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When I was really young I didn’t understand other children and I hated big crowds like family events or football matches. Mum explained to me that I was wired differently, that it wasn’t a bad thing. She said that I could just do things differently, but I would still get everything done. And she told me that what I had was called Asperger’s.
I learned to enjoy my Asperger’s. When people call ASD an autistic spectrum disorder or a disability, I don’t like it . It doesn’t make me any less capable to do anything. Asperger’s lets me look at things from a totally different perspective – I can think outside the box. It makes the world kind of complicated and you have to keep figuring other people out.
When people say smile, I don’t quite get them. I didn’t used to get sarcasm and I used to have to question when I heard it, like “was that it?” When teachers tell me to answer the question on the board – and there is no question mark – I wouldn’t understand. Sometimes teachers need to explain more to me than they do usually. Sometimes when people say something and they mean something else, that’s confusing.
Some things I don’t get
It really confuses me if someone shouts at me – I used to think that meant that they hated me. But now I realise it’s just that they want me to do it a bit better at that time. I get confused when a class gets a punishment because I think I am a good child and if I wasn’t doing the wrong thing, why should I get punished?
I don’t get racism. I would never be racist but I don’t understand why you can’t say what colour somebody’s skin is, the way you can with their eyes. Another thing I find confusing is emotions. I made up a word “emotious” and I use it to describe when lots of different emotions are all stirred in together.
For instance, if I am watching something like Les Miserables, I need to be able to chat with mum to tell the emotions apart. I often have to be careful about what I say. Before I say something I often say “no offence” in case I do offend someone. When I was little I never used to get jokes, but now I have a good sense of humour – I love sitcoms like Father Ted, Miranda, Spongebob and Mrs Brown’s Boys (but it can be rude).
Things I don’t like
People with Asperger’s are very sensitive with all their senses. I call it “sensatious” when there is a really strong sensation. Certain things can bother me, like I used to hate sound of the crowd roaring at a football game so I would cover my ears and scream. My parents kept bringing me and now I don’t notice the noise and I roar too! I also hate the feel of baked beans. If there is one in my food it makes me actually get sick. I don’t like the feel of some clothes fabrics. I always like cottony ones and I’m really sensitive to smells. I can’t deal with the smell of anything agricultural or anything to do with a farm.
There are lots of other things that can bother me like the smell of cigarettes, babies’ drool (I don’t really like babies until they are a bit more mature and have dried up).
I often can’t sit still, so at home I’m allowed play a ball and hit it against a wall to work off steam. In bad weather, I like to spin around like mad a few times which I call helicoptering.
Settles me down
When I feel nervous, ‘emotious”‘ sad or a bit hyper I need, what I call a ‘squish’. A squish means Mum gets me in really tight hug and squeezes – it’s a bit likeTemple Grandin’s hug-machine. It really settles me down. In school when I need a squish I do things like roll up my sleeves or tighten my shoelaces.
I find it difficult trust people or new things. I know my autism makes me do whacky things and we get a laugh out of them, but I can do a normal things too. Overall, I like being different. My friends like me just the way I am too. I like the world through Asperger’s eyes.
When you get older, you can see that everybody is different somehow, that’s what makes the world interesting. I keep on learning at every new stage of my life. My Mum says she can read me like a book, and I say I use her like an encyclopaedia.
It works out good.
This story was originally published by journal.ie.