- You can resolve a fight with a coworker by using phrases such as, "Yes, and" or, "I hear you."
- Experts say it's about acknowledging the possibility that you're both right.
- The ultimate goal is to maintain a strong working relationship.
When Jacinta Jimenez coaches clients who are struggling at work, she doesn't want to just make them feel good. She also wants to help them think differently about the problem they're facing, and potential solutions.
So Jimenez, a clinical psychologist and the head of coaching at BetterUp, uses a simple phrase: "Yes, and."
It's about "holding the person accountable," Jimenez said. "At times, we really have to show our coachees, 'Hey, I hear what you're saying and I want to add in another piece.' Because what they're saying is very important and it's their truth ... but [you] also add in a different perspective."
Jimenez advises her clients to do the same thing during conflicts in the workplace. "That little tiny linguistic shift can make a really big difference," she said. "I consider 'yes, and' a powerful tool for collaboration," she added, because it shows that "more than one perspective could be simultaneously right."
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Another simple phrase experts recommend to defuse conflict is "I hear you." As psychologist and 3Coze cofounder Liane Davey wrote in the Harvard Business Review, one of the best ways to de-escalate a conflict with a coworker is to show support, for example by saying, "I hear you." Davey writes, "You'll immediately see the effect of validating someone who has felt ignored: Their shoulders will drop, they'll take a breath, and you'll have a window to open a dialogue."
Interestingly, President Donald Trump appears to have used much the same strategy at a meeting in 2018, with students and parents affected by school shootings. As Business Insider's Tara Francis Chan reported, Trump's notes included a reminder to say the words, "I hear you."
According to Erica Keswin, a workplace strategist and former executive coach, handling conflict in the workplace is all about demonstrating empathy. Keswin often teaches clients active listening skills, which can involve an exercise in which they sit and listen to someone speak for 30 to 60 seconds without interrupting. For most people, Keswin said, "it's really difficult."
Keswin said it's important to be "intentional" about your approach to conflict, as opposed to letting the immediacy of your emotions get the better of you. Regardless of the specific language you use, you want to make sure the other person is heard, she said. Ultimately, your goal isn't to be right, but "maintaining a strong working relationship."