oreos in this Stacker are on top. Everything beneath is simply soft serve. TEXTURE — 3. The ice cream is nice and soft, but there's absolutely zero Oreo crunch. There was a hint of sticky chocolate fudge sauce.
TASTE — 3. This was more like a hot fudge sundae with Oreos on top than an Oreo confection. The choco-vanilla swirl was unique, but ultimately this Oreo Stacker was not stacked with Oreos.
SHAKE SHACK — OREO CONCRETE, $4.99. This one came with a gaping, swirly hole in the center. When it comes to ice cream swirls, I definitely prefer outies over innies. APPEARANCE — 3.
COOKIE-TO-CREAM RATIO — 2. This concrete was mostly paste, with not nearly enough Oreo to justify calling it an OBFD. TEXTURE — 3 The frozen custard itself had a great smooth texture, but the Oreo chunks were few and far between, with most of the Oreo in this concrete manifesting in powder form.
TASTE — 3. Despite the high quality of its frozen dessert base, Shake Shack's contestant doesn't quite succeed at being an Oreo confection. There simply aren't enough Oreos in it.
WENDY'S — FROSTY COOKIE SUNDAE, $1.99. Ok, so technically this isn't an Oreo dessert. But that's Wendy's fault. The resident contrarian of the fast-food scene, Wendy's doesn't offer an Oreo dessert. Instead, it offers a cookie sundae, which looks okay, I guess. APPEARANCE — 3.
COOKIE-TO-CREAM RATIO — 4. Not quite enough cookie, and it wasn't mixed in well. TEXTURE — 3. It probably wasn't mixed in well because the cold Frosty turned the cookie into hardened chunks.
TASTE — 4. Aside from being too sweet, the sundae actually had a pretty interesting flavor with intense bits of dark chocolate. It was also elevated by the great quality of the Frosty base.
CHICK-FIL-A — COOKIES & CREAM MILKSHAKE, $4.39. There's the whipped cream I've been looking for. A classic milkshake in a paper cup. APPEARANCE — 4.
COOKIE-TO-CREAM RATIO — 4. This may be a recurring problem in many of these desserts. There weren't quite enough Oreos, and the ones in the shake appeared in small bits. TEXTURE — 4. The texture suffered from its uniformly small Oreo chunk size. Otherwise, it was a wonderfully thick shake.
TASTE — 4. While this was a pretty great milkshake overall, it was more cream than cookies. While the Oreo chunks needed to be small to fit through the straw, they could have been a little bigger — or at least more plentiful.
DAIRY QUEEN — OREO BLIZZARD, $5.29. Solid cup, sturdy spoon, and a speckled dome of dairy treat. The Oreo Blizzard invites anticipation of frozen goodness to come. APPEARANCE — 4.
COOKIE-TO-CREAM RATIO — 5. All hail Queen Blizzard, Mother of Oreos and Ruler of the Seven Cookies. Finally, a monarch that gives the people what they want: more Oreos. TEXTURE — 4. The Oreos were the perfect chunk size, but the frozen dessert base was a little too watery and melted very quickly.
TASTE — 4. Overall, this was a pretty solid OBFD. It was just sweet enough, with a hint of chocolate from the Oreo and a great Oreo-to-cream ratio. However, the frozen dessert base wasn't very creamy, melted too quickly, and had a watery texture.
MCDONALD'S — OREO MCFLURRY, $3.59. An ultra-solid spoon, paper cup, and plastic dome with a hint of Oreo peeking out from below. APPEARANCE — 4.
COOKIE-TO-CREAM RATIO — 5. Perfect. The Oreo chunks in this McFlurry were many and varied in size, making for the absolute ideal Oreo-to-cream ratio. TEXTURE — 5. A blend of the varied Oreo chunk sizes and McDonald's soft serve made for a creamy, smooth treat with crunchy bits just where you want them.
TASTE — 5. This is the ultimate OBFD: crunchy, creamy, thick, tasty, and studded with brilliant Oreo bits.
Even though McD is geographically the closest chain to my workplace, this sweet princess was worth my Oreo odyssey around the city. Scouring the empire far and wide made it clear that sometimes we find love right where we are.
