The overwhelmed heroine of 'The Lost Daughter' walked out on her kids. These real-life mothers did, too.
- In "The Lost Daughter," a burned-out mom walks out on her daughters, not returning for three years.
- Real-life women who did the same cited abusive marriages and stalled careers as reasons for leaving.
Mothers are expected to be cocoons of warmth, selflessness, and contentment. But that isn't always easy, and it doesn't always come naturally.
The new Netflix film "The Lost Daughter" takes a raw, honest look at the complexities of motherhood. Overwhelmed by her kids' demands and unable to focus on her career, protagonist Leda (Jessie Buckley) makes the difficult choice to walk out on her children and husband for three years. Judged and punished by herself and others, an older version of Leda (Olivia Colman) pays a steep price for abandoning her kids.
As the film makes clear, it's a taboo double standard in a world where fathers who walk away are considered normal, but mothers who do the same are vilified.
To better understand what drives women to make this difficult choice, Insider talked to three real-life mothers who left their families. Some departed for weeks, others for years.
Their experiences — spousal abuse, floundering careers, and years of grinding childcare without a break — highlight the immense pressures on women who become parents.
"Moms are being tasked with such monumental and unrealistic expectations," said Hilary Berger, a licensed professional counselor who founded Work Like a Mother. "Men are not expected to shoulder all of the psychological, educational, domestic, and enrichment management of the children in the same way that mothers are. And so women get burnt out."
'I would have ended up in a mental institution'
Danèlle Lejeune's children were ages 4, 6, and 10 when she left to attend a six-week poetry residency in Prague followed by a two-week visit to Savannah, Georgia.
Other than two brief trips the prior year, "it was the first time I had been away from my children, except to have more children," said Lejeune, who also homeschooled her kids at the time. "For 10 years, I hadn't been away from them for even an hour, except when I was having C-sections to have the others."
Her spouse did not support her decision to leave — in fact, he told their children she was never coming home. "I called them every day, but they would beg and beg me to come home," she said.
As excruciating as it was to be away from her kids, "it healed me in ways that I can't even begin to explain," Lejeune said. She told Insider the time away gave her the clarity she needed to walk away from an unsupportive marriage and taught her a few things about motherhood.
"I learned that my children did not need me as much as I believed they did," said Lejeune, who now has full custody of her children. She regularly schedules babysitters guilt-free when she needs a few days away.
"If I hadn't gone on the residency, I would have ended up in a mental institution," Lejeune said. "It was truly the best thing I could have done, even if it was traumatic to my children."
'I was teaching my kids the wrong things about love and marriage'
During the last few years of her marriage, Lisamarie Monaco was just going through the motions. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband wouldn't move out, and the situation had become "toxic on many levels."
"I coped the best I could, thinking this was just the way life is," she said. "My last straw was that I didn't want my kids to watch this anymore. It was teaching them all the wrong things about love and marriage."
So she decided to leave her three teenagers with their dad, moving half a mile away and making daily visits to cook, clean, and do laundry. Eventually, her visits tapered down to weekends. After three years, when her children were in their late teens, she moved out of state to be with her new fiancé.
"I lost family and friends along the way," Monaco said. "Even though I did not just up, leave, and abandon, in the eyes of society and my family, I did. From time to time, still to this day, I feel pain in my heart for any hurt I caused my kids."
She said her three youngest kids had become more understanding of her choice as they grew older but her oldest (who had already flown the nest when she left) still wasn't talking to her.
"The stigma of a mom leaving is greater than if a dad leaves," Monaco said. "A dad leaving is the norm, but when a mom does, in the eyes of society it's as if you killed a living thing."
'I felt so close to death by suffocation that I left everything'
One mother told Insider that her departure was prompted by a family crisis. After accepting a job in Vienna, her husband had left her in the US to care for their 3- and 8-year-old daughters, the older of whom needed to stay in the country for surgery. By the time her daughter recovered, he had unexpectedly moved to Sarajevo, the capital of Bosnia-Herzegovina.
Hoping to keep her family intact, the mother made the move with her daughters, only to face an isolating lifestyle in an unfamiliar city. When a sudden medical emergency forced her to return to the US for care, she had enough room on her credit card for only one flight. She left the girls behind with their father.
"I couldn't take them with me, and I was utterly burned out by them," said the woman, to whom Insider granted anonymity because her now-ex husband was physically abusive. "I was unable to meet the standard of what I believed at the time a mother needed to be, and I had no one to admit this to — not to mention the shame of 'failing' at being a mom."
Meanwhile, her husband told their daughters that their mother had left them to "chase the American dream." But despite the circumstances, she didn't speak up for herself, nor did she disclose her return to California to anyone "other than the few people I asked for help."
"There was a guilty relief in being able to be sick and weak without having to be anything for my children — but also a terrifying feeling of being untethered," she said. "Was I being selfish for trying to take care of me? Should I have stayed with him? Was being invisible really that bad?"
"I was resentful of how little my ex had done and how he was able to disappear for months on end to build his by-then successful career," she said. "I felt so close to death by suffocation that I left everything, and started my life over completely from scratch."
Years later, when her oldest turned 16, she asked to move in with her father, who had since returned to California. The mother didn't want to split up her girls, so she pushed them both to live with him. The minute her daughters left, she dismantled her home and focused on writing full time, something she couldn't do as a single mom.
"Both of my sisters confronted me, said I was the worst mother they had ever seen, and refused to talk to me for a few years," she said. "There was absolutely guilt, but I think a lot of that was due to what I thought a mother needed to be and what I was not living up to."
Society pushes mothers to the breaking point
Dr. Elisabeth Netherton, a psychiatrist who works as regional medical director at Mindpath Health, said it couldn't be overstated how poorly US society supports working mothers. "We systematically deprive women of supports, such as paid leave and affordable childcare, that would ease the burden," she told Insider.
Brandy Porche, a licensed professional counselor at Mindpath Health, says women are called upon to be nurturing even at the expense of their well-being.
"We are expected to go above and beyond for those we love, and especially for our kids," Porche said. "In addition to that, we are supposed to enjoy putting ourselves last."
The pandemic has added to those pressures. When kids had to stay home, Porche said, women were expected to be teachers, playmates, and therapists as well as moms.
"The burnout factor because of COVID is so prevalent now that women sometimes feel that their kids would be better off without them," said Berger of Work Like a Mother. "That is not good."
The three mothers interviewed by Insider all cited unsupportive male partners as a major factor in their burnout. That's common, said Netherton, the Mindpath Health psychiatrist.
"Mothers carry a disproportionate and often overwhelming burden of household responsibilities," she noted. "Within heterosexual couples, mothers are doing more, day in and day out, to care for children and for the home," and that's often on top of working full time.
Netherton encourages the mothers she works with to strongly advocate themselves when they need help, working through any guilt that comes up. "It is critical that partners don't dismiss the need for assistance and that they recognize and validate the need for mothers to have time to themselves, away from the children, for sleep, exercise and self-care."
How can moms who need a more serious break minimize trauma to their kids?
It's undeniable that the past two years have been merciless for the mental health of parents, especially mothers, said Leah Rockwell, a licensed professional counselor at Rockwell Wellness in Maryland specializing in motherhood.
If a parent ever feels on the verge of becoming harsh or abusive, it's time to consider a break, she said. But leaving a child should be a last resort.
"Emotional breaks, such as engaging in weekly therapy, parent-support groups, or online forums with other moms with similar struggles can be excellent ways to develop better emotional management and awareness," Rockwell said.
If a longer break is still needed, communication is key: That way, the child won't feel abandoned by a parent's absence, Rockwell said. Children need predictability; if possible, have them stay with a trusted family member or friend, she said.
Porche of Mindpath Health recommended that parents explain to their children that they love them and that a break is neither permanent nor punitive. "Mom needs to explain that she is exhausted," Porche said, "and taking the break to restore her strength so that she can return and be at her best when providing for them."
Supportive family can reinforce this dialogue, assuring kids that their mother loves them and will return. Occasional FaceTimes or calls can also help remind kids of a parent's affection while the parent is away.
"With these positive reinforcements in place," Porche said, "the child doesn't internalize or question the reasoning for Mom's absence."