- Maeve DuVally worked in communications at Goldman Sachs when she came out to colleagues as transgender in 2019.
- Excited but terrified, she felt relief when her colleagues embraced and supported her transition.
I'm a frequent public speaker, and inevitably one of the questions I get asked is what can be done to make workplaces more welcoming for transgender people.
This is an issue I care deeply about. When I came out in 2019 at Goldman Sachs, I was wildly excited, but I was also petrified. I now know that my co-workers were fearful, too — fearful that they would say or do something that would offend me.
The more I think about this question, the more convinced I am that the answer is simple.
Making the workplace more accommodating for people who are transitioning isn't much different than what most people consider doing if they have a friend, family member, or colleague going through a difficult personal situation. Here are a few key things to remember to make the process easier for everyone.
1. Just be kind
These days, kindness toward the transgender and broader LGBTQ+ community has dried up. It's in short supply at the time we need it most — a time when large swaths of American society have turned their backs on us, and politicians, in a cynical ploy in the name of protecting children, want to drum us out of existence, or at least de-legitimize our experience.
At the heart of it, transgender people are like all other human beings: We want the same common courtesy extended to others and to be allowed to spend our lives as the people we are meant to be.
2. Accept us
Acceptance is a basic form of kindness, and we would be very thankful for just that. Dare we hope that when we are struggling with our identities and going through sometimes lengthy, dramatic, and confusing transitions, we get something approaching empathy and generosity?
If a couple you knew had a child with a rare illness or a psychiatric disorder, what would you do? You'd probably ask if there was anything you could do to help. Maybe you'd do a little research and ask a medical expert you know about the condition. Armed with additional information, you might then ask more specifically and in a more educated way how you could help. Why not do something similar with friends or acquaintances who have transgender children?
3. Recognize that this life isn't easy
I've been an active alcoholic and suffered from depression most of my life. I'm also a suicide survivor. I attribute much of these experiences to my gender dysphoria — a person's unease when they feel that the sex they were assigned at birth does not match their gender identity — which was unrecognized by me and therefore untreated until very recently.
Many of us know our entire lives that we are in the wrong gender, but some of us (like me) live in self-hatred and are not exactly sure why. I didn't consciously know I was transgender until I was 57, but once I realized it, a life of detesting myself and the inability to look at myself in a mirror for four decades suddenly made total sense.
4. It's the internal that counts
Transgender transitions partly involve altering one's outward appearance to look more masculine or feminine or a little of both, taking hormones, and surgically changing bodies. I've done all that.
But one of the biggest misconceptions about transitions is that they are all external, when the reality is that the internal — altering how we think about our identity and working with others to change how they perceive us — are by far much more consequential. The most rewarding experiences I've had since transitioning are those in which I was being completely accepted by a group of women, whether in a formal setting such as being recognized for my advocacy by the Girl Scouts of Greater New York, or just bumming around with girlfriends.
By the way, doesn't everybody — transgender and cisgender (non-transgender people) alike — spend much of their lives trying to understand what it means to be a man, woman or some combination of the two? It's called self-reflection and it's a universal human experience.
5. Don't pretend it didn't happen, and don't be afraid to ask questions
When I came out at Goldman Sachs in 2019, we did a flip-the-switch type of transition: I left work one day in the gender I was assigned at birth and the next business day I came to work in the gender I was meant to be.
This made sense for me because I had already been at the company for 15 years and knew many of my colleagues well, including all the senior executives. Goldman's HR team — known as Human Capital Management — partnered with me to help inform the people I worked with about what was happening.
Still, some of my colleagues were uncomfortable. I think part of the reason people experience anxiety is the concern that "the woke mob" will jump all over them if they make a mistake. If that's the case, some of us in the woke mob deserve blame.
If a work colleague came back from family leave after having had a baby or caring for a loved one, what would you do? You might ask something like, "What can I do to make you comfortable and ease your way back to the workplace?" As the person responds and you receive more information, you get more comfortable, and perhaps ask, "Why don't you tell me more about your experience, if you're comfortable?"
If a transgender person you know is physically transitioning in a noticeable way and you want to be supportive and encouraging, try saying something like, "I noticed some changes, and if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here."
Whether it be internal or external, isn't every human being in transition their whole life, as their perception of who they are changes and evolves? It's important to remember we're very much in the realm of normal human experience, and we all deserve the same kindness, courtesy and consideration that every human being merits.
Maeve DuVally is a former Goldman Sachs executive and author of "Maeve Rising: Coming Out Trans in Corporate America."